Fic: Acts Like Summer, Walks Like Rain (9.1/10)
Title: Acts Like Summer, Walks Like Rain (Part 9.1/10)
Author:
lealpotter
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Kurtofsky
Summary: In which Kurt slow and Dave is frustrating.
Author's Notes: Hmmm, I really hope this doesn't disappoint. I know I'm pushing it with the half-chapters. Oh the other hand, we're very close to the end; I've just figured out that there will be only three more, being one of those the other half of this, and the other two another two halves of a sole chapter. And then, the epilogue. And some extra kind-of-a-sequel one-shots. SMUTTY one-shots, because, really, who am I kidding, Kurtofsky is end-game.
Previous chapters:
Chapter 1 - He's Such a Teaser, He's Such A Star
Chapter 2 - I Do Love, He Does Heartbreak
Chapter 3 - I'll Show You The Time Of Your Life
Chapter 4 - Give Me A Reason Or Give Me A Chance
Chapter 5 - Am I Alone In Your Heart
Chapter 6 - Give Me An Evening, Or Give Me A Night
Chapter 6.1 - I Skip A Heartbeat
Chapter 7.1 - Doing All I Can Do
Chapter 7.2 - Just To Be Close To You
Chapter 8 - I'll Walk You Home Safe From The Dark
"Who's this?"
"Hi, Kurt."
"Dave! Finally! What happened to your phone?"
"Fucking dog fucking ate my fucking phone."
"…no."
"Yeah."
"Wait, I didn't even know you had a dog."
"Yeah you did, I told you. Willy."
"Is 'Willy' immortal by any chance?"
"Don't say it like that, I was like, four, and he wouldn't even answer to anything else after a while. And no, 'course not."
"You talked of a Willy going with you to the park when you were little."
"Yeah, 's the same. He was just a pup. But now he's fucking huge, and fucking senile, and he ate my fucking phone."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"Real funny, huh? "
"N-no. Just a little bit?"
"Ha fucking ha. Should've been your phone."
"Don't even. I could have gone into shock after you almost crashed mine that one time."
"What time?"
"That time."
"That - oh."
"Mmm-hmmm."
"Sorry."
"It's okay. It would be very mild shock, if you take into account the events that followed."
"I'm sorry."
"Oh, for Barbra's sake, David."
"What? What do you want me to say? God, I'll say it, whatever you want, just-"
"I'm kidding. But you could have just told me."
"That I was gay? Fuck, Fancy, I couldn't even say it right 'till two days ago."
"I didn't mean that, exactly, I just - never mind."
"Huh?"
"Never mind."
"As you wish, Princess."
"What?"
"Sorry, sorry. King Kurt."
"I - god, David, I'm starting to understand how Finn feels all the time."
"Aww, you're not slow, you're just really special."
"I'm slow, now?"
"Special."
"I hate you."
"..."
"Oh, for the sake of Prada, I didn't mean that. You know I didn't."
"…really?"
"Pfft. And I'm slow?"
"Spe -"
"Okay, I'm just gonna stop you right there, before this gets ugly. So. Did you get a new phone?"
"…hum. My dad had this extra one that the company gave him, so he gave it to me. But it's really fucking fancy, and I've got no idea how the goddamn thing works. Shit keeps popping up."
"Nice things are completely wasted on you. What did you want, two cans and a string?"
"Jeez, Fancy. What did I do now?"
"Nothing."
"Shyeah, right."
"Hmm. You're lucky to have all the numbers written down, then."
"What?"
"I mean, I'm always thinking I have to do it in case I ever misplace my phone, but I never get around to it."
"What are you talking about, I don't have the numbers written down."
"Then how - you're not psychic, are you?"
"Wha -"
"No, obviously not. You're not in league with the Secret Services, then, are you?"
"You know, you're kinda hard to follow when you go off on your little tangents."
"My number, David. How did you even know to dial my number?"
"Good with those, I guess."
"You know all the numbers in your contact list by heart?"
"What, no, do I look like a goddamn android phonebook to you? Jus' know some. You know, my parents', my sisters', the house -"
"Mine."
"Call you almost every fucking day, don't I?"
"I'm just… flattered. And incredibly ashamed that I don't know yours."
"'S alright, Fancy."
"I'm dreadful with numbers. I sometimes blank out on my own."
"That's just… sad."
"Not everyone's got a crush on irrational numbers, Mr. I-take-Calculus-before-everyone-else-because-it's-fun-and-I'm-a-real-dork."
"Dude, you're in glee club. Where do you get off calling other people dorks?"
"Glee club is elite. One day, we'll rule the world."
"Uh-huh."
"Or rather, I will. They'll be my minions. And I even have my shiny knock-off tiara to go with the title."
