ASSume the POSition bITCHes!
sCars build Character.
yeh, so addictions ruin relationships (w/ friends, lovers, family, etc)
I guess you could say i kinda have/had an addiction... not for substance abuse, but far crazier. It's hard to explain w/o being too explicit and there's no other way of saying it but bluntly, so I won't. It seems whenever i hear ppl say it on tv i think they are just asking for attention, but i realize admittance is what sets you free... it came to me as a shock when a friend shared so nonchalantly, i was like whoa i cant believe she would say it... but thats what mkes her stronger that she can say it like its been done and its in the past...
i was reading some of the previous entries and i wrote " my past is haunting me, my present is confusing me, and my future is awaiting much apprehension" damn does that come into handy ( and not to mention i was reading some of my private entries and DAMN, no wonder they are private..)
so i realized what my prob is.. [only if you ask nicely ;-) ]
It seems that/(those) kid(s) caused a lot more damage than i thought. I tried to brush it off like its nothing but i guess not even that works.. pretending like nothing ever happend. It gets back to you harsher than you realize it and it def hit me hard now.. esp when i have more at stake than ever before.... this sounds pretty gay but yeh "Im not a girl, not yet a woman" ( damn i feel really queered up) Ive been really selfish lately i guess you could say while trying to solve this fucked up algebraic equation. and i realized how muhc of an ass ive been to my best friend this past yr, i couldnt see why at first, but then i saw another relationship similar but ours in smaller scale. You know what it is; No matter how much thre truth hurts, no one wants to hear that their way of life, everything that makes them keep their head just above the water is a flaw.. no one wants to admit their flaw and therefore are blinded and dont want to admit or see that its hurting others... kinda like i needed my escape and would never admit that she was left in a shithole that i dug out myself. like i couldnt see how it worked and subconsciously i wouldnt let myself... and i knew even if i murdered my own family she would still be there for me and never accept the fact that i did and she would still always love me and care.... thats why i took for granted her words cuz it didnt matter, i knew i would never lose her... but maybe i was wrong. def caught me completely off guard. In the long run im saving my own damn ass.
Ya know, i dont really think about nikolai much but sometimes when i look back and see how fucked up things were.. it was so beautiful in the end. i hate to say it, but it was the first time i cried cuz i was happy.. it was just so ugly that it was beautiful. but i realized why it was so fucked up, he never gave me that advantage i was looking for, the one i never had the first time around.. it was a never-ending struggle for control sprinkled w/ complacency. I guess since then ive been searching in all the wrong places for all the wrong answers. I placed importance on the last thing i needed to concentrate on in my life. But i have met a few guys that are very intelligent and amazing ppl. However, its the summer and everyone will leave in a few so im expecting nothing of it and just enjoying the moments as they come.
On a lgihter note...
So I tried to get in touch with Mark earlier this year to see how things are going with him... (since even after our break up we remained best friends) and one day he randomly called me from the airport. he was only back for 14 days.. he had left the country w/o telling any ofhis friends, and not even me. He went alone, w/o speaking a owrd of punjabi and w/o his family.. i guess it was an escape, he stayed longer than expected (3months) and came back a reknown man... SUPER clean for sure, it was a shocker... and has gone back for medical school for the next 4 yrs (south asia does not require undergrad degree for admittance to grad programs) so he's basically saving 4 yrs of his life and then he's comming back w/ one month visits each summer.... he's asked me to marry him when he comes back... lol my parents kinda knew it would be this way all along... us together again.. and undoubtedly i know we'll be together in the end... caaraazzyy
It's funny how life plays itself out, those lil surprises are def worth it..
