Tonight on a very special epsiode of Blossom.
I would like to begin by saying that I dont recognise anyone in this episode of home and away. Also the most exciting thing in my day is the news that Paul McCartney and Heather whats her name have separated, I was thrilled in fact, being a long time Paul and Linda romanticist, I feel this is a victory for lovelorn sad sacks every where. I should also add a disclaimer that Im drunk, and not the happy exciting drunk, its the sad, pathetic and unemployed kind of drunk. Now that the disclaimer is out there I would also like to mention that every time I have to see the Ad for this weeks "Big Brother: Friday Night Live" it brings me one inch closer to nutella induced suicide. Oh and every time I see an ad for the Da Vinci Code, or some pathetic Da Vinci Code related promotion ("The Nova Code" etc) I feel rejuvenated, knowing that unlike so many fools out there I didnt waste a small portion of my life reading that crap and no its not because Im an ex- altar girl and the whole idea offends me, its just the opposite I love the idea that jesus had the potential balls to fuck a tainted woman, shows he was a feminist after all.
Sidenote- the only thing that has propelled me out of my chair today with such force is the fact that Las Vegas just started, so I walk over to where the remote is and change it whimsically to channel 10 unaware of what pleasure awaits me, stupidly I leave he remote in its far away place, return to my seat place my lap top on my legs only to find its the beginning of Smallville...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Im being punished for writing about jesus in a sexual light, not lite.
So I've been unemployed for 8 days, and I've applied for about 8 jobs since then, without my computer, using this crap laptop which has been torture. I havent heard back from anyone yet which is making me feel distressed, I worry that I will be stuck going back to some crap kitchen work, or deli work. I promised myself my life of spitting chickens, cutting cheese, and slicing polony was over, but if I get desperate I will have to return to it for a while, just to pay the rent and keep my cat obese.
I have applied for jobs as a pharmacy assistant at about 5 different places, one child care position, and sex shop position, guess which one I probably will hear back from. In a more positive career move I have been shortlisted to be trained by some Curtain University department to be a alcohol and drug counselor. I have my interview on Saturday, Im a bit nervous but Im just going to remember that if I get it great, it will be some good experience for me, if I dont get it, I really hate people with addictions and wont need to be around them, instead I can spend more time at home being stalked by my obese cat.
You know I have discovered two important lessons from being unemployed, firstly daytime television isnt all its cracked up to be, as the final days of my Kitchen hand torture drew closer I dreamed up waking up late, staying in my pj's all snuggly in my big chair eating coco pops watching paradise unfold on my screen, instead it leaves me feeling what I can only describe as impotent, floppy if you will. My daily viewing schedule is as follows.
Since my cat wont let me sleep in past 7:30 I begin with,
7:30- Half of Sunrise (I sit back and marvel at the neanderthal shining head of Kosh man.
9-11am- 9am with David and Kim, I sit back and marvel at how sleazy this David man comes across, but how comfortable I feel watching him contemplating how impossible my life seems without a V- Slicer of my own.
11am- is usually when I take my tv break, go to the kitchen make a late breakfast, contemplate going out but not spending any money, take a few trips to the toilet just to waste some time. Sit near the phone and thing of who in the world I could call about how great the separation of Mr and Mrs McCartney is.
12-1pm I watch The Ellen Show and am usually amused, although I start to get antsy around the 12:40pm mark and might ease the pain with a little Heaven chocolate truffle.
1pm-2pm- I watch Oprah only to have Ricky Martin make me feel guilty about the plight of little cambodian girls sold into sex trafficking, why cant Angelina Jolie just adopt them all and put them to work starring in kiddy musical theater or something. I should work for the UN.
2pm-3pm is when I hit the real trough of the afternoon as I struggle to get through the anxiety inducing Ready, Steady Cook. I feel so lonesome I could die, as Elvis would say. I just refuse to believe they only have 20 minutes, they are lying to me!
3pm- onwards I usually out of desperation put in my latest DVD boxset up for viewing, this week it is House a show I never watched on tv but when it dropped in price from 80 to 32 dollars Andy and I purchased it and now I sit here in the late afternoon thinking you know I really should have gone to medical school, and how can Jesse Spencer's hair be so floppy and shiny. I only have two episodes to go and Im scared, what will fill my afternoon when this House run is all over? What!
The second thing I discovered is that its lonely being unemployed when you dont have many friends and half your family alienated, and you cant even use MSN. Sometimes I find myself hankering for a a telemarketer just for someone to talk to. I messaged 5 people my new mobile number and not a single one messaged back. Bastards.
Oh god the Friday night live ad just came on again, I had to witness that blonde scank pump that inflatable air guitar like it was someone she picked up in a dark alley to put food on her snotty kids table.
Anyway I will update on how this interview goes, even if it is awful. Oh and I should mention I might be moving in with my boyfriend over to the other less white trash side of the river, I will miss all my toothless friends North of the River but I have been given a life line to a life full of getting drunk and resentful while drinking red wine and hiding the fact that I make ends meat selling vibrators to my dried up neighbours.
God Bless.