"Supreme Rocking Emperor of All the Known and Unknown Goddamn Universe?"
"Excellent, David. You'll be very useful."
"Gonna take me as your kept boy?"
"Hmm, I thought I'd have Puck for it. Oh, well."
"Nah, you chose right. He's got the guns for the job, after all."
"Oh, really?"
"Yep."
"I didn't know you were noticing."
"What, you get to, but no one else does? Besides, it's not like I can help it, with the way he flaunts it all the time."
"Hum."
"But I guess it's all 'bout personal taste, right? Like, Sam's got the better ass, Mike's got the abs -"
"It's Sam, now? Mike?"
"And Finn's got that whole goofy good-guy thing going on, and I guess it works."
"It does?"
"And Artie, if you're into nerdy types, I guess."
"Good to know."
"That's all the guys in your club, right?"
"I have to go. It's my turn to vacuum."
"Hope I'm not forgetting any - Aww, but I thought we were brainstorming your plans for world domination! And, you know, talking guys."
"I'm sorry. I have to go."
"'Kay then. I'll call you later, Kurtie."
"What? I -going."
"Hum."
"…"
"You totally started it, Fancy."
"…"
"Now, if I could just figure out where's the fucking turn off button in this thing…"
"…"
"…"
"Kurt!"
"Blaine, please, can it wait? I'm not feeling up to my usual form right now."
"Oh. What is it? Have you got the bug that's been going around?"
"There's a bug going around?"
"There's always a bug going around."
"…no, I haven't caught anything. I'm just feeling a little disgusting and anti-social, that's all."
"Oh, come on, tell me. Then I can let you in on the news about Terry."
"Who's Terry?"
"That guy I told you about. Didn't I tell you his name was Terry?"
"You did not. Blaine, really -"
"It's not a bad name, is it? Like Bernard. My mother wanted to call me Bernard, but my dad wouldn't let her. Must have thought it was too gay."
"Blaine, I'm sorry, I'm not at my best by far, and, quite frankly, you're the last person who could be of any help right now."
"Oh, why?"
"Because I'm feeling ugly and awkward, and bloated with cookie dough, and just plain repellent. And you once told me that my sexy faces made me look like I had gas pains."
"Do you want me to come over and cheer you up?"
"Please do. Oh, and bring rope. I'm spying this wonderfully sturdy branch just outside my window that would be perfect for hanging myself."
"O-kay! This is bad, Kurt, what happened?"
"Nothing. Just let me wallow in self-pity. Don't I get the right?"
"What sort of friend would I be if I did?"
"An obliging one?"
"Come on. Tell me."
"I'm a love pariah."
"Aren't we all."
"Blaine!"
"Was that a growl? So cute!"
"Kill. Me."
"No. Even if it meant getting that jacket of yours from Marc Jacob's Fall 2009 collection."
"Ugh. Dream on, bitch."
"You're mouthy when you're depressed. Good to know."
"No one wants me."
"…"
"Stop humming drunken karaoke choices!"
"…sorry. It's so catchy."
"Why do I only get crushes on boys that quite obviously want nothing to do with me?"
"Someone I know?"
"You know who I'm talking about."
"Actually, no."
"Dave."
"Nope, doesn't ring a bell."
"Karofsky."
"You're not making any sense, Kurt."
"I'm hanging up on you and eating cupcake frosting right out of the can."
"Because, well, the only Dave Karofsky I know looks at you like he wants to pick you up and spread you all over his morning toast."
"Liar."
"Never on such serious matters."
"He doesn't. Not anymore, if he ever did."
"Have you had a fall lately?"
"What?"
"'Cause if you did, by what I'm hearing, there's a likely chance you might have fallen square on your head."
"Uhgh, Blaine. I can't handle complexity right now."
"Would you like me to give it to you straight? Now, there's an interesting turn of phrase."
"Please."
"David Karofsky wants your babies, Kurt."
"Liar."
"Well, if you're gonna be like that -"
"He won't even kiss me! And yesterday - yesterday he kept talking about Puck's guns, and Sam's ass, and god only knows what else!"
"Sam does have a very nice ass."
"Uhgh!"
"Kurt, come on."
"…"
"Kurt?"
"…"
"Well, this is new."
"…"
"…"
"You're a strong, independent man, Kurt."
"Fuck off."
"Well."
"Oh god, Blaine, I'm sorry, but I can't -"
"That boy loves you, Kurt."
"You don't know that. You saw us together for like, two minutes -"
"And I saw enough. Kurt, if I'm ever lucky enough to find someone who will just look at me like that, I'm counting on you to make sure I never let him go. Just like I'm doing now."
