FIC: GazettE: Greatest Dream To Lose 1/2 [Uruha/Kai, Uruha/Ruki; NC-17]
Title: Greatest Dream To Lose 1/2
Author: ldybastet
Fandom/Pairing: the GazettE - Uruha/Kai, Uruha/Ruki
Summary: Being in the same band as the person you love is great, until everything falls apart...
Rating: NC-17/Adult/Hot
Content: Angst, hurt/comfort, relationship problems, alcohol, frottage, anal, oral...
Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with the GazettE or PSC, and have no knowledge of what is happening in their lives, apart from what is revealed in interviews and on Twitter. This is a work of fiction, and any resemblance to real events or people is purely coincidental. No disrespect is intended and I earn no money from this.
Notes: ~16900 words. Beta and handholding by misumaru, and lots of support from one_short_fuse. <3 Posted in two parts because LJ doesn't support long posts.
Greatest Dream To Lose
Some dreams are worth everything to pursue; some dreams, you only think that they are, until you realise what the price you had to pay was. And then it's too late.
The road to Tokyo Dome had been long and stressful. For a whole year, they'd worked hard and tirelessly (it was a pretty lie - they had all been very tired and worn) to reach their goal, their dream: to stand on a stage at Tokyo Dome in front of thousands of fans. The stress and the strain had sometimes made it a little hard to appreciate and to enjoy. Once they were on the stage, it was wonderful, and Uruha had felt as if he was flying, so happy, so full of joy and fulfilment...
And then it was over. Just like that.
**
Uruha walked into the studio at what he thought was a decent time. They'd said 11, right?
Ruki glared at him. "You're late!"
"I am?" Uruha looked at him, then over at Reita and Aoi, who also looked impatient. Kai was sitting in a corner, not even looking at Uruha.
"Irresponsible," Kai muttered under his breath.
"It's 1 o'clock! We've been here since 11," Reita said, trying to help explain why Uruha was met by so much irritation.
"It is?" Uruha looked at his watch. Oh. Yeah, it was. "Sorry." He sat down, away from Kai, and the meeting could begin.
"Okay," Ruki said. "Now that we're all here," he looked pointedly at Uruha, "we can listen to the songs we've brought."
Ruki had a few songs (bare, not perfect, but they could all hear the melody, the idea of what the songs would be) to play for them, and then Aoi brought his laptop up, to play what he'd been working on. It was good, Uruha thought. They were both good at making songs that resonated with their audience.
He looked up when the room was all quiet, and only then realised that he'd probably been asked something. "Eh? What?"
"I said, what do you have to play for us?" Ruki sighed, obviously not having a lot of patience that day.
Uruha looked down. "Nothing."
There were several long seconds of silence before Ruki said anything. "Nothing? Uruha, it doesn't have to be complete, you know that..."
Uruha shook his head. "No, I mean, I don't have anything written."
The silence turned uncomfortable now, not used to this kind of situation, and it made the seconds longer, which wasn't helping at all. It wasn't until Reita coughed that it slunk away, and Uruha hoped it wouldn't be back for a long time.
"What's wrong?" Reita asked. "You've always had songs for us to listen to and choose from before."
Uruha just couldn't look his best friend in the eyes, so he settled for looking at the top button in Reita's shirt instead. "No inspiration..."
The silence took the opportunity to stroll into the room again, and Uruha frowned. "So... why don't we listen to your songs again, and decide?" There, defeated it.
Ruki shrugged, looking at Aoi. "Okay." They played the songs again, and scribbled down notes. After the fourth listen, they'd decided on a main song for the single. Just in time for a food break. Lunch, is what Uruha would have called it despite the fact that it was really late in the afternoon. But Uruha wasn't hungry.
"No, it's okay... You go, and I'll start thinking about the guitar parts..." He waved them off, to leave him alone.
When they'd left, Uruha sighed and got up to get one of his studio guitars. They didn't always have meetings in the rehearsal studio, but today he was glad they did. It sort of helped a little when he could dive right into work and not have to think about things too much. He settled down again, guitar in his lap, and started to play around a bit, finding his way around the song they'd decided on.
After a while though, he found himself playing one of the guitar phrases he'd deemed impossible to fit into a song. It was just sad and pained, the notes drawn out and depressing. It wasn't even something that was suitable for a ballad, because it was just wrong for that. He sighed and reached for the laptop to play Ruki's song again.
