(no subject)
I have to learn to have confidence in myself that other people will be happy with me and accept me for who I am.
I ate a tiny mini-donut today, it made me feel sick and i dont feel like eating anything else.
I slept 7 hours last night, better then nothing, but I wish I could catch up on my sleep. I wake up and realize that im alone and have a panic attack almost every morning, which pushes me to go outside and smoke, and then I just dont go back to sleep.
I miss him. The mornings are the worst. I hung out with someone last night, and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about him, but I always find myslef doing it. After knowing only one life for so long, its hard to come back to the life you had before that person fucked with your head. Everyone says that it sounds like he controlled me, got angry when I came back to Muskegon to see my friends, took all my money that I made and controlled that too. Even my doctor tells me that. But I still miss him.
My primary physician calls at 8:30 this morning when they open her office, and she says she has to see me immediatly. Somethings up. My appointment got made for 1pm I think. After all that happened with just the regular doctor before I moved back to town, things sound like there about to get worse, and I didnt think they could. Everyone says "well, it cant get any worse" bullshit It cant.
Went to the Vous last night...I caught 5 people staring at my wrist. I know its not pretty, but you shouldnt stare for 5 minutes if you dont even know who I am.
Some of my friends dont know how to react, and are sometimes stiff around me because they dont know what to say. All I have to say is this, I'll be ok, talking about it helps more then not talking about it, and I was in a really bad spot, a very low spot, and I have somethings to work through.
Even though they say he was controlling me, I still believe that most of this was my own doing...Exboyfriends who know me and are readin this right now are nodding there heads and saying "yep, probebly was". I havent been happy on my own for a long long time...I thought that someone else could make me happy, and im finally learning that I have to be happy with myself first. In going to be single for a while, until I find out who I am, and know what makes me happy. I wasnt enjoying life on my own, I releyed on other people.
Ive never actully dated people before, believe it or not. The first person I talked to, the social worker at the hospital, said I should just date people for a while. I never really got to know people very well because I always got into a serious relationship way to fast.
It was a neverending cycle, I would push one away, and then thinking I was rebounding, finding someone else to make me happy, and then end up with them for months and get hurt all over again. I dont want to hurt people anymore. I know deep down him and his family were most likely hurt by my actions.
I need to learn how to make the right decisions on my own, from the moment I was born things were chosen for me and I never had to worry about anything.
There starting me on meds tommorrow. I dont know how I feel about that. I did quite a bit of research, if one stupid little pill a day can help me in such a dramatic then I guess I could at least give it a chance.
I need to learn not to be afraid to ask for help...I got to the point where I absolutly had no choice and had to get it, but now I feel more comfortable with going on my own willingly. I just didnt know how...and I was so closed off to everything already that losing everything I knew made me feel like I couldnt do it anymore, like it would be easier to just give up.
Talking about it makes me not want to give up, because I finally realize that something has been wrong for a long long time, and I lost myself a long long time ago...I want to at least know who I am, and attempt to change things for the better.
I like someone, but dont know if I can act on those feelings...one because im going through a tough phase right now, hes shown a little interest in me recently, but I think my wrist freaked him out (i would be freaked out too if I were him, I totally forgot to put a bandaid on, and the gas station I stopped at didnt have any), and because ive known him for a while, and Ive always had problems telling him straight to his face how I feel. I always rely on other people. I dont want to end up relying on someone else right now...hes looking for a girlfriend, and I cant be a girlfriend to anyone for a while, I have to get my shit together first before I can even think about being in a serious relationship...i guess we'll see what happens.
On a TOTALLY different subject, Amanda Vanbogelen is a fucking bitch, and a fucking nark. Just thought I would let you all know.
This is the longest journal entry ive written in a long time. and its about time to go to the doc, so wish me lots of luck, because im really scared and alone right now
I ate a tiny mini-donut today, it made me feel sick and i dont feel like eating anything else.
I slept 7 hours last night, better then nothing, but I wish I could catch up on my sleep. I wake up and realize that im alone and have a panic attack almost every morning, which pushes me to go outside and smoke, and then I just dont go back to sleep.
I miss him. The mornings are the worst. I hung out with someone last night, and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about him, but I always find myslef doing it. After knowing only one life for so long, its hard to come back to the life you had before that person fucked with your head. Everyone says that it sounds like he controlled me, got angry when I came back to Muskegon to see my friends, took all my money that I made and controlled that too. Even my doctor tells me that. But I still miss him.
My primary physician calls at 8:30 this morning when they open her office, and she says she has to see me immediatly. Somethings up. My appointment got made for 1pm I think. After all that happened with just the regular doctor before I moved back to town, things sound like there about to get worse, and I didnt think they could. Everyone says "well, it cant get any worse" bullshit It cant.
Went to the Vous last night...I caught 5 people staring at my wrist. I know its not pretty, but you shouldnt stare for 5 minutes if you dont even know who I am.
Some of my friends dont know how to react, and are sometimes stiff around me because they dont know what to say. All I have to say is this, I'll be ok, talking about it helps more then not talking about it, and I was in a really bad spot, a very low spot, and I have somethings to work through.
Even though they say he was controlling me, I still believe that most of this was my own doing...Exboyfriends who know me and are readin this right now are nodding there heads and saying "yep, probebly was". I havent been happy on my own for a long long time...I thought that someone else could make me happy, and im finally learning that I have to be happy with myself first. In going to be single for a while, until I find out who I am, and know what makes me happy. I wasnt enjoying life on my own, I releyed on other people.
Ive never actully dated people before, believe it or not. The first person I talked to, the social worker at the hospital, said I should just date people for a while. I never really got to know people very well because I always got into a serious relationship way to fast.
It was a neverending cycle, I would push one away, and then thinking I was rebounding, finding someone else to make me happy, and then end up with them for months and get hurt all over again. I dont want to hurt people anymore. I know deep down him and his family were most likely hurt by my actions.
I need to learn how to make the right decisions on my own, from the moment I was born things were chosen for me and I never had to worry about anything.
There starting me on meds tommorrow. I dont know how I feel about that. I did quite a bit of research, if one stupid little pill a day can help me in such a dramatic then I guess I could at least give it a chance.
I need to learn not to be afraid to ask for help...I got to the point where I absolutly had no choice and had to get it, but now I feel more comfortable with going on my own willingly. I just didnt know how...and I was so closed off to everything already that losing everything I knew made me feel like I couldnt do it anymore, like it would be easier to just give up.
Talking about it makes me not want to give up, because I finally realize that something has been wrong for a long long time, and I lost myself a long long time ago...I want to at least know who I am, and attempt to change things for the better.
I like someone, but dont know if I can act on those feelings...one because im going through a tough phase right now, hes shown a little interest in me recently, but I think my wrist freaked him out (i would be freaked out too if I were him, I totally forgot to put a bandaid on, and the gas station I stopped at didnt have any), and because ive known him for a while, and Ive always had problems telling him straight to his face how I feel. I always rely on other people. I dont want to end up relying on someone else right now...hes looking for a girlfriend, and I cant be a girlfriend to anyone for a while, I have to get my shit together first before I can even think about being in a serious relationship...i guess we'll see what happens.
On a TOTALLY different subject, Amanda Vanbogelen is a fucking bitch, and a fucking nark. Just thought I would let you all know.
This is the longest journal entry ive written in a long time. and its about time to go to the doc, so wish me lots of luck, because im really scared and alone right now