"I - I thought that too, but he wouldn't even get close to me, and when he would, he always pulled away, and I checked, my breath was fine, there was nothing specifically wrong with me, so it's him, he's confused out of his mind -"
"Kurt, stop it."
"And I was the only gay kid he knew, so he forced himself in love with me, but he's gone so far already, and he's leaving me behind, and it's not fucking fair, because he made me fall for him, the stupid jerk made me fall for him, with his stupid hands, and his stupid eyes, and his stupid voice, and his stupid, stupid words!"
"Oh, Kurt…"
"What am I supposed to do now, Blaine, tell me, you always have all the answers, don't you -"
"Not even close. Oh God, Kurt -"
"I never meant for this to happen, you know? I was going to be his mentor, but then I was his friend, and I never thought he would be this guy, so what was I supposed to do, how was I supposed to - not like him, not want him, not need him, god, it's like I can't go through the day in peace without hearing his voice, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore! It's a mess, just a mess, such a fucking mess, and he wasn't supposed to be the Kurt to my Blaine, he wasn't, he wasn't, but if he was, then why can't I just find a nice shop assistant at Bloomingdale's, why?"
"Don't cry, Kurt, please -"
"I have to, I really have to, because I'm dumb, and I always do this! I fall too deep, I know that, but I thought I had control here, because it didn't feel like this with Finn, or Sam for god's sake, or even you. With him it was just there, but it wasn't, and I didn't notice it until it was too late, until it was this thing, this huge messy thing, so what am I supposed to do now?"
"Hold up. Hold up, Kurt, I'll call you in five."
"Don't, I - I'm a disaster-zone all by myself, Blaine, I'm just -"
"…"
"Go ahead, save yourself."
"…"
"Where the fuck are my Kleenex?"
"…"
"…"
"Did you just call Finn and had him drive all the way here from Rachel's to give me a hug?"
"Well, I figured it would take him less time than me to get there."
"I don't deserve to have friends."
"Was it a good hug?"
"I sort of slobbered all over his t-shirt, but he said it was fine. It made me feel a little guilty for snapping at him over getting cranberry juice on my Prada shirt the other day."
"No residual feelings, I hope. I was kinda on the fence with that, but I figured it would be better than having you drown in heartbreak and despair."
"Uhgh, not you too. No, no feelings. Just nice. He's good at this brotherly stuff."
"Oh, good. Feeling any better?"
"Strangely, yes. Oh, and Rachel sent me a written contract stating she will voluntarily give at least five solos over to me during the next year, just to cheer me up."
"That was nice of her."
"And possibly indicating of head trauma, but it's my gift horse now."
"About David -"
"Don't. I need a new box of Kleenex."
"Kurt, I don't know exactly what might be going through his head right now, but I know feelings don't just disappear like that."
"Yours did."
"Come again?"
"You told me you loved me - and quite a few times at that."
"And I still do. I might have had romantic love and 'friendly' love a bit mixed up, but it didn't just disappear. We just weren't - right for each other, or it wasn't our time, what do I know. And, if I remember correctly, you said it back, so stones and glass roofs, hum? We were attracted to each other and confused things, Kurt."
"Well, maybe that's what happened to D-Dave."
"Kurt -"
"I'm - I'm okay. It's probably just midsummer allergies."
"I don't think Karofsky is the type of guy to mix up that sort of thing, Kurt, I really don't."
"You don't know him."
"No, but you do. Can you honestly tell me, knowing him, that that guy feels absolutely nothing for you?"
"He -"
"He's scared, Kurt. Who wouldn't be?"
"I g-guess -"
"What?"
"Maybe. I don't know. He says things sometimes, I -"
"Yes?"
"And there was the phone - sex thing."
"Have you talked to him about it?"
"Not yet."
"Well, I think you have a real miscommunication problem going there. You have to talk."
"We talk all the time! That was the problem to begin with!"
"I see. But if you can't tell him, it doesn't mean you can't still let him know. You know, the way we do best."
"What, sing itto him?"
"Is it that far-fetched?"
"Are you serious? Me, serenading David Karofsky?"
"Stranger things have happened."
"No, they haven't. Trust me."
"Well, I'll leave you to sleep on it."
"Blaine!"
"Bye, Kurt!"
"Blaine Anderson, you manipulative puppet-master, don't hang up on me!"
"…"
"There is no way."
"…"
"No way."
"…"
"Oh god."
"…"
"…"
"Sorry, sorry, can't fucking figure out this fucking thing. Stupid phone."
"Hum, hi?"
"Got buttons where there shouldn't be any fucking buttons, I'll fucking swear they change places when I'm not looking."
"Maybe you should just trade it in for a simple one. With voiced instructions. Possibly a gold star system."
