Meh
So...life goes on. I've decided that while the death of a loved one (or pet....they count, too) itself is bad, the truly hard part is picking yourself up off the ground and going about the rest of your life. I mused on this when my mother died, and a little when my uncle and grandmother passed away, too. I dunno if it's sad or funny that the passing of my cat gets me to put it into words...
Your world has changed and will never be the same. Your heart feels like it's been wrung out. Then you have to get up and go back to work or school, and everyone around you is so...normal. It's annoying. Yes, they say say kind things and feel sorry for you, but the sun still insists on rising and setting at the same time (or thereabouts) and the world moves on. That's the hard part. Getting back to living without this person (or creature) with you.
Anyway. Mac went to Starbase today. They're launching their rockets and having a graduation ceremony out at the parade grounds just after noon, then they're all going swimming at the O club pool. He's doing ok. I'm keeping him occupied. He was pretty amazing yesterday, though. I picked him up about the time that T took Bru to the vet. I was about 95% sure two days ago that Bru wasn't coming home alive. I cried that night. A lot. I picked him up as I got a text from T that Bru was going to be put down. I got Mac in the car and told him. He cried, I cried...I explained to him what was going to happen at the vet, and asked if he wanted to go there or if he wanted to go home. He wanted to go to the vet. I called T to ask if the vet could wait till we got there, but he didn't answer...he texted me immediately to say he was too upset to talk. I texted my request to wait, and he OK'd it with the vet.
We hauled ass there and...well. It was just a mess. We got there after the sedative but before the last shot. Mac was doing well, but turned all ashy when the vet was going to administer the last shot. I asked if he wanted to leave - for the umpteenth time - and he finally said yes. We sat out in the waiting room crying together until we got the all clear to go back in. I asked T if he was going to take Bru up to McDavid that day, and he said yes. Mac immediately said he was going. We made arrangements to get back to the house for him to pick up the tools he required, and then we left. I can't get into the conversation Mac and I had on the way home yet...it's still too fresh. It revealed a lot about the young man that he's growing into, and I have to say that I'm extremely proud of him.
He decided that he would find a box for the burial once we got home. I asked him if he wanted me to go, and he said no. I was kind of surprised. Turns out that he'd either been talked out of going or had changed his mind...I'm not sure which. I plan to find out, though. T went up alone and took care of it, and Mac and I sat at home...just doing stuff. I read till I ran out of book, and Mac played Wii and PS2. I'm only slightly ashamed that I dosed him up with 2 Benadryl around 5 to make that night easier on him...and myself, I suppose. I know that nighttime is the hardest...there's no Wii or TV to distract you.
He was a mess the night after our dog died, and for many nights afterward. It was heartbreaking. I was very worried about this, as he and Bru were so much closer than he was with the dog. Thanks to a very emotional afternoon and the Benadryl, he slept soundly. He's a little mopey today, but I told him that going to Starbase would be for the best - there's nothing to do at home but mope around and be sad, and besides, his graduation was today! He went with a suspicious lack of protest. I think he's doing it to make ME feel better.
I dropped Mac at Starbase this morning and stopped at Barrancas National Cemetery on my way home. My dad's parents and my mom are buried there. Grandpa died when I was 3...I don't remember him much at all. I do remember going to the cemetery with my grandma and aunt. I remember making them promise they wouldn't cry so much this time. :) I haven't been in ages. In fact, the last time was probably when the PNJ photog got my picture for the front page on Memorial Day. The caption said I was "tenderly arranging flowers at my grandfather's grave" but in all reality I was jamming some baby's breath down in the vase...it kept poking out and looking stupid. I went to see if I could find the grave...and felt guilty about not going to see my mom's. Then I felt EXTRA guilty, because Grandma would be buried there with Grandpa now, and I hadn't been to see it sooner. Sigh... I wasn't sure I could find a gravestone I hadn't been to in nearly 20 years, but I managed. It was very quiet and peaceful. I felt pretty foolish once I did find it, though, because I didn't know what to do. I hadn't brought flowers or anything, so I checked out both sides of the gravestone, and then left.
