my deepest, most hearfelt apologies. :/
so i know i uselessly flapped my lips a while ago about how i was gonna revive my lj! and empty promises like that, but the truth of the matter is, i just can't update as often as i wish i could anymore. i'm terrible at commitments to begin with, and although i was determined to see my livejournal through, it looks like i'm going to have to (once again >_<) back out of it. things have become a little more complicated and busy, and i now have to concentrate on my life outside of the internet. (ha, as if i even had one in the internet to begin with. :P) i hope not to disappear completely, to still make a few interesting blog posts here and there, if i can remember, that is, but i'm sorry mostly to all the people i've friended on livejournal yet never really talked to, even though i would really love to get to know them. you guys are all really, really awesome people that have inspired me to write better and love it more, and again, i'm so deeply sorry i couldn't return the favor.
even though i'm not in college now, ironically i've become busier than ever. i'm applying early to northwestern, which means i have to beef up my application and write a damn good college essay in a little more than a month and a half. perhaps it's the fact that dawned on me - oh crap, this is like, my utmost LAST chance because i screwed up my other last chance - that i'm working so hard now. poetic justice, eh? but this means i have to study for 2 SAT subject tests (cuz, uh, the ones i took in high school except for math II sucked >_>), write about the research about family history i did over the summer, write other miscellaneous supplement essays, all on top of trying to find a job. the stress isn't getting to me yet, but i do have to crack down on my sometimes blatant hedonism/procrastination and treat my life like the srs bsns it is. haha. so no, i don't really think my life is gonna get anymore interesting (unless it does, in which case i will be more than happy to update anyone who wants to know :D), but it's gonna get a lot tougher than it's ever been.
in other news, my annual case of summer's writer's block has struck again :/, but though i can't write anything creative to save my life, i can write some deeply philosophical shit :D :
"i often ask in my stories, what is love? i vainly try to answer it many times with my own little preconceptions, as if never experiencing anything gives me so much authority on the matter. i've been so disappointed and hurt, especially by boys, that i might as well just pine away for eternity at this point. :P because, well, truthfully, i don't even think i've been so completely in love with someone that i forgot myself. infatuation is something completely different, and just how i can become infatuated with the prettiest little thing, i can very easily come to like a boy at first glance. so i've covered at least that much. but the something between infatuation and love, the state of being in love? i imagine it to be something like finally feeling alive for the first time, but isn't it a little biased that everything needs to be based on love or lack thereof? why are there novels, songs, movies written solely on the subject? why the longing, biological or spiritual aside? humans lead terribly lonely lives anyway - why the need to make us so completely aware of it that we'd utterly destroy ourselves inside out?
to think a single emotion could dominate us all, could lead wise men to wage mad wars, could convince otherwise happy people to jump off tall buildings, could make someone sick with jealousy and filled to the brim with rage. to think that the entire human race, past, present, and future, could be united with the singular goal of loving and being loved.
it's understandably mind-boggling.
in any case, i've chosen to abstain from such thoughts, longings, active pursuits, etc. until opportunities happen to crop themselves up. a bit depressing, yes, but what is the point of digging yourself deeper in an already cavern-sized hole?
i think the greek gods have it very easy, yet very hard at the same time. their emotions and loyalties seem to shift at the drop of a dime. they seem so heavily motivated by desire, if only because the magnitude of their souls makes it so. but these immortal beings fought for things, fought amongst themselves, for things so distant and uncoveted by myself, like pride, and love of course, that i can't even imagine it. something i am unable to do, something i'm rather envious of. such vibrant emotions - i once wished for absence of emotion, but what a fool i was! i guess the old adage is correct - be careful what you wish for, because you never know, you might get it! wise men, perhaps inspired by the greek myths themselves.
(so yes, once upon a time, i broke myself unfixable. but i'm scrambling desperately to remedy it, even as we speak.)
which returns me to my original point - i once thought, in my naive little way, that love was the panacea to my problems, but then i discovered that the matter was a little more complicated than the simplicity with which it is spelled. because i often seem to forget that though i sometimes feel as old as the moon, i've only lived seventeen (nearly going on eighteen) years of life so far, and that does not make me an authority on anything - save for the method with which to properly get yourself lost in a major city. but all joking aside...i do not know anything about this world, about life, about myself, if i am foolish enough to feel like a wise man. (otherwise why would i have made that wish?)
