(no subject)
Here's a self-pitying/self-bashing rant i hope no one wastes their time reading.
I am terrible at everything.
I am terrible at being in a relationship.
I am terrible at life.
I can't hold a job. I can't keep friends. I can't keep my family. I can't even perform basic life functions like eating and sleeping.
Zach's supposed to come over so we can talk. So I can tell him I need a break. So I can make him cry. So I can feel absolutely numb, absolutely nothing, and feel like a horrible bitch because there is no emotion in my voice when I tell him I love him. And I don't even want him to come here because I feel so fucking horrible. I don't want him to see me like this. I feel disgusting.
I'm trying to start a business. I'm trying to make some money from home because I'm too fucking fucked up to work anywhere. Because no one wants a crazy person taking care of their kids. Because I'll be on my way to work and suddenly I'm somewhere totally different and all the cars are coming at me and the horns are so loud I have to pull the fuck over and call someone to pick me up, and instead of calling in sick I take a shitload of pills until I'm unconcious because I don't want to be awake (alive) anymore.
It's hard to keep going out with my friends, because I don't want them to see me crying. And I can't help it. But I feel horrible when they call to make plans and I can only come up with some horrible excuse.
I'm running out of money...this almost worked. I don't even know what went wrong. All I've got is a bathroom that smells like chemicals and burnt fingertips and ink splattered on the walls.
So I take more pills.
I am terrible at everything.
I am terrible at being in a relationship.
I am terrible at life.
I can't hold a job. I can't keep friends. I can't keep my family. I can't even perform basic life functions like eating and sleeping.
Zach's supposed to come over so we can talk. So I can tell him I need a break. So I can make him cry. So I can feel absolutely numb, absolutely nothing, and feel like a horrible bitch because there is no emotion in my voice when I tell him I love him. And I don't even want him to come here because I feel so fucking horrible. I don't want him to see me like this. I feel disgusting.
I'm trying to start a business. I'm trying to make some money from home because I'm too fucking fucked up to work anywhere. Because no one wants a crazy person taking care of their kids. Because I'll be on my way to work and suddenly I'm somewhere totally different and all the cars are coming at me and the horns are so loud I have to pull the fuck over and call someone to pick me up, and instead of calling in sick I take a shitload of pills until I'm unconcious because I don't want to be awake (alive) anymore.
It's hard to keep going out with my friends, because I don't want them to see me crying. And I can't help it. But I feel horrible when they call to make plans and I can only come up with some horrible excuse.
I'm running out of money...this almost worked. I don't even know what went wrong. All I've got is a bathroom that smells like chemicals and burnt fingertips and ink splattered on the walls.
So I take more pills.