"Why did you stop?"
Uruha looked up, surprised to see Reita standing in the doorway.
"That wasn't for Ruki's song," Reita said as he stepped inside.
"No, it wasn't." Uruha sat back again, just holding his guitar. "But one phrase is not a song."
"It could be one?"
Uruha shook his head. "It won't go anywhere. It's just..."
"It sounds sad." Reita sat down at the table, looking straight at Uruha. "He's still not talking to you, I noticed."
"No, he doesn't, and I don't think he ever will. He's just angry with me."
"Give him time. Breakups can be hard."
Uruha sighed heavily. He knew Reita was only trying to help, being worried about him, but he really didn't want to have this conversation. "Its not like that... He just left."
"Why? What did you fight about?"
"We didn't," Uruha said quietly, shaking his head and closing his eyes against the sudden stinging in them. "Like I said, he just left, and he's been angry at me ever since." He looked at Reita again. "Can you tell them that I went home to work on the songs when they return?" Reita nodded, and Uruha quickly copied the files to take them with him.
When Uruha got home, he just closed the door behind him and leaned against it for a while. "Shit," he mumbled. He had no problems with Ruki being grumpy about him being late, but Kai was a different story altogether. He'd always thought of Kai as a warm, caring, reliable and strong kind of person. Someone he could trust, someone who could both make him feel better when he were down and also make him do better than he'd ever thought he could. But to experience how Kai could completely turn away from him, withdrawing all of that... Uruha had told Reita that Kai was angry with him, but it was only half of the truth. The rest of it was just too hard to explain. How did one even try to say what it felt like to see Kai smile at others and then, when his gaze passed Uruha, the smile just completely disappearing, as if it had been removed, only for Uruha?
It wasn't just that they'd broken up, it wasn't just that Kai didn't love him anymore - it was like Uruha wasn't even a person to Kai.
Uruha pushed away from the door, pulled off his boots, and headed for the living room. He poured himself a small shot of sake and sat down on the sofa, putting the bottle on the table. After he'd loaded the files into his laptop, he listened to what they'd decided would be the main song of the single again and looked at the notes he'd scribbled down.
Working on Ruki's song, he tried to find a way to incorporate what Ruki had told them he felt in it, what he wanted it to convey, but it was slow going. Refilling his glass, Uruha tried to find the fun and joy in playing, forgetting all the other things that went on in his life. But the harder he tried, the louder the memories cried out to him.
With a sigh, Uruha leaned to the side on the sofa, half lying down, and closed his eyes. He remembered it like it had been yesterday...
Uruha was playing his guitar, when Kai burst out of the bedroom. "I'm so fucking tired of this!"
"Tired of what?" Uruha asked, muting the strings and looking in Kai's direction.
Kai had been in a bit of a bad mood for a few days, irritable and short-tempered, but Uruha didn't expect him to explode out of the blue. Kai pulled a shirt off the armrest of the sofa and stalked into the kitchen. Uruha could hear the tap running, a glass being filled, and a little later how it was thumped down onto the kitchen counter and Kai stomped back into the room.
"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about," Kai snarled, and Uruha stared at him. This was not the Kai he knew and loved.
"But I really don't--"
"Shut up!" Kai returned to the bedroom, opening closets and drawers. A few minutes later he was back, carrying two bags. "I'm tired of this shit. Tired of all of this pretending! I can't take it anymore! Do whatever the fuck you want, but I've had enough!"
Uruha dropped the guitar as he got to his feet and took a few steps forward. "Kai... What do you mean?" He felt numb, cold, like his body wasn't his own any more.
Kai turned towards him, anger flashing in his eyes. "I mean that I can't stand being around you anymore! This," he made a wide gesture, "is all a lie!" He turned and headed for the front door, angrily shoving his feet into his shoes and grabbing his jacket.
Uruha saw it happening as if it was in slow motion, and he had no idea how he'd ended up in the hallway. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, to stop Kai from leaving, but the look on Kai's face made all the words freeze to ice and his glare shattering them before he could form them properly.
Kai grabbed the door handle and then turned back to Uruha. He took something out of his jacket pocket. "You can have this back," he growled, "I don't want it anymore." With that he threw the object on the floor, in Uruha's direction, and was gone, slamming the door behind him.