"Funny. Hi, Kurt."
"… hi."
"Wait, did I do something? Shit, I didn't reject your calls or something, did I? 'Cause if I did, it was totally the thing's fault."
"It has a name, Dave, honestly."
"'S called 'ruining my fucking life', that's what. But, seriously, you okay?"
"I'm fine. Just allergies."
"Huh. Thought they would have come earlier."
"I was always a late bloomer."
"Hmm. So…"
"Yes?"
"Shit, don't even know how to -"
"What?"
"My mom wants you to come over some day."
"…"
"I know, that's what I said."
"I -"
"Look, you don't have to, alright? 'S just - she wants to meet you and shit."
"Oh. Am I cute, then?"
"What."
"Well, you said she -"
"What, no! 'S not like that!"
"Okay."
"Fuck, I don't even -"
"I should go. Finn's probably cooking up disaster wherever he is."
"Fuck Hudson, just -"
"I don't think he would be on board with that."
"Goddamn it, I - my dad told her about you, okay? Last year, my almost-expulsion?"
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"She must hate me, David, what were you thinking? I can't!"
"Are you mental? Of course she doesn't, stop that, she just knows we've been talking and that you're, hum, also gay, and that we're friends now. She's just being all lame and weird about it."
"Is it weird for her to want to meet your friends?"
"I'm seventeen, for fuck's sake!"
"That was mature."
"Shut up."
"As was that. Are you sure she isn't grinding her axe right now?"
"I told you, she'd love you. You're like her dream son or whatever."
"Well, I did get her son almost-expelled."
"Her fucking son got himself almost-expelled, Fancy."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"When do you want me?"
"… huh. What?"
"When would it be best for you to have me?"
"I, hum, I -"
"David!"
"… yeah?"
"Me. Your house. When?"
"Oh. Oh! Dunno, whenever you want."
"Tomorrow?"
"Yeah, sure. She's working the day shift at the hospital, but you can come over after lunch - I mean, if you want to. You could eat with us, but it's probably gonna be leftovers from whatever my dad cooks for dinner tonight. He's not really the best cook in the world."
"Your mother is a doctor?"
"Nah, nurse. My grandparents couldn't afford medical school. But she likes it, I guess."
"Oh, maybe I've met her. I spent entirely too much time in the hospital last year."
"Don't think so, she works in the maternity ward. Says it curbs the reproducing urge a bit, or whatever. Moms are fucking weird."
"She sounds nice."
"Oh, shit, fuck me in my big fucking mouth, Kurt, I didn't -"
"I know, David. It's fine."
"No, it fucking isn't, just kick me in the nuts next time you see me, okay? I fucking deserve it."
"Don't be ridiculous. It's probably for the best if I eat here, Carole is going to be out all day and Finn gets antsy and overly friendly with kitchen appliances when he can't find the food right away."
"Hum. Traumatic experience?"
"Still trying to suppress. So, tomorrow around three?"
"Works for me. Aww, shit, my sister's gonna be home."
"Little one or big one?"
"… y'know, it's kinda sad that they're both shorter than me. Lil' one."
"I'll finally get to meet her, then."
"Yeah, sorry about that."
"Don't be mean. She doesn't hate me, does she?"
"What - no one hates you, Fancy, where the hell are you getting this?"
"Well, I'm guessing I wasn't your favorite person for a long time. I tremble at what they might have heard about me."
"Not as much as you'd think."
"Oh?"
"Come on, are you serious? Like I was gonna talk to them about you. I mean, with the bullying and then the -"
"The what?"
"I just didn't talk about you. For obvious reasons."
"Those being…?"
"You know."
"Actually, I don't."
"Yeah, Fancy, right. No one hates you, your ass is safe, and my sis' is gonna have a fucking blast mouthing off about me."
"You're the most frustrating creature know to man, David."
"Why's that?"
"Oh, you know. So Alex, is it?"
"…huh, yeah. But you'd better call her Alexis, she hates it when I call her Alex."
"That, I imagine, is the exact reason why you do it."
"Man of habits, huh, Fancy?"
"I already like her. We'll commiserate."
"Yeah, she used to love it when she was a baby, and she still doesn't mind Em calling her that, but when it's me…"
"You have an aggravating personality. It might be that."
"Ouch."
"The truth must be freed."
"You're a pain."
"You love it. Hum, gotta go."
"What?"
"Plans must be made. Bye, David!"
"The fuck…"
"…"
"Bye, Fancy."
"…"
"Yeah, I totally do."
"…"
"…"
Author's Notes 2.0: Sooo, I'm breaking all the promises to myself here. But the next chapter is something I've been thinking of writing for a long time, so.