NOT to mention... these past few weeks ive been feeling beyond creative and artistic.. and i dunno what my inspiration is.. maybe someone perhaps???
who knows, but my heads been streaming w/ crazy ideas... .. i love it!
ok so now its time for me to write a private entry.//.. i ve been sucH an LJ WHORE!!!! <---- ME
with blessed bengal wishes
AdIbA
^ its symmetrical biatch
yeh, so addictions ruin relationships (w/ friends, lovers, family, etc)
I guess you could say i kinda have/had an addiction... not for substance abuse, but far crazier. It's hard to explain w/o being too explicit and there's no other way of saying it but bluntly, so I won't. It seems whenever i hear ppl say it on tv i think they are just asking for attention, but i realize admittance is what sets you free... it came to me as a shock when a friend shared so nonchalantly, i was like whoa i cant believe she would say it... but thats what mkes her stronger that she can say it like its been done and its in the past...
i was reading some of the previous entries and i wrote " my past is haunting me, my present is confusing me, and my future is awaiting much apprehension" damn does that come into handy ( and not to mention i was reading some of my private entries and DAMN, no wonder they are private..)
so i realized what my prob is.. [only if you ask nicely ;-) ]
It seems that/(those) kid(s) caused a lot more damage than i thought. I tried to brush it off like its nothing but i guess not even that works.. pretending like nothing ever happend. It gets back to you harsher than you realize it and it def hit me hard now.. esp when i have more at stake than ever before.... this sounds pretty gay but yeh "Im not a girl, not yet a woman" ( damn i feel really queered up) Ive been really selfish lately i guess you could say while trying to solve this fucked up algebraic equation. and i realized how muhc of an ass ive been to my best friend this past yr, i couldnt see why at first, but then i saw another relationship similar but ours in smaller scale. You know what it is; No matter how much thre truth hurts, no one wants to hear that their way of life, everything that makes them keep their head just above the water is a flaw.. no one wants to admit their flaw and therefore are blinded and dont want to admit or see that its hurting others... kinda like i needed my escape and would never admit that she was left in a shithole that i dug out myself. like i couldnt see how it worked and subconsciously i wouldnt let myself... and i knew even if i murdered my own family she would still be there for me and never accept the fact that i did and she would still always love me and care.... thats why i took for granted her words cuz it didnt matter, i knew i would never lose her... but maybe i was wrong. def caught me completely off guard. In the long run im saving my own damn ass.
Ya know, i dont really think about nikolai much but sometimes when i look back and see how fucked up things were.. it was so beautiful in the end. i hate to say it, but it was the first time i cried cuz i was happy.. it was just so ugly that it was beautiful. but i realized why it was so fucked up, he never gave me that advantage i was looking for, the one i never had the first time around.. it was a never-ending struggle for control sprinkled w/ complacency. I guess since then ive been searching in all the wrong places for all the wrong answers. I placed importance on the last thing i needed to concentrate on in my life. But i have met a few guys that are very intelligent and amazing ppl. However, its the summer and everyone will leave in a few so im expecting nothing of it and just enjoying the moments as they come.
On a lgihter note...
So I tried to get in touch with Mark earlier this year to see how things are going with him... (since even after our break up we remained best friends) and one day he randomly called me from the airport. he was only back for 14 days.. he had left the country w/o telling any ofhis friends, and not even me. He went alone, w/o speaking a owrd of punjabi and w/o his family.. i guess it was an escape, he stayed longer than expected (3months) and came back a reknown man... SUPER clean for sure, it was a shocker... and has gone back for medical school for the next 4 yrs (south asia does not require undergrad degree for admittance to grad programs) so he's basically saving 4 yrs of his life and then he's comming back w/ one month visits each summer.... he's asked me to marry him when he comes back... lol my parents kinda knew it would be this way all along... us together again.. and undoubtedly i know we'll be together in the end... caaraazzyy
It's funny how life plays itself out, those lil surprises are def worth it..
NOT to mention... these past few weeks ive been feeling beyond creative and artistic.. and i dunno what my inspiration is.. maybe someone perhaps???
who knows, but my heads been streaming w/ crazy ideas... .. i love it!
ok so now its time for me to write a private entry.//.. i ve been sucH an LJ WHORE!!!! <---- ME
with blessed bengal wishes
AdIbA
^ its symmetrical biatch