A love letter
Dear Mel,
You deserve more than this letter, but it's the last thing I have to give. Since your departure from my life and since your relief and joy at being free from the pain your sickness had inflicted upon you I have been a mixed bag of emotions. People have, in expressing their sorrow for my loss, retold facts about the loss of their pets; conveying in a way, "I know how you feel". Some stating they have lost 10 of their 15 year old cats in the past 3 years, or their dog of 15 years passed away recently. And no, I don't mean to downplay the life of their pets to them, but I scarcely think of anyone's anguish being as great as mine was at that moment. Your passing topped the list of breakdowns in my life. You were my only pet, my only solace in some of my most loneliest moments. You grew with me from high school to college and then to married life. We both went through our phases. But you never failed me. You were reliable: a sturdy rock of comfort to me; and I confided in you all my secrets.
We both know you were not like the other dogs. You were quiet and still and thoughtful. When other dogs would run around, jumping and peeing on themselves with excitement, you would tilt your eyes up at mine for an indication of how you should behave, quietly sit, ears perked slightly. I enjoyed every moment of your company. You made me laugh. And even in the bleakest hours, when you weren't eating, when you could hardly move, when our days worked around you, I want you to know you were never a burden to me. My love for you was inexhaustible. As I felt your devotion to me was.
But for all your dignifying graces, you were still as silly as I was: chasing the tides of the river as they washed up on shore and digging excitedly for them when you saw them melt into the sand. I could have watched you for hours. In fact, I think I did.
Such pain at your departure I can not begin to convey. The thought of those first moments, minutes and hours without you--knowing that you would not be around to greet me...were traumatizing. Such was your impact on my life.
I hope your memories of me are as pleasant. I hope you do not remember the pain, and I hope you do not think I was being selfish for wanting to keep you for as long as I did. But you told me, in the end, that you were ready to leave. I know that now. And I know it was cruel of me to force you that medicine, but I didn't want you to go. Please don't think on that; it was a last desperate act to keep you; I hope you understand.
If there ever was a dog made to fit the mold of his owner, it was you for me. It was that way from the moment I first saw you in that cage nearly 8 years ago to the last breath you drew as I held your head in my lap quietly hoping you knew all of this already.
You were exemplary, my dear friend. And you meant the world to me.
As the days go by, I find peace in the memories, and less tears in the sorrow. And just as I know my love for you will never wane, I feel your devotion and loyalty to me. And I begin to truly know what I felt since the moment I called you mine: you will never leave my side.
With all my love,
Mama
You deserve more than this letter, but it's the last thing I have to give. Since your departure from my life and since your relief and joy at being free from the pain your sickness had inflicted upon you I have been a mixed bag of emotions. People have, in expressing their sorrow for my loss, retold facts about the loss of their pets; conveying in a way, "I know how you feel". Some stating they have lost 10 of their 15 year old cats in the past 3 years, or their dog of 15 years passed away recently. And no, I don't mean to downplay the life of their pets to them, but I scarcely think of anyone's anguish being as great as mine was at that moment. Your passing topped the list of breakdowns in my life. You were my only pet, my only solace in some of my most loneliest moments. You grew with me from high school to college and then to married life. We both went through our phases. But you never failed me. You were reliable: a sturdy rock of comfort to me; and I confided in you all my secrets.
We both know you were not like the other dogs. You were quiet and still and thoughtful. When other dogs would run around, jumping and peeing on themselves with excitement, you would tilt your eyes up at mine for an indication of how you should behave, quietly sit, ears perked slightly. I enjoyed every moment of your company. You made me laugh. And even in the bleakest hours, when you weren't eating, when you could hardly move, when our days worked around you, I want you to know you were never a burden to me. My love for you was inexhaustible. As I felt your devotion to me was.
But for all your dignifying graces, you were still as silly as I was: chasing the tides of the river as they washed up on shore and digging excitedly for them when you saw them melt into the sand. I could have watched you for hours. In fact, I think I did.
Such pain at your departure I can not begin to convey. The thought of those first moments, minutes and hours without you--knowing that you would not be around to greet me...were traumatizing. Such was your impact on my life.
I hope your memories of me are as pleasant. I hope you do not remember the pain, and I hope you do not think I was being selfish for wanting to keep you for as long as I did. But you told me, in the end, that you were ready to leave. I know that now. And I know it was cruel of me to force you that medicine, but I didn't want you to go. Please don't think on that; it was a last desperate act to keep you; I hope you understand.
If there ever was a dog made to fit the mold of his owner, it was you for me. It was that way from the moment I first saw you in that cage nearly 8 years ago to the last breath you drew as I held your head in my lap quietly hoping you knew all of this already.
You were exemplary, my dear friend. And you meant the world to me.
As the days go by, I find peace in the memories, and less tears in the sorrow. And just as I know my love for you will never wane, I feel your devotion and loyalty to me. And I begin to truly know what I felt since the moment I called you mine: you will never leave my side.
With all my love,
Mama