Chapter 9.2a - Always Up For A Laugh
Author:
lealpotter
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Kurtofsky
Summary: In which Kurt slow and Dave is frustrating.
Author's Notes: Hmmm, I really hope this doesn't disappoint. I know I'm pushing it with the half-chapters. Oh the other hand, we're very close to the end; I've just figured out that there will be only three more, being one of those the other half of this, and the other two another two halves of a sole chapter. And then, the epilogue. And some extra kind-of-a-sequel one-shots. SMUTTY one-shots, because, really, who am I kidding, Kurtofsky is end-game.
Previous chapters:
Chapter 1 - He's Such a Teaser, He's Such A Star
Chapter 2 - I Do Love, He Does Heartbreak
Chapter 3 - I'll Show You The Time Of Your Life
Chapter 4 - Give Me A Reason Or Give Me A Chance
Chapter 5 - Am I Alone In Your Heart
Chapter 6 - Give Me An Evening, Or Give Me A Night
Chapter 6.1 - I Skip A Heartbeat
Chapter 7.1 - Doing All I Can Do
Chapter 7.2 - Just To Be Close To You
Chapter 8 - I'll Walk You Home Safe From The Dark
"Who's this?"
"Hi, Kurt."
"Dave! Finally! What happened to your phone?"
"Fucking dog fucking ate my fucking phone."
"…no."
"Yeah."
"Wait, I didn't even know you had a dog."
"Yeah you did, I told you. Willy."
"Is 'Willy' immortal by any chance?"
"Don't say it like that, I was like, four, and he wouldn't even answer to anything else after a while. And no, 'course not."
"You talked of a Willy going with you to the park when you were little."
"Yeah, 's the same. He was just a pup. But now he's fucking huge, and fucking senile, and he ate my fucking phone."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"Real funny, huh? "
"N-no. Just a little bit?"
"Ha fucking ha. Should've been your phone."
"Don't even. I could have gone into shock after you almost crashed mine that one time."
"What time?"
"That time."
"That - oh."
"Mmm-hmmm."
"Sorry."
"It's okay. It would be very mild shock, if you take into account the events that followed."
"I'm sorry."
"Oh, for Barbra's sake, David."
"What? What do you want me to say? God, I'll say it, whatever you want, just-"
"I'm kidding. But you could have just told me."
"That I was gay? Fuck, Fancy, I couldn't even say it right 'till two days ago."
"I didn't mean that, exactly, I just - never mind."
"Huh?"
"Never mind."
"As you wish, Princess."
"What?"
"Sorry, sorry. King Kurt."
"I - god, David, I'm starting to understand how Finn feels all the time."
"Aww, you're not slow, you're just really special."
"I'm slow, now?"
"Special."
"I hate you."
"..."
"Oh, for the sake of Prada, I didn't mean that. You know I didn't."
"…really?"
"Pfft. And I'm slow?"
"Spe -"
"Okay, I'm just gonna stop you right there, before this gets ugly. So. Did you get a new phone?"
"…hum. My dad had this extra one that the company gave him, so he gave it to me. But it's really fucking fancy, and I've got no idea how the goddamn thing works. Shit keeps popping up."
"Nice things are completely wasted on you. What did you want, two cans and a string?"
"Jeez, Fancy. What did I do now?"
"Nothing."
"Shyeah, right."
"Hmm. You're lucky to have all the numbers written down, then."
"What?"
"I mean, I'm always thinking I have to do it in case I ever misplace my phone, but I never get around to it."
"What are you talking about, I don't have the numbers written down."
"Then how - you're not psychic, are you?"
"Wha -"
"No, obviously not. You're not in league with the Secret Services, then, are you?"
"You know, you're kinda hard to follow when you go off on your little tangents."
"My number, David. How did you even know to dial my number?"
"Good with those, I guess."
"You know all the numbers in your contact list by heart?"
"What, no, do I look like a goddamn android phonebook to you? Jus' know some. You know, my parents', my sisters', the house -"
"Mine."
"Call you almost every fucking day, don't I?"
"I'm just… flattered. And incredibly ashamed that I don't know yours."
"'S alright, Fancy."
"I'm dreadful with numbers. I sometimes blank out on my own."
"That's just… sad."
"Not everyone's got a crush on irrational numbers, Mr. I-take-Calculus-before-everyone-else-because-it's-fun-and-I'm-a-real-dork."
"Dude, you're in glee club. Where do you get off calling other people dorks?"
"Glee club is elite. One day, we'll rule the world."
"Uh-huh."
"Or rather, I will. They'll be my minions. And I even have my shiny knock-off tiara to go with the title."
