(no subject)
when i wrote that entry i was really pissed off.
this entry is not to say sorry and to rekindle what i fucked up,
i dont want that.
i want you to know why i cant be around that stuff.
exhibit a: if you didnt understand an entry i posted awhile ago [the story i wrote], than i'll explain. My dad is an alcoholic. I never knew till I was 13 years old, when he went back out and left us for like a week. and would do so for months. He goes to AA, but never seems to get better, and around 3 months of him being sober, he'll go out- take all our money and my mom and i will be left with nothing. not only does he drink, he is addicted to crack and cocaine. last month my dad decided to go out drinking and also decided to take my car along with him. Only to return home with no car. He had sold it to get more money, most likely because he spent all he stole from us. We finally got my car back, along with a new hoodie and some shitty rap cds. but almost every cd i had was gone. they left about... 5 of them. thats not the only i have had turn up missing from my dad. He's stolen my tv and my dvd player, a camera, and a laptop. so as you can imagine- i have enough alcohol and drug abuse in my life already and i dont neccassarily need anymore in it. I have enough to worry about at home. like my mom and when our house is going to be taken away, or when the power is going to shut off next. Im tired of dealing with all this shit, but as far as i know- it's not going away anytime soon and it wont do any good for me to go out and get drunk will it? Then who would help my mom? no one. so obviously, i have a lot more obligations at home that a lot of you realize. so im sorry if you think it's just good time- but to me it's a lot more than that.
exhibit b: I have had my fair share of doing stupid shit in my life as well. A lot stupider than most of you know, but im not going to go into detail because quiet frankly, it's none of your business. After getting caught multiple times i decided it was time to grow up and actually do something with my life. I broke ties with everyone i knew who brought me down, everyone who got me into the shit i didnt want to do anymore. I quit hanging out with them, i stopped going to school to get my shit straight, and i quit going to parties. Eventually i got a lot better and i made some friends. During the time i was being stupid as fuck, i went to a party [1 out of the 4 parties i've been too] and got raped. and as horrible as it may sound- sometimes you have to have nasty shit happen to you to realize what you're doing. and it did.
exhibit c: I care about people way too much. I'm not mad because you guys are out drinking, being whores, doing drugs. im mad because you say you know what you're doing, but ultimately- you dont. Do you honestly think my dad thought when he was younger drinking that he would grow up to be like that? uh... doubt it. He just thought he was a kid having a good time. but it doesnt always end up like that. people make mistakes. I have lost way too many people because of alcohol and about 2 years ago, i lost a very good friend of mine because he decided to get drunk and drive. and sure- you wont do that. you know better. But half the shit you guys do- you dont even remember in the morning! so how do you expect to be able to make that decision? sorry, but you wont. When you are drunk, you arent like.. oh, this is a good decision, i'll give someone my keys so i dont drive. or- I wont make out with her because i have a girlfriend. Not only are you endangering your life- but people around you. and personally, I dont want to be killed because of some pathetic decision you decided to make. I hate the fact that i have friends getting drunk and doing drugs and i cant do anything about it. I want to help you. but you think it's no big deal. it's just for fun. so it's your choice. but i've spent a lot of my life getting my shit straight, staying away from the shit that will get me in trouble and im not about to throw it all away. I dont want to hide my problems by getting drunk/high. I'd rather face mine and figure it out because i dont want to live like that. Its not my decision to decide how you will live- that's yours. but i can decide how i want to live and who i want to associate with and who i think will better my life. and im sorry if i dont think you are one of them. I cant spend all my time worrying about whether or not you are goign to die of alcohol poisoning or get into a car accident and kill yourself or someone else. It does happen. I've seen it. I cant do this to myself. I've done it before and i nearly has a mental breakdown because i was so scared for people and i thought i had to be the person to protect them. but i cant. not anymore. im sorry.