babe i know this is yr place to rant but i dont think he has treated you like shit. maybe at times, but overall i think he is taking care of both of you. you cheat on someone to be with him. thats no basis for something u seem to suspect could be special.
i feel way odd and was going to call u but i can only use the house phone here and im too scared to make noise. its ten to 5am and i havent slept. i cant and i dont know why. i am reading a book, memoirs of a fuck-up, and i want to end my miserable life. i know i wont but i am tormented by destructive impluses and a self-loathing so fuckin deep rooted i feel i will never escape. i thought i would be happy here. i thought i would be calm. i thought i would feel cosy inside, that there was nowhere cosier. so why do i want to sneak out the door and just drive straight home? i want to be in bed i want to hurt i want valium
why cant i let the love all around envelope me? why do my hands sweat as i 'relax' around the fire with my favourite cousins. my base level of anxiety is unacceptably high. i feel empty and i want to be filled. what am i craving? self harm? the end?
why am i not happy why am i not happy why am i not happy and worse, why do i want to shred my arms?i dont crave control, i seek the release of it. i want to let loose on myself, embrace the Fury
any pondering just deepens my dismay and disdain
are these wounds that will never heal? am i just too screwd,destined to never feel serenity or true joy?
i crave a simple answer yet there seems none
Of the 2 nights past, the first i didnt have a spliff. i went to bed at 12 and read till 3.
the second night i had a spliff, went to bed at 1, read till 3.
tonight, everyone packs off to bed at 1 again. i read. its 3am. i close my eys and they open as if spring-loaded. i read. its 5am and my eyes cant rest shut. whatr is this. i am desparatelky desparate, i feel rotten inside. i need a pee and i need some support, and i am gagging for a fag. i came down, had pee, had fag, sat down here. i was hoping u had posted and u had. and sorry if u think my reply is unfair, i dont know the guy so forgive me.
its 5.20am and i am scared of myself. scared of my feelings. i dont understand them. i crave hospital. i crave the bowl. (fish bowl, hospital). my aunt and unc are off somewhere at 6.30 this morn, just an hour away, so theyll be up soonish.
i want a spliff on the hope i can sleep after. but having one is just another reason to despise myself. i am an addict. a filthy selfish anxious addict.
i feel way odd and was going to call u but i can only use the house phone here and im too scared to make noise. its ten to 5am and i havent slept. i cant and i dont know why. i am reading a book, memoirs of a fuck-up, and i want to end my miserable life. i know i wont but i am tormented by destructive impluses and a self-loathing so fuckin deep rooted i feel i will never escape. i thought i would be happy here. i thought i would be calm. i thought i would feel cosy inside, that there was nowhere cosier. so why do i want to sneak out the door and just drive straight home? i want to be in bed i want to hurt i want valium
why cant i let the love all around envelope me? why do my hands sweat as i 'relax' around the fire with my favourite cousins. my base level of anxiety is unacceptably high. i feel empty and i want to be filled. what am i craving? self harm? the end?
why am i not happy why am i not happy why am i not happy and worse, why do i want to shred my arms?i dont crave control, i seek the release of it. i want to let loose on myself, embrace the Fury
any pondering just deepens my dismay and disdain
are these wounds that will never heal? am i just too screwd,destined to never feel serenity or true joy?
i crave a simple answer yet there seems none
Of the 2 nights past, the first i didnt have a spliff. i went to bed at 12 and read till 3.
the second night i had a spliff, went to bed at 1, read till 3.
tonight, everyone packs off to bed at 1 again. i read. its 3am. i close my eys and they open as if spring-loaded. i read. its 5am and my eyes cant rest shut. whatr is this. i am desparatelky desparate, i feel rotten inside. i need a pee and i need some support, and i am gagging for a fag. i came down, had pee, had fag, sat down here. i was hoping u had posted and u had. and sorry if u think my reply is unfair, i dont know the guy so forgive me.
its 5.20am and i am scared of myself. scared of my feelings. i dont understand them. i crave hospital. i crave the bowl. (fish bowl, hospital). my aunt and unc are off somewhere at 6.30 this morn, just an hour away, so theyll be up soonish.
i want a spliff on the hope i can sleep after. but having one is just another reason to despise myself. i am an addict. a filthy selfish anxious addict.
i have been thinking about the Twelve Steps
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