(no subject)
feeling very confused.
need to hurt myself but I literally cant be bothered. Losing touch with the lj community, losing touch with my friends. I mean I am a bit happy I guess with the uni and stuff but I am still so disatified with the way I am and the way I conduct my life. Its so hard to make a chance when all you want is the results right now. Urgh. Yesterday I pushed my door to let out some agression cause to be honest IM not strong enough to deal with the pain of cutting rite now, even though, I want to be. I punched it again and agin hoping to break my knuckle so I could go to hospital and be cared about. But I had a red hand for about 30 bloody mins and then it went. For fucks sake does it have to be a mirror or a blade? Urgh. Still not over carl, think about him all the time. His beautiful face and eyes - and he's not over me and its all a mess. And I cant seem to keep away from him even though he's asked me too. But sometimes its just nice to get away from the girls and chill with a guy. I think I really like marky too, infact I think IM falling for him. and I also still have feeling for jamie because he plays hard to get. He runs hot and cold, tells me Im all he's thought about for a year and then ignores me. Immature prick. Loser. But then this sort of behaviour from a bloke intices me in, he makes me chase and to be honest I thin I like that. so all of this makes me think I am infact crazy. Not stable enough to make anyone happy, not happy enough to make anyone stable. Junkie anorexic loser. Who wants that? I think Idraw people in and then spit them out before they realise that all I want to do is die. Infact I have never felt more suicidal and actualy comfortable with the idea then the other day. It seemed therwe was no way out, and I wasnt strong enough to even begin to change my life around. I was alone and all I could think about was walking to the nearest bridge and jumping off. Im not joking either. I seriously thought about it. I nearly got dressed and nearly prepared myself to walked to the nearest bridge and just stand there contimplating whether or not to do it. But then I realised I didnt want to die. I just dont want to be me, here, living this fucking hollyoaks life in fucking hyde park.
god what the fuck am I doing?
need to hurt myself but I literally cant be bothered. Losing touch with the lj community, losing touch with my friends. I mean I am a bit happy I guess with the uni and stuff but I am still so disatified with the way I am and the way I conduct my life. Its so hard to make a chance when all you want is the results right now. Urgh. Yesterday I pushed my door to let out some agression cause to be honest IM not strong enough to deal with the pain of cutting rite now, even though, I want to be. I punched it again and agin hoping to break my knuckle so I could go to hospital and be cared about. But I had a red hand for about 30 bloody mins and then it went. For fucks sake does it have to be a mirror or a blade? Urgh. Still not over carl, think about him all the time. His beautiful face and eyes - and he's not over me and its all a mess. And I cant seem to keep away from him even though he's asked me too. But sometimes its just nice to get away from the girls and chill with a guy. I think I really like marky too, infact I think IM falling for him. and I also still have feeling for jamie because he plays hard to get. He runs hot and cold, tells me Im all he's thought about for a year and then ignores me. Immature prick. Loser. But then this sort of behaviour from a bloke intices me in, he makes me chase and to be honest I thin I like that. so all of this makes me think I am infact crazy. Not stable enough to make anyone happy, not happy enough to make anyone stable. Junkie anorexic loser. Who wants that? I think Idraw people in and then spit them out before they realise that all I want to do is die. Infact I have never felt more suicidal and actualy comfortable with the idea then the other day. It seemed therwe was no way out, and I wasnt strong enough to even begin to change my life around. I was alone and all I could think about was walking to the nearest bridge and jumping off. Im not joking either. I seriously thought about it. I nearly got dressed and nearly prepared myself to walked to the nearest bridge and just stand there contimplating whether or not to do it. But then I realised I didnt want to die. I just dont want to be me, here, living this fucking hollyoaks life in fucking hyde park.
god what the fuck am I doing?