"Supreme Rocking Emperor of All the Known and Unknown Goddamn Universe?"
"Excellent, David. You'll be very useful."
"Gonna take me as your kept boy?"
"Hmm, I thought I'd have Puck for it. Oh, well."
"Nah, you chose right. He's got the guns for the job, after all."
"Oh, really?"
"Yep."
"I didn't know you were noticing."
"What, you get to, but no one else does? Besides, it's not like I can help it, with the way he flaunts it all the time."
"Hum."
"But I guess it's all 'bout personal taste, right? Like, Sam's got the better ass, Mike's got the abs -"
"It's Sam, now? Mike?"
"And Finn's got that whole goofy good-guy thing going on, and I guess it works."
"It does?"
"And Artie, if you're into nerdy types, I guess."
"Good to know."
"That's all the guys in your club, right?"
"I have to go. It's my turn to vacuum."
"Hope I'm not forgetting any - Aww, but I thought we were brainstorming your plans for world domination! And, you know, talking guys."
"I'm sorry. I have to go."
"'Kay then. I'll call you later, Kurtie."
"What? I -going."
"Hum."
"…"
"You totally started it, Fancy."
"…"
"Now, if I could just figure out where's the fucking turn off button in this thing…"
"…"
"…"
"Kurt!"
"Blaine, please, can it wait? I'm not feeling up to my usual form right now."
"Oh. What is it? Have you got the bug that's been going around?"
"There's a bug going around?"
"There's always a bug going around."
"…no, I haven't caught anything. I'm just feeling a little disgusting and anti-social, that's all."
"Oh, come on, tell me. Then I can let you in on the news about Terry."
"Who's Terry?"
"That guy I told you about. Didn't I tell you his name was Terry?"
"You did not. Blaine, really -"
"It's not a bad name, is it? Like Bernard. My mother wanted to call me Bernard, but my dad wouldn't let her. Must have thought it was too gay."
"Blaine, I'm sorry, I'm not at my best by far, and, quite frankly, you're the last person who could be of any help right now."
"Oh, why?"
"Because I'm feeling ugly and awkward, and bloated with cookie dough, and just plain repellent. And you once told me that my sexy faces made me look like I had gas pains."
"Do you want me to come over and cheer you up?"
"Please do. Oh, and bring rope. I'm spying this wonderfully sturdy branch just outside my window that would be perfect for hanging myself."
"O-kay! This is bad, Kurt, what happened?"
"Nothing. Just let me wallow in self-pity. Don't I get the right?"
"What sort of friend would I be if I did?"
"An obliging one?"
"Come on. Tell me."
"I'm a love pariah."
"Aren't we all."
"Blaine!"
"Was that a growl? So cute!"
"Kill. Me."
"No. Even if it meant getting that jacket of yours from Marc Jacob's Fall 2009 collection."
"Ugh. Dream on, bitch."
"You're mouthy when you're depressed. Good to know."
"No one wants me."
"…"
"Stop humming drunken karaoke choices!"
"…sorry. It's so catchy."
"Why do I only get crushes on boys that quite obviously want nothing to do with me?"
"Someone I know?"
"You know who I'm talking about."
"Actually, no."
"Dave."
"Nope, doesn't ring a bell."
"Karofsky."
"You're not making any sense, Kurt."
"I'm hanging up on you and eating cupcake frosting right out of the can."
"Because, well, the only Dave Karofsky I know looks at you like he wants to pick you up and spread you all over his morning toast."
"Liar."
"Never on such serious matters."
"He doesn't. Not anymore, if he ever did."
"Have you had a fall lately?"
"What?"
"'Cause if you did, by what I'm hearing, there's a likely chance you might have fallen square on your head."
"Uhgh, Blaine. I can't handle complexity right now."
"Would you like me to give it to you straight? Now, there's an interesting turn of phrase."
"Please."
"David Karofsky wants your babies, Kurt."
"Liar."
"Well, if you're gonna be like that -"
"He won't even kiss me! And yesterday - yesterday he kept talking about Puck's guns, and Sam's ass, and god only knows what else!"
"Sam does have a very nice ass."
"Uhgh!"
"Kurt, come on."
"…"
"Kurt?"
"…"
"Well, this is new."
"…"
"…"
"You're a strong, independent man, Kurt."
"Fuck off."
"Well."
"Oh god, Blaine, I'm sorry, but I can't -"
"That boy loves you, Kurt."
"You don't know that. You saw us together for like, two minutes -"
"And I saw enough. Kurt, if I'm ever lucky enough to find someone who will just look at me like that, I'm counting on you to make sure I never let him go. Just like I'm doing now."
