I am so weird.
It's amazing to go back through the archives of my LiveJournal to see what I was thinking and how I processed information. I started at the beginning which was in March 2005. The entries up to April 20 2005 are very surface level and the writing lacks a lot of substance. Then on April 20th, I wrote an article which I could have easily written today. Now that I'm looking forward to my new apartment in June, I know that I'm also looking at a future (whether immediate or long term, doesn't matter) of being alone. I like my space, but just as I felt 4 years ago almost to the very day, I also like being around people that make me feel "warm and cozy."
This is what I wrote 4 years ago:
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Warm places
so, I finished helping with a concert tonight and then went and practiced. I was decently exhausted. All I could think about was that I want to go home, but then my brain started thinking and I started thinking to myself that I want to go home to a place that gives me that warm cozy feeling inside. Then I tried to define that feeling and well, it's like feeling safe because I can be myself, and I get that when I hang out with some of my friends but I don't have it anywhere else. It made me really sad because it made me realize that the reason I've always wanted to live alone is because I don't see it as a reality that I will have that person there who will be that warm fuzzy. I just want to love and be loved sometimes and it's like it's so close but yet so far away and therefore more than frustrating. I have a bad habit of playing hard to get when I think I'm getting to close to anybody whether a friend or crush and this is bothering me so bad. I want to completely let my guard down, but I feel foolish if I do that because I don't know if those feelings of friendship and/or love are mutual. How can you figure something like that out? I mean, what if that person or persons are just being friendly just to be nice and not to hurt your feelings. Or even worse, what if they feel they owe you something when all you want to do is hang out and get to know them. bleh..
I don't get this whole guy/girl thing. I never have. Several times I've just been like, I quit, but then it always comes back. If only I could be happy and have that warm comfy feeling just being by myself and on my own. Interpersonal relationships would be so much easier, but then there is this dynamic about 2 or more people where you can enjoy each other's company and there's something else about it because I think it's necessary for survival. I think that's why I keep coming back wanting to find a soul mate and friend because I don't think I will flourish alone. of course, that's selfish but i guess it would be true of the other person as well.
Strictly speaking friendships, I've realized that I think my good friendships are ruined by my selfishness. Like one really good friend that I have known for years and years and I love dearly. We never talk anymore and I sometimes see her around town, but I think we fell apart because I wasn't willing to shut up and be a friend in return. that pisses me off so bad because she is so great and I love her so much but of course I was a total jack ass. I'm scared that the same thing is going to happen with some of my new friends at school. I usually try to make a conscious effort to shut up on occasion and listen but it's obviously not the first thing on my mind.
I just want to be with people who give me that warm cozy feeling inside. You know what I mean?
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This is what I wrote 4 years ago:
*******************************************************
Warm places
so, I finished helping with a concert tonight and then went and practiced. I was decently exhausted. All I could think about was that I want to go home, but then my brain started thinking and I started thinking to myself that I want to go home to a place that gives me that warm cozy feeling inside. Then I tried to define that feeling and well, it's like feeling safe because I can be myself, and I get that when I hang out with some of my friends but I don't have it anywhere else. It made me really sad because it made me realize that the reason I've always wanted to live alone is because I don't see it as a reality that I will have that person there who will be that warm fuzzy. I just want to love and be loved sometimes and it's like it's so close but yet so far away and therefore more than frustrating. I have a bad habit of playing hard to get when I think I'm getting to close to anybody whether a friend or crush and this is bothering me so bad. I want to completely let my guard down, but I feel foolish if I do that because I don't know if those feelings of friendship and/or love are mutual. How can you figure something like that out? I mean, what if that person or persons are just being friendly just to be nice and not to hurt your feelings. Or even worse, what if they feel they owe you something when all you want to do is hang out and get to know them. bleh..
I don't get this whole guy/girl thing. I never have. Several times I've just been like, I quit, but then it always comes back. If only I could be happy and have that warm comfy feeling just being by myself and on my own. Interpersonal relationships would be so much easier, but then there is this dynamic about 2 or more people where you can enjoy each other's company and there's something else about it because I think it's necessary for survival. I think that's why I keep coming back wanting to find a soul mate and friend because I don't think I will flourish alone. of course, that's selfish but i guess it would be true of the other person as well.
Strictly speaking friendships, I've realized that I think my good friendships are ruined by my selfishness. Like one really good friend that I have known for years and years and I love dearly. We never talk anymore and I sometimes see her around town, but I think we fell apart because I wasn't willing to shut up and be a friend in return. that pisses me off so bad because she is so great and I love her so much but of course I was a total jack ass. I'm scared that the same thing is going to happen with some of my new friends at school. I usually try to make a conscious effort to shut up on occasion and listen but it's obviously not the first thing on my mind.
I just want to be with people who give me that warm cozy feeling inside. You know what I mean?
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