in the meantime, i'll just listen to fall out boy, and perhaps a little panic as well, because i'm a teenager, and i should just enjoy it while i can, i suppose. before i know it, i might end up a fifty year old, and damn it, i'm sure as hell not gonna let myself stay so foolish until then. i have a lot of resolve and little ambition, but only because i'm a coward (and a bit lazy to boot). clearly i'm just gonna have to kick this scaredy-cat habit of mine."
hope you enjoyed another "what is life?"-induced trip of mine.
have a nice day! :D
even though i'm not in college now, ironically i've become busier than ever. i'm applying early to northwestern, which means i have to beef up my application and write a damn good college essay in a little more than a month and a half. perhaps it's the fact that dawned on me - oh crap, this is like, my utmost LAST chance because i screwed up my other last chance - that i'm working so hard now. poetic justice, eh? but this means i have to study for 2 SAT subject tests (cuz, uh, the ones i took in high school except for math II sucked >_>), write about the research about family history i did over the summer, write other miscellaneous supplement essays, all on top of trying to find a job. the stress isn't getting to me yet, but i do have to crack down on my sometimes blatant hedonism/procrastination and treat my life like the srs bsns it is. haha. so no, i don't really think my life is gonna get anymore interesting (unless it does, in which case i will be more than happy to update anyone who wants to know :D), but it's gonna get a lot tougher than it's ever been.
in other news, my annual case of summer's writer's block has struck again :/, but though i can't write anything creative to save my life, i can write some deeply philosophical shit :D :
"i often ask in my stories, what is love? i vainly try to answer it many times with my own little preconceptions, as if never experiencing anything gives me so much authority on the matter. i've been so disappointed and hurt, especially by boys, that i might as well just pine away for eternity at this point. :P because, well, truthfully, i don't even think i've been so completely in love with someone that i forgot myself. infatuation is something completely different, and just how i can become infatuated with the prettiest little thing, i can very easily come to like a boy at first glance. so i've covered at least that much. but the something between infatuation and love, the state of being in love? i imagine it to be something like finally feeling alive for the first time, but isn't it a little biased that everything needs to be based on love or lack thereof? why are there novels, songs, movies written solely on the subject? why the longing, biological or spiritual aside? humans lead terribly lonely lives anyway - why the need to make us so completely aware of it that we'd utterly destroy ourselves inside out?
to think a single emotion could dominate us all, could lead wise men to wage mad wars, could convince otherwise happy people to jump off tall buildings, could make someone sick with jealousy and filled to the brim with rage. to think that the entire human race, past, present, and future, could be united with the singular goal of loving and being loved.
it's understandably mind-boggling.
in any case, i've chosen to abstain from such thoughts, longings, active pursuits, etc. until opportunities happen to crop themselves up. a bit depressing, yes, but what is the point of digging yourself deeper in an already cavern-sized hole?
i think the greek gods have it very easy, yet very hard at the same time. their emotions and loyalties seem to shift at the drop of a dime. they seem so heavily motivated by desire, if only because the magnitude of their souls makes it so. but these immortal beings fought for things, fought amongst themselves, for things so distant and uncoveted by myself, like pride, and love of course, that i can't even imagine it. something i am unable to do, something i'm rather envious of. such vibrant emotions - i once wished for absence of emotion, but what a fool i was! i guess the old adage is correct - be careful what you wish for, because you never know, you might get it! wise men, perhaps inspired by the greek myths themselves.
(so yes, once upon a time, i broke myself unfixable. but i'm scrambling desperately to remedy it, even as we speak.)
which returns me to my original point - i once thought, in my naive little way, that love was the panacea to my problems, but then i discovered that the matter was a little more complicated than the simplicity with which it is spelled. because i often seem to forget that though i sometimes feel as old as the moon, i've only lived seventeen (nearly going on eighteen) years of life so far, and that does not make me an authority on anything - save for the method with which to properly get yourself lost in a major city. but all joking aside...i do not know anything about this world, about life, about myself, if i am foolish enough to feel like a wise man. (otherwise why would i have made that wish?)
in the meantime, i'll just listen to fall out boy, and perhaps a little panic as well, because i'm a teenager, and i should just enjoy it while i can, i suppose. before i know it, i might end up a fifty year old, and damn it, i'm sure as hell not gonna let myself stay so foolish until then. i have a lot of resolve and little ambition, but only because i'm a coward (and a bit lazy to boot). clearly i'm just gonna have to kick this scaredy-cat habit of mine."
hope you enjoyed another "what is life?"-induced trip of mine.
have a nice day! :D