i suck
yeah, haven't been here for a while, which tends to be my style. yeah, style...heh, i haven't been to school since tuesday, yess..today went to the bowling alley when i should have been there for gym to see the class, it was good times. that is all
so, for the past...*looks at watch month to month and a half i've been even more depressed than i usually am, which is strange, cuz i usually just kinda lull around just below normal, but recently i can't even help it i just feel so useless and immediatey start to doubt myself, and it never turns out good. the other day i just snapped and had to leave so i just walked all over the place all night, i dont even know why, it was almost an instinct to try and think. The things i did to hide my depression before, aka drugs, drinking, smoking, none of that works any more, i just fall into a mood again as soon as get drunk or whatever. So i've pretty much decided to quit everything, havent smoked pot in like 3 weeks, i drank last night, but i think im done with that for a while, and i havent smoked a cigarette in like 4 days. yay for me i guess.
but with this new found sobriety, i dont know i find myself thinking that hell no im not doing this for myself, i am doing it for someone else. and if anyone here talks to me with any regularity you know this is party true. it's soo hard trying to go out of your social area i guess, cuz like, this girl who i kinda like is all fuckin straight edge and smart, and im all dumb and...me, so its really really hard, it fucking sucks, cuz all i think about around her is how she'd totally reject me if i even tried anything, so then it makes things worse.
i'm just lonely
honestly, i've never been worse. this isnt cool at all...not the slightest bit. Me n brian were talking today on a cliff after some bouldering, and like, through all of our discussion i noticed a few key things:
1: i need a change, not only in scenery, but activities, going out and partying is fun and all, however, i find myself, i dont know, disinclined to do so every single night
2: brian is god...no really, seeing as how we both have the same things wrong with us, but we're different in our own depressed ways, we balance out so like when im really down he's really up and it works well, that is good, cuz that kid cheers me up a lot
3: i need self confidence; anyone got ne extra? cuz i think with a little bit of that my life would be a whole lot easier.
ok, that really sums that up i guess
i dont feel like leaving yet though, haven't been sleeping much lately, i've also been really sick, but its all mental, cuz as soon as i start getting a little bit happy i feel fine.
we went to her softball game on thursday, i think everyone there thought we were on drugs. we were not.
why can't it be easier to tell her things? not even tell, more like discuss, or talk to her or something, its just so hard cuz most of her friends hate me cuz of who im friends with, fucking hate it
this shit is really long, so whoever reads this far down...you get a gold star
i miss kathren
haven't seen nor heard from her since she got her new boyfriend, but sounds like that is going well, so i wish her all the best at prom and beyond.
sorry dear, i will not be attending, but call me, we should do lunch.
I really don't want to go to germany, i just want to relax and not have to worry about travelling, plus i get really bad anxiety while flying in commercial planes
so i was standing on top of a 150 foot cliff today, and i literally tried to get myself to just jump. i couldn't do it. no matter how much i thought of all the bad things, all the times ive overloaded in the past week alone, seen so many happy people, and thinking about what i want. but i just couldnt jump. maybe i was scared of the pain, but i think its more. i want to know what happens. sure im really depressed now, and have been for years, but who knows what's comming next? i dont know, i guess its me trying to be hopeful, and i know i always make the worst out of every situation, and i never EVER get what i want, but what if i do? what if something happens that i dont want to miss? i just couldnt jump. its not just because of the girl, either. she just represents something that i want that i cant get-my levity, normal thinking, shes like totally normal, thats what i want...not just with girls, but with life. for once i want things to be normal and happy. i havent been truly happy in so long, and i cant take it anymore.
im still lonely though
sigh
gretchen called me the other night, to check on me, she said she cares, that means a lot to me. i guess she cares enough to call to make sure im alright cuz she knows most of the situation, thats awesome.
it's 3:15, do you know where your children are? i'm going to walk to BP and get some coffee.
tomorrow is saturday, i have nothing to do. god damn, anyone actually reads this thing and wants to talk or hang out, gimme a call, or don't if you dont want to, thats okay too as long as you're happy.
