The mornings
I have been up since 5am. Went to sleep somewhere between 1-2am, and I was so tired. I might be able to drift off now except that there are things going on and I am starting to feel hunger pains. My life has been repeatedly disrupted by medical emergencies (not my own) over the last few weeks and my sleep schedule went off the rails. I finally started to get back to a more tenable schedule but now I'm waking up early. I don't think it's the drugs, as I ran out and only recently picked them up again. It just feels like every time I start to get a handle on things, the rug is pulled out from under me. I feel more than ever like I am splitting into fragments and the dominant one just wants to curl up in a corner and drift into obscurity. I can't really tell people this because how can I admit that an ever growing part of me doesn't want to fix things? I am reminded of the terrible night 12 years ago when I realized I was dying. I thought, "Well, if I let myself go unconscious again, I'll die or I'll wake up in a hospital. Either way I won't have to deal with all this anymore."