Baby, I'll cut to the chase. Referring to what you said on SI, to describe it on here is a really good idea. I know what you mean about 'cyber' harm. Its like writing violently is at least some kind of violence you can direct towards yrself.
I also want to say that I am very proud of you with respect to your self harm. You dont harm every, every few days, or even every week. All those days that you DONT harm you must bear in mind.
As for craving a 'fattie' so to speak. Let me tell you this. When the cut is fresh, your stomach will turn. When the cut is green and blue from bruising, and sratchy with harse stiches, you will feel like a leper. And when you have a big wide shiny red scar, you will realise too late quite how seriously you have branded yourself forever.
The scar i have on my inner upper arm can make my stomach flutter with being grossed out STILL, 8yrs after I did it. And it will never look any better without some kind of cosmetic surgery. And there is a gaper on the back of my forearm too that is rank.
When a cut is gaping, you can see subcutaneous fat and seeing that makes me hate myself more than ever.
They also dont bleed like you think they will, there is a sparcer network of vascularity beneath skin. In short they are unsatisfying, make me feel fat, and show you that you are out of control.
I hope this doesnt upset you, just wanted to impart this in case it does help. I really hope you dont do it.
Perhaps unwise advice here: but, if you want satisfying and very painful mess that needs much after care, reach for the safety razor before the kitchen knife. If you use a knife designed to slice thru chicken breast, you can imagine how difficult it is to be controlled with it.
Safety razors, a new one please, are clean, will slice superficially, and will sting like fuck as you shave skin off in their characteristic scrapes, bleed everywhere, but dont need medical treatment and heal REALLY well.
Stay in control lovely, dont touch yr face or hands xxxxxxxxxxxxx love u
I also want to say that I am very proud of you with respect to your self harm.
You dont harm every, every few days, or even every week. All those days that you DONT harm you must bear in mind.
As for craving a 'fattie' so to speak. Let me tell you this. When the cut is fresh, your stomach will turn. When the cut is green and blue from bruising, and sratchy with harse stiches, you will feel like a leper. And when you have a big wide shiny red scar, you will realise too late quite how seriously you have branded yourself forever.
The scar i have on my inner upper arm can make my stomach flutter with being grossed out STILL, 8yrs after I did it. And it will never look any better without some kind of cosmetic surgery. And there is a gaper on the back of my forearm too that is rank.
When a cut is gaping, you can see subcutaneous fat and seeing that makes me hate myself more than ever.
They also dont bleed like you think they will, there is a sparcer network of vascularity beneath skin. In short they are unsatisfying, make me feel fat, and show you that you are out of control.
I hope this doesnt upset you, just wanted to impart this in case it does help. I really hope you dont do it.
Perhaps unwise advice here: but, if you want satisfying and very painful mess that needs much after care, reach for the safety razor before the kitchen knife. If you use a knife designed to slice thru chicken breast, you can imagine how difficult it is to be controlled with it.
Safety razors, a new one please, are clean, will slice superficially, and will sting like fuck as you shave skin off in their characteristic scrapes, bleed everywhere, but dont need medical treatment and heal REALLY well.
Stay in control lovely, dont touch yr face or hands xxxxxxxxxxxxx love u
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