Uruha slowly sank down to the floor. He couldn't think. He felt, but the emotions were so far away that he could barely make sense of them. Then his gaze fell upon the small metal object close to his knee. A key. It was a key. The key to his apartment.
A dam burst inside him and pain crashed down over him, tearing through him and breaking everything that he was, crushing him under its weight and making it impossible to breathe. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he didn't notice, could only see the key, abandoned on the floor. Just like he was. It had all been a lie, Kai had said. Kai had pretended to love him? All that they'd done together, all the time they'd spent together... All a lie.
Uruha didn't know how long he sat there, but he finally managed to get his phone out and pressed the number to Reita. He couldn't handle this himself; he needed someone to talk to. The call went straight to voicemail. Uruha tried Ruki's number instead.
"Yeah, hello?"
"R--uki."
"Uruha?" Uruha made a pitiful, strangled sound. "What's up?" Ruki was alert at once.
"He's... gone." Uruha tried to say more, but he couldn't get the words past the lump in his throat and the tears started again. He sobbed and tried to get his breathing calmer so he could try to explain.
"He's gone? Who's gone? Kai?!" Uruha tried to reply, but Ruki cut him off. "Stay where you are! I'm coming over. I have to hang up to call a cab, but don't go anywhere, don't do anything, okay!"
Uruha nodded mutely and listened to the beep of the disconnected line. As another crashing wave of nauseating emotions flooded him, he wished for the earlier numbness to come back. It was strange to hurt so much and to still be in one piece. He should be bleeding, skin slashed and torn, his ribcage opened and his blood and guts smeared over the walls and the floor... because it felt like it was.
There was a banging on the door, then Ruki was there, sitting on the floor in front of Uruha. Uruha couldn't see him clearly through the tears, but he could hear him and he could feel the warmth of his hands, the smell of his cologne.
"Uruha... What happened?" Ruki hesitated, then folded Uruha into his arms, hugging him tightly. "He's gone?"
Uruha nodded against Ruki's shoulder.
"He's not hurt or dead or fallen off the balcony or anything?"
Uruha shook his head. "He left," he managed to croak.
Ruki stroked Uruha's hair. "He left you?" Another nod. "It'll be all right. I promise..."
Uruha let Ruki soothe him and didn't protest, even though he knew nothing would be all right again.
The bottle was empty, and finally a little of the pain was gone. Uruha pushed himself up from the sofa and shuffled into the bathroom, shedding his clothes on the way. He stepped into the shower and while the hot water flowed over him, he willed it to wash away his emotions too, wash him clean on the inside as well.
**
As usual, they started by laying down the drum parts. Kai took a lot of time to get his kit set up as he wanted it, and worked through each part of the song, practising first and then, when he felt he had the flow of it, recording it. Little by little, the foundation of the new song was being put into place.
Uruha knew he didn't really have to be in the studio yet, but he'd always been around for most part of the songs before, and he was not about to change that habit now. He'd been working hard on this song, and he was not going to abandon Ruki with it. As they worked, the song filled out from the pre-process copy they'd arrived with.
At Aoi's insistence, Uruha was working on a solo for it. Aoi hadn't said why he didn't want to play one, but Uruha accepted it. He knew that Aoi would grab a solo when he felt it was his. The song had turned into a good one, and Uruha liked the touches of aggressiveness in it. It was like it was pulling up his own anger and disappointment... and he'd been floored when he'd read the lyrics Ruki had written for it.
He could find lines in there that resonated with things that he felt, even though he knew that Ruki had had something completely different in mind when writing them. But Uruha could take those bits and he played his guitar with those words echoing in his head and his heart. The sound technicians were patient with him, and after a few takes, he had it down, the solo laughing in the face of his pain.
Afterwards, Ruki smiled at him. "That was great! It's just what I had in mind."
Just a few more days, and they would be done with the entire single.
**
Uruha didn't know whose idea it had been, going out to celebrate finishing the recording. There was still the matter of editing and mastering and a cover and probably a dozen other things that went into making a single that he couldn't remember before it was actually done. But he found himself at a table in a small club full of mostly music-business related people - musicians and roadies and a producer or two, and a few women who looked more like hostesses than fans. They could be both, of course. Uruha was always a little wary of them, because he knew how easily rumours got started, especially if you turned them down.
They were all sitting around table, drinks in front of them, light discussion of that day's last work in the studio in the air between them. Uruha was only listening with half an ear, sipping his shouchuu.
