Clinging by its thick country skin to my yellow country teeth
I still don't like myself. It's not quite as appearance driven as it used to be, honestly. At least not right now. But I overlooked personality trying to change the outside. God, I feel so obnoxious. I talk and people don't say anything back, I don't know why it still hurts me. I say things and then hate myself for saying them. There are more parts I don't like than I do. I keep telling myself to change but I don't.
I really should make a better effort...But it's like performance, another part to play. None of it is real, that's the hardest part. I don't want to have to try so hard, I don't want it to come off as fake, because I am genuinely unhappy with how I am. Maybe I don't have to change entirely...just focus on the good parts and dig a deep hole for all the bad stuff. Sometimes hidden is just as good as destroyed.
Here's what I need to do:
1. Stop complaining
2. Think about what I have to say before I say it, and only say it if it truly adds meaning. There's some proverb I read on tumblr, I think of Arabic origin, that goes something like "speak only if what you have to say is more beautiful of silence."
3. Consider the impact of what I will say. Not just to others but also myself.
4. Calm myself when I get anxious or angry, because that's when I start doing things like talking incessantly just to take my mind off it. This also ties into #1 - stop complaining, because that's often an outcome.
Good. Grief.
I really should make a better effort...But it's like performance, another part to play. None of it is real, that's the hardest part. I don't want to have to try so hard, I don't want it to come off as fake, because I am genuinely unhappy with how I am. Maybe I don't have to change entirely...just focus on the good parts and dig a deep hole for all the bad stuff. Sometimes hidden is just as good as destroyed.
Here's what I need to do:
1. Stop complaining
2. Think about what I have to say before I say it, and only say it if it truly adds meaning. There's some proverb I read on tumblr, I think of Arabic origin, that goes something like "speak only if what you have to say is more beautiful of silence."
3. Consider the impact of what I will say. Not just to others but also myself.
4. Calm myself when I get anxious or angry, because that's when I start doing things like talking incessantly just to take my mind off it. This also ties into #1 - stop complaining, because that's often an outcome.
Good. Grief.