(no subject)
what am i doing with my life?
i've been thinking about how i used to want to travel and how i still would love to but that over these years i've become attached to many things that make the thought of that travel hard. but am i really that attached? i feel like things could be better maybe if i could start over somewhere new. i thought that when i came to college as well, but this was a bad place to come to try to start again. could i go somewhere and be ambitious? could i have a new life where i'm outgoing and self-assured? where i don't question my worth because of my environment? this would be amazing. also, reading katita's (few though they are yet) posts about australia, and carl's time in london ... places i would like to go. why am i thinking about settling down in one place already? why? i've convinced myself that i need something that i really don't. that something is a part of me, is integral to who i am when it isn't. the only things that i really want to get out of life i am not on a track to achieve at this point, and that's not really acceptable. not really acceptable at all.
i'm just very confused i guess. more so than i would like to believe. and about so many things.
i'm also very afraid. afraid of so much and of the idea that i may not make it. that i could easily fuck things up for myself. that is terrifying. terrifying. it's funny because i have it together more now than i can remember in recent history, but as it comes together more, i realize how much still isn't right. because the little things are clear now, i can see the bigger picture of my life and how not a good place it is. terrifying.
what is even going on?
in closing, this is from beth's away message this evening, and while it does not apply to any current situation, i think it applies to my life in general, and my past, and probably my future very well:
just be patient. i'm so afraid to care for someone. i know it seems like i'm this strong girl who can get through everything, but inside i'm fragile. i've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made me crack. what i'm afraid of is s h a t t e r i n g.
i've been thinking about how i used to want to travel and how i still would love to but that over these years i've become attached to many things that make the thought of that travel hard. but am i really that attached? i feel like things could be better maybe if i could start over somewhere new. i thought that when i came to college as well, but this was a bad place to come to try to start again. could i go somewhere and be ambitious? could i have a new life where i'm outgoing and self-assured? where i don't question my worth because of my environment? this would be amazing. also, reading katita's (few though they are yet) posts about australia, and carl's time in london ... places i would like to go. why am i thinking about settling down in one place already? why? i've convinced myself that i need something that i really don't. that something is a part of me, is integral to who i am when it isn't. the only things that i really want to get out of life i am not on a track to achieve at this point, and that's not really acceptable. not really acceptable at all.
i'm just very confused i guess. more so than i would like to believe. and about so many things.
i'm also very afraid. afraid of so much and of the idea that i may not make it. that i could easily fuck things up for myself. that is terrifying. terrifying. it's funny because i have it together more now than i can remember in recent history, but as it comes together more, i realize how much still isn't right. because the little things are clear now, i can see the bigger picture of my life and how not a good place it is. terrifying.
what is even going on?
in closing, this is from beth's away message this evening, and while it does not apply to any current situation, i think it applies to my life in general, and my past, and probably my future very well:
just be patient. i'm so afraid to care for someone. i know it seems like i'm this strong girl who can get through everything, but inside i'm fragile. i've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made me crack. what i'm afraid of is s h a t t e r i n g.