"We need new looks again," Aoi said with a grin.
"Urgh, don't remind me!" Reita laughed. "I'm running out of ideas!"
Ruki grinned. "I'm not. I have lots of ideas."
"Why am I not surprised?" Reita replied, poking him in the shoulder. "But what about you, Aoi? Are you going to lose the pink now?"
"No way!!" Aoi looked shocked at the mere thought. He combed his fingers through his bright pink hair. "I'm keeping this."
"The look for the single has to be easy to merge into the looks we decided on for the fc tour," Ruki pointed out. "We still have them ahead of us..." He looked a little unhappy with this fact, and Uruha put his arm around Ruki's shoulders.
"They're just postponed. It'll be fine."
Ruki sighed, but flashed Uruha a smile. "I know. It's just... I don't like causing trouble for people like that, rescheduling things."
"I know." Uruha pulled his arm back and refilled his glass. "But it's not our fault." It was no one's fault really, Uruha thought. You just couldn't argue with Mother Nature. At least they'd had their anniversary live before that earthquake disaster struck. It sort of made him feel a little guilty though... But maybe it was a good thing that they'd been able to bring fun and joy to a lot of people, because there wasn't much fun and joy to be had now, with all the worrying and the dead or lost people and the damages. With the fan club lives later, maybe they could make people forget the harsh reality for a few hours.
For a little while, it felt almost like the old days, the five of them together - the old days before Uruha had confessed his feelings for Kai and they'd started going out. The old days when they were all friends (some of them with a few benefits). Kai didn't speak directly to Uruha, but Uruha could ignore that as long as they were all talking.
However, Kai suddenly excused himself and got up, crossing the room to greet one of the young ladies that had just entered the club, and Uruha felt a stab to his chest. He watched as Kai gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, and the knife was twisted to open the wound more. It was quiet around the table.
"Um," Reita said, as if their conversation had been harpooned like a fish at sea, flopping desperately to survive.
"I need something to drink," Uruha mumbled and didn't protest when Aoi called for a new bottle to be brought to their table.
The other three started haltingly to talk about something again - games, other bands' new releases, their worries about the nuclear plant and the state of the government - while Uruha drank in silence. Whatever Aoi had ordered tasted nice, and he didn't object when Aoi refilled his glass for him. After a while, Uruha chanced a glance in Kai's direction over by the bar, and his fingers tightened around his glass.
Kai was anything but discreet, and the young woman didn't seem to mind at all to have her handsome boyfriend pressed up against her, one arm around her waist and the other god knows where. Uruha growled and turned away from the scene. He really needed something to drink, before he fell apart completely, and wouldn't that add to the spectacle?
Aoi happily matched him, glass for glass, as the conversation picked up again and Uruha welcomed the buzz and the growing carelessness and partial emotional numbness the alcohol gave him. When one of Aoi's friends came over to talk to him a bit, and Reita was off to the toilet, Ruki looked at Uruha.
"Are you okay?" he asked, leaning close to be heard over the din.
"Mm," Uruha tried to assure him, doing his best to ignore Kai and his girlfriend, holding hands and kissing. Kai practically had his tongue jammed down her throat. Fuck it. Uruha could kiss too! He was even good at it, he knew. He grabbed Ruki and pressed their lips together. When Ruki didn't pull back, Uruha grew bolder and teased his lips with the tip of his tongue, feeling them part for him. Ruki tasted nice, a hint of orange mixed with tobacco.
Uruha felt, rather than heard, Ruki moan, and he put his hand on Ruki's thigh. It felt good, touching someone again, and Uruha got a little lost in the kiss, their tongues dancing slowly around each other. When he pulled back, Ruki looked as dazed as Uruha felt, lips red and glistening with saliva.
Uruha slid his hand higher on Ruki's leg, squeezing it lightly. "Come home with me," he murmured in Ruki's ear, and Ruki nodded, his hand moving to Uruha's waist.
They slipped out of the club and managed to get a taxi after only a few minutes. They got into the car, and Uruha gave the driver his address. Ruki looked at him and grinned as he slid his hand over Uruha's thigh.
"I can be quiet," he murmured against Uruha's ear. "Can you?"
Uruha nodded. "I've shared buses and rooms with you guys enough to learn." He palmed Ruki's cock through his jeans, rubbing lightly.
"Me too," Ruki said, and Uruha wondered how many times they'd both been masturbating at the same time without even knowing it. The thought sent a tingle down his spine.
