the drug of choice...
ruts are funny. i hate getting stuck in them but wen you do you cant get out. you can only sit back and watch yourself repete stupid/boring things and not do anything about it. its like being forced to watch ur life on standby.
i feel like im falling. backwards and down. i keep waiting for rock bottom but i know its a long ways off. i wishi could stop myself. and i keep looking for ways out. i havent given up hope yet. but at the same time i see myself making choices that are destructive. i dont know how to stop. because as bad as those choices are they make me feel better for the moment. they're like my drug. The drug of choice. gives u the feeling of power and control. two things i feel like i lack. i need to get away from the stress, the pressure, and the expectations. but i cant. but im not brave enough to face them head on. take them at a running charge. instead i try to slink by. and that does nothing for my selfesteem.
the only thing that is keeping me sane right now are my friends. they are amazing and whether they know it or not they help me in sooo many ways. i will never be able to repay them and they will never know how much i owe them. its nice having people in the world (besides the parents) that i can trust not hurt me. I know that in their own way each of them will always be there for me and i hope they know that it goes both ways. true friends can never be replaced.