i dont know where time goes....

[leah_hearts_you]

but sometimes i chase it too much. I dont know what happens to people that they change all the time. a lot of the time its for the better.... things like Rye. i love rye, but he was in a slump for awhile. now hes fabulous and i love him even more. I cant explain the way i feel right now. I just, think i know people and then i don't. and i guess thats ok. but i just wish that it were simpler for me to get along with people. I lack the self esteem i suppose. I find myself obnoxious a lot of the time. i talk too much maybe, or am unsatisfied with my appearence. which is so dumb, because i know im not fat, and im not ugly, but im just not what anyone is looking for.... and unfortunately, sometimes, even if only for a split second, that bothers me. I dont want to be alone forever.... and maybe thats dramatic, but i don't want to be alone right now. Its wierd how my vanity crosses with my self conciousness. for example, (i dont condone vanity, however, it is a human action), i think im a good person. I think that clothes fit me well and i like the way i wear my make up and blah blah blah, then i just think that im completely undesirable, neurotic, and ugly, and thats why i like my makeup, cause it changes my face. or something.... i dont even understand being whatever it is that i am. I shouldn't complain i suppose. so many people haven't experienced the love i have, or they werent given a..... how do i say this..... a socially normal body structure. (see what i mean about the vanity?) ugh. maybe im not a good person. this is rediculous. I KNOW that im strong, i know that i can handle being on my own and doing things for myself, after all, im doing that.... but why am i so preoccupied with not being alone?

i suppose its the only thing im honestly afraid of.

ah.