"I - I thought that too, but he wouldn't even get close to me, and when he would, he always pulled away, and I checked, my breath was fine, there was nothing specifically wrong with me, so it's him, he's confused out of his mind -"
"Kurt, stop it."
"And I was the only gay kid he knew, so he forced himself in love with me, but he's gone so far already, and he's leaving me behind, and it's not fucking fair, because he made me fall for him, the stupid jerk made me fall for him, with his stupid hands, and his stupid eyes, and his stupid voice, and his stupid, stupid words!"
"Oh, Kurt…"
"What am I supposed to do now, Blaine, tell me, you always have all the answers, don't you -"
"Not even close. Oh God, Kurt -"
"I never meant for this to happen, you know? I was going to be his mentor, but then I was his friend, and I never thought he would be this guy, so what was I supposed to do, how was I supposed to - not like him, not want him, not need him, god, it's like I can't go through the day in peace without hearing his voice, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore! It's a mess, just a mess, such a fucking mess, and he wasn't supposed to be the Kurt to my Blaine, he wasn't, he wasn't, but if he was, then why can't I just find a nice shop assistant at Bloomingdale's, why?"
"Don't cry, Kurt, please -"
"I have to, I really have to, because I'm dumb, and I always do this! I fall too deep, I know that, but I thought I had control here, because it didn't feel like this with Finn, or Sam for god's sake, or even you. With him it was just there, but it wasn't, and I didn't notice it until it was too late, until it was this thing, this huge messy thing, so what am I supposed to do now?"
"Hold up. Hold up, Kurt, I'll call you in five."
"Don't, I - I'm a disaster-zone all by myself, Blaine, I'm just -"
"…"
"Go ahead, save yourself."
"…"
"Where the fuck are my Kleenex?"
"…"
"…"
"Did you just call Finn and had him drive all the way here from Rachel's to give me a hug?"
"Well, I figured it would take him less time than me to get there."
"I don't deserve to have friends."
"Was it a good hug?"
"I sort of slobbered all over his t-shirt, but he said it was fine. It made me feel a little guilty for snapping at him over getting cranberry juice on my Prada shirt the other day."
"No residual feelings, I hope. I was kinda on the fence with that, but I figured it would be better than having you drown in heartbreak and despair."
"Uhgh, not you too. No, no feelings. Just nice. He's good at this brotherly stuff."
"Oh, good. Feeling any better?"
"Strangely, yes. Oh, and Rachel sent me a written contract stating she will voluntarily give at least five solos over to me during the next year, just to cheer me up."
"That was nice of her."
"And possibly indicating of head trauma, but it's my gift horse now."
"About David -"
"Don't. I need a new box of Kleenex."
"Kurt, I don't know exactly what might be going through his head right now, but I know feelings don't just disappear like that."
"Yours did."
"Come again?"
"You told me you loved me - and quite a few times at that."
"And I still do. I might have had romantic love and 'friendly' love a bit mixed up, but it didn't just disappear. We just weren't - right for each other, or it wasn't our time, what do I know. And, if I remember correctly, you said it back, so stones and glass roofs, hum? We were attracted to each other and confused things, Kurt."
"Well, maybe that's what happened to D-Dave."
"Kurt -"
"I'm - I'm okay. It's probably just midsummer allergies."
"I don't think Karofsky is the type of guy to mix up that sort of thing, Kurt, I really don't."
"You don't know him."
"No, but you do. Can you honestly tell me, knowing him, that that guy feels absolutely nothing for you?"
"He -"
"He's scared, Kurt. Who wouldn't be?"
"I g-guess -"
"What?"
"Maybe. I don't know. He says things sometimes, I -"
"Yes?"
"And there was the phone - sex thing."
"Have you talked to him about it?"
"Not yet."
"Well, I think you have a real miscommunication problem going there. You have to talk."
"We talk all the time! That was the problem to begin with!"
"I see. But if you can't tell him, it doesn't mean you can't still let him know. You know, the way we do best."
"What, sing itto him?"
"Is it that far-fetched?"
"Are you serious? Me, serenading David Karofsky?"
"Stranger things have happened."
"No, they haven't. Trust me."
"Well, I'll leave you to sleep on it."
"Blaine!"
"Bye, Kurt!"
"Blaine Anderson, you manipulative puppet-master, don't hang up on me!"
"…"
"There is no way."
"…"
"No way."
"…"
"Oh god."
"…"
"…"
"Sorry, sorry, can't fucking figure out this fucking thing. Stupid phone."
"Hum, hi?"
"Got buttons where there shouldn't be any fucking buttons, I'll fucking swear they change places when I'm not looking."
"Maybe you should just trade it in for a simple one. With voiced instructions. Possibly a gold star system."
"Funny. Hi, Kurt."
