(no subject)

[le_____sigh_]

lay down a list of what is wrong
the things you've told him all along
and pray to god he hears you
pray to god he hears you

i haven't updated in a while for a reason.
i guess.
i think.
things have been weird.
actually i don't really know how things are.
everyday seems like a different story.
the only constant thing is my hate for school and my job.
i am trying to hang out with people i haven't in a while.
i am trying to move away from people who just don't care.
i am trying to make things better for myself.
i am trying to stay focused on the things i want.
i am trying to not set myself for more emotional destruction.
it's hard, but i am trying.

as sad as it is, i really want a relationship right now.
not just a boyfriend or dating persay,
but love love love love.
that kinda thing.
in some ways i think i am hopeless,
in some ways i don't care enough to think otherwise.
i just don't know if it's out there for me.
what i want, that is.
i can't expect anything from people.
when i expect, i get in trouble.
when i question, i get in trouble.
i don't know what people want from me.
i don't know who would want me.
i just want somebody.
and i don't think i have somebody right now.
i'm afraid that if i try to walk away,
i won't be followed.
i won't be worth the effort.

i don't believe in fate or destiny.
i believe in right now.
i believe that i make the decision in my life and i'm the only one to blame for what happens in it.
good or bad.
more so bad right now, than good.