WARNING!
I reapeat WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***********************!!!!!!!!!!!! You probably don't want to read this. I'm going to sort out a thought of mine. ******DISCLAIMER!!!! I repeat, I'm going to sort out a thought of mine. It's a thought, in progress, if your opinion of me changes or begin to think I'm something I'm not, then you never really knew me to begin with
When I was growing up (as though I'm done now) I didn't have many friends, I didn't ever really go out in high school. No one liked me. My personality was not one that others enjoyed. It may have been because I didn't fit the mold of typical middle school aged kids, and high schoolers, and they were afraid to accept my quirkiness or it was just that no one liked me. As hard as it is to believe, a lot of people thought I was annoying back then. I know there are people who would still use that adjective to describe me but I have been told that I'm not as over powering as I once was. If I am now, it's in a different way. I had a teacher junior year of high school, Mr. Gibson, who said that he used to be really reserved and quiet in high school and none of his students couldn't believe it with the way he was in class every day. He said that he made the decision once he hit college to change. He didn't want to be that way anymore, he wanted to be more social and outgoing to he conformed his actions to influence his personality. I don't think I made a conscious effort to do something differently, but something happened to me. Emilee tells me that she wishes she could talk to people in the way that I do. I can come up with something to say to just about anyone at any time. I used to look at girls in high school who could do then what I can do now and hate them. I'm not saying that I'm perfect or that everyone likes me or that anyone envies me. I know that is not the case at all. But I wonder, have I become something that I hate because I could never be that. Do I have friends are resentful of the way that I am. If that's the case, are they also envious of all the issues I disguise with a front I put forth even on days that I don't want to be smiling, friendly, outgoing and talkative. I have learned that as long as I keep talking, no one is ever going to ask me what's wrong when something is eating away at my heart and mind and I can continue to keep it to myself. Is that an issue that I want, am I content keeping things to myself as much as I do, do I share enough and is it, by a psychologists standards, healthy to do what I do? Have I become everything I've always wanted to be, or am I lying to myself and have instead become everything that I hate. No matter what it is though that I've turned in to, it's me, it is genuinely 100% me and knowing that none of my thoughts, feelings or actions are fake is good enough to get me over this hump and be reassured that I am ok, no matter what I've become because I am me. I can live with that.
When I was growing up (as though I'm done now) I didn't have many friends, I didn't ever really go out in high school. No one liked me. My personality was not one that others enjoyed. It may have been because I didn't fit the mold of typical middle school aged kids, and high schoolers, and they were afraid to accept my quirkiness or it was just that no one liked me. As hard as it is to believe, a lot of people thought I was annoying back then. I know there are people who would still use that adjective to describe me but I have been told that I'm not as over powering as I once was. If I am now, it's in a different way. I had a teacher junior year of high school, Mr. Gibson, who said that he used to be really reserved and quiet in high school and none of his students couldn't believe it with the way he was in class every day. He said that he made the decision once he hit college to change. He didn't want to be that way anymore, he wanted to be more social and outgoing to he conformed his actions to influence his personality. I don't think I made a conscious effort to do something differently, but something happened to me. Emilee tells me that she wishes she could talk to people in the way that I do. I can come up with something to say to just about anyone at any time. I used to look at girls in high school who could do then what I can do now and hate them. I'm not saying that I'm perfect or that everyone likes me or that anyone envies me. I know that is not the case at all. But I wonder, have I become something that I hate because I could never be that. Do I have friends are resentful of the way that I am. If that's the case, are they also envious of all the issues I disguise with a front I put forth even on days that I don't want to be smiling, friendly, outgoing and talkative. I have learned that as long as I keep talking, no one is ever going to ask me what's wrong when something is eating away at my heart and mind and I can continue to keep it to myself. Is that an issue that I want, am I content keeping things to myself as much as I do, do I share enough and is it, by a psychologists standards, healthy to do what I do? Have I become everything I've always wanted to be, or am I lying to myself and have instead become everything that I hate. No matter what it is though that I've turned in to, it's me, it is genuinely 100% me and knowing that none of my thoughts, feelings or actions are fake is good enough to get me over this hump and be reassured that I am ok, no matter what I've become because I am me. I can live with that.