"… hi."
"Wait, did I do something? Shit, I didn't reject your calls or something, did I? 'Cause if I did, it was totally the thing's fault."
"It has a name, Dave, honestly."
"'S called 'ruining my fucking life', that's what. But, seriously, you okay?"
"I'm fine. Just allergies."
"Huh. Thought they would have come earlier."
"I was always a late bloomer."
"Hmm. So…"
"Yes?"
"Shit, don't even know how to -"
"What?"
"My mom wants you to come over some day."
"…"
"I know, that's what I said."
"I -"
"Look, you don't have to, alright? 'S just - she wants to meet you and shit."
"Oh. Am I cute, then?"
"What."
"Well, you said she -"
"What, no! 'S not like that!"
"Okay."
"Fuck, I don't even -"
"I should go. Finn's probably cooking up disaster wherever he is."
"Fuck Hudson, just -"
"I don't think he would be on board with that."
"Goddamn it, I - my dad told her about you, okay? Last year, my almost-expulsion?"
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"She must hate me, David, what were you thinking? I can't!"
"Are you mental? Of course she doesn't, stop that, she just knows we've been talking and that you're, hum, also gay, and that we're friends now. She's just being all lame and weird about it."
"Is it weird for her to want to meet your friends?"
"I'm seventeen, for fuck's sake!"
"That was mature."
"Shut up."
"As was that. Are you sure she isn't grinding her axe right now?"
"I told you, she'd love you. You're like her dream son or whatever."
"Well, I did get her son almost-expelled."
"Her fucking son got himself almost-expelled, Fancy."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"When do you want me?"
"… huh. What?"
"When would it be best for you to have me?"
"I, hum, I -"
"David!"
"… yeah?"
"Me. Your house. When?"
"Oh. Oh! Dunno, whenever you want."
"Tomorrow?"
"Yeah, sure. She's working the day shift at the hospital, but you can come over after lunch - I mean, if you want to. You could eat with us, but it's probably gonna be leftovers from whatever my dad cooks for dinner tonight. He's not really the best cook in the world."
"Your mother is a doctor?"
"Nah, nurse. My grandparents couldn't afford medical school. But she likes it, I guess."
"Oh, maybe I've met her. I spent entirely too much time in the hospital last year."
"Don't think so, she works in the maternity ward. Says it curbs the reproducing urge a bit, or whatever. Moms are fucking weird."
"She sounds nice."
"Oh, shit, fuck me in my big fucking mouth, Kurt, I didn't -"
"I know, David. It's fine."
"No, it fucking isn't, just kick me in the nuts next time you see me, okay? I fucking deserve it."
"Don't be ridiculous. It's probably for the best if I eat here, Carole is going to be out all day and Finn gets antsy and overly friendly with kitchen appliances when he can't find the food right away."
"Hum. Traumatic experience?"
"Still trying to suppress. So, tomorrow around three?"
"Works for me. Aww, shit, my sister's gonna be home."
"Little one or big one?"
"… y'know, it's kinda sad that they're both shorter than me. Lil' one."
"I'll finally get to meet her, then."
"Yeah, sorry about that."
"Don't be mean. She doesn't hate me, does she?"
"What - no one hates you, Fancy, where the hell are you getting this?"
"Well, I'm guessing I wasn't your favorite person for a long time. I tremble at what they might have heard about me."
"Not as much as you'd think."
"Oh?"
"Come on, are you serious? Like I was gonna talk to them about you. I mean, with the bullying and then the -"
"The what?"
"I just didn't talk about you. For obvious reasons."
"Those being…?"
"You know."
"Actually, I don't."
"Yeah, Fancy, right. No one hates you, your ass is safe, and my sis' is gonna have a fucking blast mouthing off about me."
"You're the most frustrating creature know to man, David."
"Why's that?"
"Oh, you know. So Alex, is it?"
"…huh, yeah. But you'd better call her Alexis, she hates it when I call her Alex."
"That, I imagine, is the exact reason why you do it."
"Man of habits, huh, Fancy?"
"I already like her. We'll commiserate."
"Yeah, she used to love it when she was a baby, and she still doesn't mind Em calling her that, but when it's me…"
"You have an aggravating personality. It might be that."
"Ouch."
"The truth must be freed."
"You're a pain."
"You love it. Hum, gotta go."
"What?"
"Plans must be made. Bye, David!"
"The fuck…"
"…"
"Bye, Fancy."
"…"
"Yeah, I totally do."
"…"
"…"
Author's Notes 2.0: Sooo, I'm breaking all the promises to myself here. But the next chapter is something I've been thinking of writing for a long time, so.
Chapter 9.2a - Always Up For A Laugh