somehow writing this has made me feel worse. i don't want to feel like this anymore, why does it keep comming back?? god damn!
so, for the past...*looks at watch month to month and a half i've been even more depressed than i usually am, which is strange, cuz i usually just kinda lull around just below normal, but recently i can't even help it i just feel so useless and immediatey start to doubt myself, and it never turns out good. the other day i just snapped and had to leave so i just walked all over the place all night, i dont even know why, it was almost an instinct to try and think. The things i did to hide my depression before, aka drugs, drinking, smoking, none of that works any more, i just fall into a mood again as soon as get drunk or whatever. So i've pretty much decided to quit everything, havent smoked pot in like 3 weeks, i drank last night, but i think im done with that for a while, and i havent smoked a cigarette in like 4 days. yay for me i guess.
but with this new found sobriety, i dont know i find myself thinking that hell no im not doing this for myself, i am doing it for someone else. and if anyone here talks to me with any regularity you know this is party true. it's soo hard trying to go out of your social area i guess, cuz like, this girl who i kinda like is all fuckin straight edge and smart, and im all dumb and...me, so its really really hard, it fucking sucks, cuz all i think about around her is how she'd totally reject me if i even tried anything, so then it makes things worse.
i'm just lonely
honestly, i've never been worse. this isnt cool at all...not the slightest bit. Me n brian were talking today on a cliff after some bouldering, and like, through all of our discussion i noticed a few key things:
1: i need a change, not only in scenery, but activities, going out and partying is fun and all, however, i find myself, i dont know, disinclined to do so every single night
2: brian is god...no really, seeing as how we both have the same things wrong with us, but we're different in our own depressed ways, we balance out so like when im really down he's really up and it works well, that is good, cuz that kid cheers me up a lot
3: i need self confidence; anyone got ne extra? cuz i think with a little bit of that my life would be a whole lot easier.
ok, that really sums that up i guess
i dont feel like leaving yet though, haven't been sleeping much lately, i've also been really sick, but its all mental, cuz as soon as i start getting a little bit happy i feel fine.
we went to her softball game on thursday, i think everyone there thought we were on drugs. we were not.
why can't it be easier to tell her things? not even tell, more like discuss, or talk to her or something, its just so hard cuz most of her friends hate me cuz of who im friends with, fucking hate it
this shit is really long, so whoever reads this far down...you get a gold star
i miss kathren
haven't seen nor heard from her since she got her new boyfriend, but sounds like that is going well, so i wish her all the best at prom and beyond.
sorry dear, i will not be attending, but call me, we should do lunch.
I really don't want to go to germany, i just want to relax and not have to worry about travelling, plus i get really bad anxiety while flying in commercial planes
so i was standing on top of a 150 foot cliff today, and i literally tried to get myself to just jump. i couldn't do it. no matter how much i thought of all the bad things, all the times ive overloaded in the past week alone, seen so many happy people, and thinking about what i want. but i just couldnt jump. maybe i was scared of the pain, but i think its more. i want to know what happens. sure im really depressed now, and have been for years, but who knows what's comming next? i dont know, i guess its me trying to be hopeful, and i know i always make the worst out of every situation, and i never EVER get what i want, but what if i do? what if something happens that i dont want to miss? i just couldnt jump. its not just because of the girl, either. she just represents something that i want that i cant get-my levity, normal thinking, shes like totally normal, thats what i want...not just with girls, but with life. for once i want things to be normal and happy. i havent been truly happy in so long, and i cant take it anymore.
im still lonely though
sigh
gretchen called me the other night, to check on me, she said she cares, that means a lot to me. i guess she cares enough to call to make sure im alright cuz she knows most of the situation, thats awesome.
it's 3:15, do you know where your children are? i'm going to walk to BP and get some coffee.
tomorrow is saturday, i have nothing to do. god damn, anyone actually reads this thing and wants to talk or hang out, gimme a call, or don't if you dont want to, thats okay too as long as you're happy.
somehow writing this has made me feel worse. i don't want to feel like this anymore, why does it keep comming back?? god damn!