Would I have no regrets but feel discontented? Or the other way round.
Not a day goes by without having to constantly question myself about accepting the offer. There are so many doubts I have over my true motivation, my passion, my life span of interests, the likelihood of my needs and wants in the future, and the list goes on.
I hate that going to Art school automatically assumes that person must feel really passionate towards it and thus, this so-called belief, or expectation becomes the "mould of an ideal art student" that potential students like me should fit into.
Of course that belief stemmed from centuries of hard work and futile agony that artists have to go through. Heard of starving artists? No social life? Long hours and low wage? And the thing that should keep them all kicking and surviving at the end is an intangible and unpredictable factor that I am not even sure in 10 to 20 years time, would continue to flow with indefinite amounts - Passion.
What irony it is when students can be excused for not putting 100% of their heart into business/finance/economics fancy degrees as they are simply going in it for the money. That mindset is far socially accepted than anything else.
Whereas if you choose Art, woah. The tables are completely turned and straightaway if you don't fit into that perfect little endearing mould of an artist, you're frowned upon, you'll burn out and be miserable.
Just because someone writes fanfiction, doesn't mean they go out chasing for a creative writing degree. Just because someone plays piano and becomes famous on youtube doesn't mean they want to go pursuing a music degree. And me? Just because I do (occasionally) graphics, photography relating to my INTERESTS in TV/Film and not purely for ART itself, (well, except photography. But what can photography EARN?!) shouldn't qualify me to go "chasing after my dream".
I wish I could be like some people who would without a moment's hesitation, click 'accept' and not think about other negative things because they are too goddamn passionate to care.
But I'm NOT. My passion doesn't even lie in Art. It lies in my TV obsessions and Art happened to be a good substitute that came along and helped me express and share the love with others.
Give me a huge blank canvas anyday and I will still be intimidated to draw/paint anything on it. It will be like 12 years old again, dreading that thought of struggling to come up with anything that could match the person sitting next to me.
If the letter never came, I would have easily accepted my fate to go for a private business degree, thinking it is the right thing to do because of what I've previously studied and worked for. It would be the RIGHT thing to choose because it would have made sense.
Now that I'm being given a choice to step into something entirely new and unfamiliar which has such a steep learning curve and then come out to the world to live the "starving, underpaid and overworked artist" life. It just seems such a poor incentive to enter that line anymore. Even if it meant going to a good university and inflating my family's ego.
yeah. so.
and all the prep talk - You CAN DO IT! You are AWSM! You will excel, I believe in you - talk. They are very nice, thank you. But let's face it - How could you say the opposite to a friend you care about? They are just one of the things you're supposed to say to your friends because it is encouraging and it is kind. But they are not the god honest constructive truth.
I don't know why I beat myself up so hard either. It is not as if I want to hear the grey and dreary side as to every decision I make. It is also not easy for me to easily accept emotional prep talk because they don't last long for me. I'm a skeptic, I'm a cynic. I am demanding and I am difficult. I want truths on every side of the coin. Both bad and good. On top of that, I have obsessive notions over those absurdities. I'm never contented with my achievements, neither am I on top a hill, declaring I will achieve great things. No. I am the worst kind of person to be with myself.
Please don't be obligated to drop a comment. You really don't, I wouldn't know what to say either. Just needed to rant.