So. It's been a pretty depressing couple of days. I'm ok, tho. Keeping an eye on Mac is keeping me busy. I have a feeling he's starting to keep an eye on me, too. That's a mixed bag...he's growing up so fast.
Your world has changed and will never be the same. Your heart feels like it's been wrung out. Then you have to get up and go back to work or school, and everyone around you is so...normal. It's annoying. Yes, they say say kind things and feel sorry for you, but the sun still insists on rising and setting at the same time (or thereabouts) and the world moves on. That's the hard part. Getting back to living without this person (or creature) with you.
Anyway. Mac went to Starbase today. They're launching their rockets and having a graduation ceremony out at the parade grounds just after noon, then they're all going swimming at the O club pool. He's doing ok. I'm keeping him occupied. He was pretty amazing yesterday, though. I picked him up about the time that T took Bru to the vet. I was about 95% sure two days ago that Bru wasn't coming home alive. I cried that night. A lot. I picked him up as I got a text from T that Bru was going to be put down. I got Mac in the car and told him. He cried, I cried...I explained to him what was going to happen at the vet, and asked if he wanted to go there or if he wanted to go home. He wanted to go to the vet. I called T to ask if the vet could wait till we got there, but he didn't answer...he texted me immediately to say he was too upset to talk. I texted my request to wait, and he OK'd it with the vet.
We hauled ass there and...well. It was just a mess. We got there after the sedative but before the last shot. Mac was doing well, but turned all ashy when the vet was going to administer the last shot. I asked if he wanted to leave - for the umpteenth time - and he finally said yes. We sat out in the waiting room crying together until we got the all clear to go back in. I asked T if he was going to take Bru up to McDavid that day, and he said yes. Mac immediately said he was going. We made arrangements to get back to the house for him to pick up the tools he required, and then we left. I can't get into the conversation Mac and I had on the way home yet...it's still too fresh. It revealed a lot about the young man that he's growing into, and I have to say that I'm extremely proud of him.
He decided that he would find a box for the burial once we got home. I asked him if he wanted me to go, and he said no. I was kind of surprised. Turns out that he'd either been talked out of going or had changed his mind...I'm not sure which. I plan to find out, though. T went up alone and took care of it, and Mac and I sat at home...just doing stuff. I read till I ran out of book, and Mac played Wii and PS2. I'm only slightly ashamed that I dosed him up with 2 Benadryl around 5 to make that night easier on him...and myself, I suppose. I know that nighttime is the hardest...there's no Wii or TV to distract you.
He was a mess the night after our dog died, and for many nights afterward. It was heartbreaking. I was very worried about this, as he and Bru were so much closer than he was with the dog. Thanks to a very emotional afternoon and the Benadryl, he slept soundly. He's a little mopey today, but I told him that going to Starbase would be for the best - there's nothing to do at home but mope around and be sad, and besides, his graduation was today! He went with a suspicious lack of protest. I think he's doing it to make ME feel better.
I dropped Mac at Starbase this morning and stopped at Barrancas National Cemetery on my way home. My dad's parents and my mom are buried there. Grandpa died when I was 3...I don't remember him much at all. I do remember going to the cemetery with my grandma and aunt. I remember making them promise they wouldn't cry so much this time. :) I haven't been in ages. In fact, the last time was probably when the PNJ photog got my picture for the front page on Memorial Day. The caption said I was "tenderly arranging flowers at my grandfather's grave" but in all reality I was jamming some baby's breath down in the vase...it kept poking out and looking stupid. I went to see if I could find the grave...and felt guilty about not going to see my mom's. Then I felt EXTRA guilty, because Grandma would be buried there with Grandpa now, and I hadn't been to see it sooner. Sigh... I wasn't sure I could find a gravestone I hadn't been to in nearly 20 years, but I managed. It was very quiet and peaceful. I felt pretty foolish once I did find it, though, because I didn't know what to do. I hadn't brought flowers or anything, so I checked out both sides of the gravestone, and then left.
So. It's been a pretty depressing couple of days. I'm ok, tho. Keeping an eye on Mac is keeping me busy. I have a feeling he's starting to keep an eye on me, too. That's a mixed bag...he's growing up so fast.