loneliness
The subject says it all. I am very lonely and unsure of everything, most of all myself. I look back to recent memory and find a warm body in my bed, who in the good moments would look at me with a smile and her warm embrace would follow, in those good times. Though my mind wandered back then and does to this moment for the experience of another lover, to know what life can hold rather than holding onto my mother's ankle. Brave words however and contradictory to so many established parts of my character. I miss meghan, or if I dont miss her, I miss what we had that was good. There is no going back, even if in moments of fear and dread this idea comes to mind. Just long enough to drive the pain back home of how alone I am, how long I tried to have a one time only soul mate. Now it feels like it may have actually been this had I agreed. Agreed to things which obviously caused me endless stress and duress. There was no kinder option, either it seemed ends in unhappiness, but at least in the scenario I have chosen there is the possibility of a happier future, or a lonely one derived from an opportunity I squandered and chose not to invest enough in to make it work. All problems aside, regardless of who was right or wrong. I am so very scared and lonely right now, and there is nobody in the dark to hold me, to keep the phantoms away that come in these early morning hours to show me images of death and loss. Of good things that will never comes again and to memories that I know will slip further and further into the past but I cannot yet accept are lost to a past chapter of my life.
I want to scream and cry, reach out for a hand that is not there to hold mine. This is a lesson I never wanted to learn and now nearly a decade beyond the usual time in ones life where one comes to understand the growing process associated with losing a partner, I find myself crippled again and utterly intimidated by my responsibility and choices. I do not trust anyone, and my disdain toward myself projects outward to everyone, even people who might share a warmth with me that I so crave.
I want to scream and cry, reach out for a hand that is not there to hold mine. This is a lesson I never wanted to learn and now nearly a decade beyond the usual time in ones life where one comes to understand the growing process associated with losing a partner, I find myself crippled again and utterly intimidated by my responsibility and choices. I do not trust anyone, and my disdain toward myself projects outward to everyone, even people who might share a warmth with me that I so crave.