Isn't that the way it goes?
I've taken every step possible to maintain an unsteady balance on the fence between endless depression and giggly denial. I've spoken with Taylor and my dear Brandon, and with them discussed every tiny circumstance of today. And most importantly, I've reviewed the conversation over and over again in my mind.
There is simply nothing left. There isn't now; there never was; there never will be.
Any giddiness, as I can still feel, dying in the depths of my abdomen, is not appropriate for the situation at hand. I have initial bouts of fascination, which, combined with a likewise intense surprise that continues my inability to comprehend. I know what has happened, and yet, my mind has not fully understood the effect of today on the rest of my life. But this causes unhappiness, as I recognize that such behaviour is only temporary.
I also realize, however that I have no other reason for any form of depression besides the obvious side-effect of loneliness. This is not my first experience with such an emotion, and I thus can only lie in wait for the ghost of times past to surprise me, unpleasantly, as I move on with my life. I agree with everything that occurred today, without regrets for what I, or anyone else, for that matter, has said or done. Still, I cannot control for whom I have feelings, and I accept that my heart will not so easily release its firm grasp.
An option still exists, off on another fence completely, and that is anger. I feel that I could, of course, become angry with my fate, or with his, but to what avail? My displeasure can only be taken up with God. But even God, being as theoretical and unhelpful as I have come to understand him, is incapable of justifying his ways. Therefore, I would be left only with a further unsatisfying puzzlement as to the ways of the world, which cannot be solved by any human, or diety, or even time.
So people are confusion; love is confusion; God is confusion; sexuality is confusion. And confusion is life.
Ah well. Things could be worse. I could be lost in a world without comforting music, and would never understand that the Darren Hayes-es of the world, communicating their similar thoughts through music, exist out there, somewhere. ^-^
&afinalthought:
Before today I had never realized the extent of my hobbies and habits I put on hold following January 15th. Furthermore, I am off to listen to the music I adore and sleep the hours I enjoy and watch the profound, meaningful movies I desire to view.
No one said I couldn't be busy and content, did they?