Choosing to trust
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
~1 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)
It occurred to me, in a sudden blitz of clarity, that I'm terribly fearful about my work. I'm been going around in this strange welter of depression recently, and it hits particularly when I a.) think about work b.) am at work. Given that I'm at work 5 days a week, and i can technically think about it 24/7, this means this black mood basically follows me around like an evil stalker that I cannot shake.
And over the long weekend, while I was busy being busy and hating every single commitment that seemed to stave off more of my precious rest time, it suddenly hit me--this black mood I have, I can name. And, recognizing it as fear, plain, unvarnished and ugly, I suddenly realized why my eating has been out of whack, why my insides always feel so curled up, and why I've been so tensed and unhappy at work. That's a start, right? Once you've identified unknown substance X, you can begin to deal with it, slowly.
I wasn't always fearful. But i guess, the longer I've been here, the more the pressure to perform, to know better, even as responsibilities mount. And with the recent release of bonuses, the sense is that the stakes are higher, the expectations elevated. And me, I've this desperate sense that I'm scrabbling, nails to the wall, limbs moving frantically but with not much progress to show for it. And I always, always feel like I'm not fast enough, not effective or efficient enough. And the "try harder!" solution I keep at doggedly just makes me feel more ineffective, and ten times more stupid than the average person, who seems to achieve simple tasks with a fraction of the effort, twice as quickly.
And it's at times like this, at the end of my own ability to do anything about it, that I can only cry out and ask for His assurance. How apt, your truths, O God, for even as my fears--rational, irrational, inexplicable--mount, you remind me of your presence through your word. Put last place in my day, yet you're patient enough to wait for me, gracious enough not to turn your face away from me. Dear Father, comfort my heart, ease my fears, even as I CHOOSE to trust in you, over ALL my fears. For it is you alone who assign me my portion and my cup, and favour comes from you alone, not from man. Teach me to raise my eyes from my narrow view of earthly things, and lift me to the rock that is higher than I.
~1 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)
It occurred to me, in a sudden blitz of clarity, that I'm terribly fearful about my work. I'm been going around in this strange welter of depression recently, and it hits particularly when I a.) think about work b.) am at work. Given that I'm at work 5 days a week, and i can technically think about it 24/7, this means this black mood basically follows me around like an evil stalker that I cannot shake.
And over the long weekend, while I was busy being busy and hating every single commitment that seemed to stave off more of my precious rest time, it suddenly hit me--this black mood I have, I can name. And, recognizing it as fear, plain, unvarnished and ugly, I suddenly realized why my eating has been out of whack, why my insides always feel so curled up, and why I've been so tensed and unhappy at work. That's a start, right? Once you've identified unknown substance X, you can begin to deal with it, slowly.
I wasn't always fearful. But i guess, the longer I've been here, the more the pressure to perform, to know better, even as responsibilities mount. And with the recent release of bonuses, the sense is that the stakes are higher, the expectations elevated. And me, I've this desperate sense that I'm scrabbling, nails to the wall, limbs moving frantically but with not much progress to show for it. And I always, always feel like I'm not fast enough, not effective or efficient enough. And the "try harder!" solution I keep at doggedly just makes me feel more ineffective, and ten times more stupid than the average person, who seems to achieve simple tasks with a fraction of the effort, twice as quickly.
And it's at times like this, at the end of my own ability to do anything about it, that I can only cry out and ask for His assurance. How apt, your truths, O God, for even as my fears--rational, irrational, inexplicable--mount, you remind me of your presence through your word. Put last place in my day, yet you're patient enough to wait for me, gracious enough not to turn your face away from me. Dear Father, comfort my heart, ease my fears, even as I CHOOSE to trust in you, over ALL my fears. For it is you alone who assign me my portion and my cup, and favour comes from you alone, not from man. Teach me to raise my eyes from my narrow view of earthly things, and lift me to the rock that is higher than I.