plan b?
well, darlings..summer has taken some strange turns, complete with hallucinogens, approx. 1-2 hrs of sleep a night, a full time job that starts at 7:30 am EVERY day, a crazy new haircut, that one thing that wouldn't ever happen that just did, sake bomb overloads, two weeks of rain, shots of fun, a sweeping break down epidemic and toeing the "just friends" line over and over.
and a case of awful terrible lovesickness that makes me feel sick to my stomach each time i cry and is slowly teaching me that things are really really really really really unfair, that i mess up everything good for the silliest little tiny reasons, and that i am not relationship material. although i can be fun for short periods of time, i am "too hard to understand" and i overreact to everything and almost always get stuck being the one who gives too much of a shit for her own well-being, and that all of these things will probably not change anytime soon because as clayton put it so well when we broke up last year, i am "fucking selfish."
also-everyone i care about is leaving me all of a sudden-no mother, no little josh brother anymore, no one to take care of me here or in any other state because they're too busy or they are taking too many drugs or they are too in love to bother with best friends or they have found someone easier and sweeter and more comfortable.
and everyone's like this huge mess all of a sudden. sigh...
it's a shame to see all my lovelies so sad and mixed up. their distraught faces only increase the speed that i fall apart into a million little pieces. we think it's the weather. hope it's the weather. it's crazy how intensely wonderful it is to be back and with all these people that i love, and how we are all so sloshy and angry and sad at the same time.
but things change, and to decrease the melodramatic nature of this passage i would like to add that although it doesn't feel like i will ever ever ever be able to right now, one day this summer i will wake up smiling and for once it won't be too hot to move in my room and i will collect all these tiny little pieces of myself and put them back together. afterwards i will feel as satisfied as the mastermind behind a 1000 piece puzzle. and then, after a few months, the puzzle will fall apart again and again and i will fix it again and again and that's how everything goes so i figure i better get used to it.
everyone thinks i'm so tired and that i should sleep and everything will get better but it's going to take me awhile to figure out this mess i've gotten myself and my well being into. so take that and hold on to it and think of it when we meet.
love
leah hope
p.s.THIS IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I'VE EVER WRITTEN. and i apologize for its cryptic nature and melodramatic rants and teenage wasteland-esque characteristics, but i really do feel exactly how you think i do after reading it. so that's that.
and a case of awful terrible lovesickness that makes me feel sick to my stomach each time i cry and is slowly teaching me that things are really really really really really unfair, that i mess up everything good for the silliest little tiny reasons, and that i am not relationship material. although i can be fun for short periods of time, i am "too hard to understand" and i overreact to everything and almost always get stuck being the one who gives too much of a shit for her own well-being, and that all of these things will probably not change anytime soon because as clayton put it so well when we broke up last year, i am "fucking selfish."
also-everyone i care about is leaving me all of a sudden-no mother, no little josh brother anymore, no one to take care of me here or in any other state because they're too busy or they are taking too many drugs or they are too in love to bother with best friends or they have found someone easier and sweeter and more comfortable.
and everyone's like this huge mess all of a sudden. sigh...
it's a shame to see all my lovelies so sad and mixed up. their distraught faces only increase the speed that i fall apart into a million little pieces. we think it's the weather. hope it's the weather. it's crazy how intensely wonderful it is to be back and with all these people that i love, and how we are all so sloshy and angry and sad at the same time.
but things change, and to decrease the melodramatic nature of this passage i would like to add that although it doesn't feel like i will ever ever ever be able to right now, one day this summer i will wake up smiling and for once it won't be too hot to move in my room and i will collect all these tiny little pieces of myself and put them back together. afterwards i will feel as satisfied as the mastermind behind a 1000 piece puzzle. and then, after a few months, the puzzle will fall apart again and again and i will fix it again and again and that's how everything goes so i figure i better get used to it.
everyone thinks i'm so tired and that i should sleep and everything will get better but it's going to take me awhile to figure out this mess i've gotten myself and my well being into. so take that and hold on to it and think of it when we meet.
love
leah hope
p.s.THIS IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I'VE EVER WRITTEN. and i apologize for its cryptic nature and melodramatic rants and teenage wasteland-esque characteristics, but i really do feel exactly how you think i do after reading it. so that's that.