I change shapes just to hide from this place but I'm still, I'm still an animal
I'm feeling...weird lately. I feel like I'm acting all the time. There are very few people with whom I feel like I can be myself, and of them I've found that in many situations I am still uncomfortable and putting up a front. I'll say things just to say something, and it'll end up being something completely daft, and I'll immediately regret because I feel like an absolute fool...
But then when I get to be alone, I don't really like that person either. Because there's nothing I can hide from myself, and that just makes the things I hide from everyone else so abundantly clear, and I just hate myself more for it. I don't like myself for feeling/doing these things, and having to hide them only makes it that much worse...
I don't like that there are things I feel like I have to keep secret from people, but I am terrified of being judged. I think I could handle it if someone didn't like me for some kind of reason, but being judged based on this fake person just doesn't seem fair. And it's really hard because I don't want to be fake all the time but how can I be the real me? That person really isn't that much better.
I feel like I need a new start. But there isn't much I can change about my situation other than trying to reassure myself and calm down. Stop over-thinking, and maybe even sink back into extreme shyness...being nobody again might be better than being this sham.
But then when I get to be alone, I don't really like that person either. Because there's nothing I can hide from myself, and that just makes the things I hide from everyone else so abundantly clear, and I just hate myself more for it. I don't like myself for feeling/doing these things, and having to hide them only makes it that much worse...
I don't like that there are things I feel like I have to keep secret from people, but I am terrified of being judged. I think I could handle it if someone didn't like me for some kind of reason, but being judged based on this fake person just doesn't seem fair. And it's really hard because I don't want to be fake all the time but how can I be the real me? That person really isn't that much better.
I feel like I need a new start. But there isn't much I can change about my situation other than trying to reassure myself and calm down. Stop over-thinking, and maybe even sink back into extreme shyness...being nobody again might be better than being this sham.