So I've been thinking about the tendency to be judgemental this week...not for any particular reason except that the subject came up in a conversation with a friend this week
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Sometimes I think being judgemental gets a bad rap. No, wait- hear me out! :P
I am probably one of the most judgemental people you will ever meet. I'm judging people all of the time! And I think if most people are very honest with themsleves, they would realize they do the same thing. It's a defense mechanism; part of our human survival instinct, I think. We *have* to make judgements about other- look at their words their actions, their beliefs, seeing if those things are in harmony with each other- in order to have a modicum of self-protection.
For instance, I'm judging the heck out of my toxic!aunt and her husband, and my sister-in-law and her husband right now, and I don't feel bad about it all. Three out of the four are probably (sorry about this, ivy) are acting like the stupidest human beings in the world right. I mean, the stupid, it runs SO DEEP right now that the situations have moved from bizarre to absurd. The fourth person- my sister-in-law's husband- is just such a HUGE (sorry about this Lisa, and anyone else offended by salty language) jackass that I am glad he and my SIL are divorcing (and I have never wished divorce on anyone, ever).
So yeah, I'm making judgements right and left. Some family members think my aunt needs love and support and sympathy right now. I don't think she does. As long as she keeps talking to the man who walked out on her, hoping he is going to come back, acting like he's only out of town on business, and spewing bitterness and poison, then I don't want to have anything to do with her, and I don't want my children around her. Some people would say I'm judging unfairly, to which I say, so what?
No Jennifer, I totally agree with you in these situations. There's a difference between acknowledging basic common sense and bad, foolish decisions that wreck lives. Calling a spade a spade is not what I had in mind when I wrote what I wrote in response to Lisa's entry. People make bad decisions for entirely selfish reasons, and sometimes there's no other name for it.
It was political and religious issues I had in mind when I replied. Like: "How-can-you-believe-something-different-from-what-I believe-you-must-be-STOOPID!" kind of thinking.
My first writing teacher was a pretty prolific children's author. We worked together for 2 years, and became friends. But she was so acid in her political convictions (how could any THINKING person believe differently than she did???) that I eventually just let our friendship drop. Must have been an election year. I have an aunt who's the same way. I love her; I like her; I absolutely cannot "go there" with politics around her. She just turns on the poison when I do.
The thing is, if I--a conservative and Christian--were to say some of the same things these women have said to me I would be branded "intolerant and judgemental." It's a moot point anyway, because I would just never be that rude.
Mildly funny story (now that I've gotten over the sting of it:) Three years ago, at my parents' 40th wedding anniversary party, I was talking to the husband of my second cousin (his name is Roger.) The subject of Harry Potter came up, and I expressed how much I enjoyed the books.
"Oh!" He cried, waving his arms about, "Oh! Don't talk to me about that Witch Woman! I'll never read a word she's written! It's evil! It's... It's..." In his agitation, words simply failed him.
I was left doing a **jawdrop** at the sheer bad manners of this man. Since when is being "right" (if that's what you think you are) a higher virtue than being kind? Or loving? Or just basically polite?
I think there is a big difference between using good judgment and being judgmental. We do always need to exercise good judgment. However, when it concerns how other people live their own lives, even the mistakes they make, usually do not require a good deal of judgment from us...simply to stay out of their way when they would harm us and encourage them to always make good choices.
I do not believe that there is ever a call for being judgmental though. And in fact, being judgmental often causes as many problems as already exist. In my experience, people can sense judgment in other people from a mile away. Maybe we are not in a position to change that person's life or bad behaivors, but when we are judgmental we cut off all possibility of helping that person. The other problem with being judgmental is that opinions quickly being inflated. Few people in the world, if any, are 100% evil, but when most of us begin to judge we seem to forget that. We ignore those good things and by so doing miss the opportunity to appreciate and encourage that goodness.
And I do genuinely believe that a big part of judgmental attitude is about entertainment and self-gratification.
Sorry if my response seems harsh, but this same argument has been used on me before to justify what was essentially judgmental behavior. A lot of harm and pain has been caused by that behavior, so I am wary of any, any rationalization towards the judgmental.
Thanks for the comment though. We shall have to agree to disagree, I suppose. :D
I am probably one of the most judgemental people you will ever meet. I'm judging people all of the time! And I think if most people are very honest with themsleves, they would realize they do the same thing. It's a defense mechanism; part of our human survival instinct, I think. We *have* to make judgements about other- look at their words their actions, their beliefs, seeing if those things are in harmony with each other- in order to have a modicum of self-protection.
For instance, I'm judging the heck out of my toxic!aunt and her husband, and my sister-in-law and her husband right now, and I don't feel bad about it all. Three out of the four are probably (sorry about this, ivy) are acting like the stupidest human beings in the world right. I mean, the stupid, it runs SO DEEP right now that the situations have moved from bizarre to absurd. The fourth person- my sister-in-law's husband- is just such a HUGE (sorry about this Lisa, and anyone else offended by salty language) jackass that I am glad he and my SIL are divorcing (and I have never wished divorce on anyone, ever).
So yeah, I'm making judgements right and left. Some family members think my aunt needs love and support and sympathy right now. I don't think she does. As long as she keeps talking to the man who walked out on her, hoping he is going to come back, acting like he's only out of town on business, and spewing bitterness and poison, then I don't want to have anything to do with her, and I don't want my children around her. Some people would say I'm judging unfairly, to which I say, so what?
Reply
It was political and religious issues I had in mind when I replied. Like: "How-can-you-believe-something-different-from-what-I believe-you-must-be-STOOPID!" kind of thinking.
My first writing teacher was a pretty prolific children's author. We worked together for 2 years, and became friends. But she was so acid in her political convictions (how could any THINKING person believe differently than she did???) that I eventually just let our friendship drop. Must have been an election year. I have an aunt who's the same way. I love her; I like her; I absolutely cannot "go there" with politics around her. She just turns on the poison when I do.
The thing is, if I--a conservative and Christian--were to say some of the same things these women have said to me I would be branded "intolerant and judgemental." It's a moot point anyway, because I would just never be that rude.
Mildly funny story (now that I've gotten over the sting of it:) Three years ago, at my parents' 40th wedding anniversary party, I was talking to the husband of my second cousin (his name is Roger.) The subject of Harry Potter came up, and I expressed how much I enjoyed the books.
"Oh!" He cried, waving his arms about, "Oh! Don't talk to me about that Witch Woman! I'll never read a word she's written! It's evil! It's... It's..." In his agitation, words simply failed him.
I was left doing a **jawdrop** at the sheer bad manners of this man. Since when is being "right" (if that's what you think you are) a higher virtue than being kind? Or loving? Or just basically polite?
It never was, IMHO.
Reply
I do not believe that there is ever a call for being judgmental though. And in fact, being judgmental often causes as many problems as already exist. In my experience, people can sense judgment in other people from a mile away. Maybe we are not in a position to change that person's life or bad behaivors, but when we are judgmental we cut off all possibility of helping that person. The other problem with being judgmental is that opinions quickly being inflated. Few people in the world, if any, are 100% evil, but when most of us begin to judge we seem to forget that. We ignore those good things and by so doing miss the opportunity to appreciate and encourage that goodness.
And I do genuinely believe that a big part of judgmental attitude is about entertainment and self-gratification.
Sorry if my response seems harsh, but this same argument has been used on me before to justify what was essentially judgmental behavior. A lot of harm and pain has been caused by that behavior, so I am wary of any, any rationalization towards the judgmental.
Thanks for the comment though. We shall have to agree to disagree, I suppose. :D
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