Uruha had to practice his restraint when Ruki slipped his hand in under his shirt to tease and pinch one of his nipples. They were sensitive, and within moments, Uruha's cock was straining against the denim, begging to be released. He could feel Ruki's cock fill out his trousers too, growing hard and hot under his hand. The taxi driver threw a look at them in the rear-view mirror, and Uruha realised that maybe they were being too quiet. Silence could be suspicious as well.
"Work went well," he said awkwardly and squeezed Ruki's cock through the fabric.
Ruki hummed, maybe in pleasure, maybe in response. "Yeah, the project is almost done. Not much we can do about it right now." He slid his hand down to Uruha's groin and rubbed his hand over the bulge he found there, fingers sliding down over Uruha's balls.
"Still," Uruha said, "not much time left over for rest." Uruha had no idea what he was saying, but as long as it covered what they were doing, he didn't care.
"Mm, we needed a night out." Ruki found the zipper in Uruha's jeans and tugged teasingly at the pull. It would have been so hot if he'd actually done it, opened the zipper and pulled Uruha's cock free - dangerous and lewd and obscene, but Uruha knew they couldn't. They didn't want to be thrown out of the cab, after all. So he kept facing forward while teasing Ruki, tracing the outline of his cock with his fingers. Ruki leaned his head back and little puffs of breath fell from his lips as Uruha rubbed his hand over the bulge.
When they were finally at Uruha's place, they were both hard as rock and desperate to get each other's clothes off. Ruki paid the driver and then they were out and up the stairs and inside Uruha's apartment.
They stumbled towards the bedroom in the darkness, Uruha more than a little unsteady on his legs. Not unsteady enough though to not be able to catch Ruki when he tripped on a bottle and almost fell over. The bottle rolled in under Uruha's bed while they were both laughing and taking this as another opportunity to feel each other up.
They fell into the bed, half undressed, and Uruha tried to pull Ruki's jeans off while still kissing. Eventually, he gave up and pulled away to get Ruki naked, taking the opportunity to undress himself as well, then he pushed Ruki back down on the bed and lay down on top of him.
Ruki looked up at him, a naughty smile playing on his lips. "Fuck me," he whispered and brought his hands down to Uruha's arse, pulling him closer and rubbing their cocks together.
"Mm, that's exactly what I had in mind," Uruha replied and then crawled down to settle between Ruki's legs. Ruki's cock was hard and eager, a drop of pre-come travelling down the head when he took it in his hand. Uruha licked it off and, accompanied by Ruki's deep moans, swirled his tongue around the head before closing his lips around it.
Ruki tasted salty and a little musky, and Uruha moaned at the heady feel of having a cock in his mouth again. He missed it. He missed sex and closeness. He missed Kai, but he quickly tried to kill that thought and focused on making Ruki moan, losing himself in the sensations. While sucking and licking, Uruha slowly stroked his own cock, humming around the hard shaft in his mouth. It was so smooth and silky, yet hard like steel underneath, and Ruki made the sexiest sounds - sounds that would have made the most perverted fangirl blush, Uruha was sure.
He pulled away, and Ruki groaned in disappointment. "Just getting the lube," Uruha whispered and reached for the tube on the bedside table. Then he realised that he'd need a condom too, and quickly opened the drawer to get the old pack he had stashed there. He scanned the date on the box, and then pulled one out.
"Mmm, responsible," Ruki commented and grinned, one arm folded under his head.
"Shut up." Uruha grinned back and squirted lube over his fingers before ducking down to take Ruki into his mouth again.
"Ah! Oh fuck, Uruha... Your mouth... so fucking good," Ruki moaned and spread his legs, bending them at the knees, exposing himself to Uruha.
Uruha hummed again, quietly pleased that someone was enjoying his oral skills... He rubbed two slick fingers over Ruki's entrance, feeling the sensitive pucker twitch at the touch, and then slowly started pushing them inside.
"God, yes!" Ruki lifted his hips slightly, pushing against Uruha's fingers, which slipped deeper into him with very little resistance.
Uruha tried to coordinate his actions, taking Ruki's cock deep into his mouth at the same time as he was pushing his fingers into him, pulling away at the same time as well. It didn't take long before Ruki was a squirming mess of incoherent growls and moans. It had been a long time since they'd last done this - not since Uruha had got together with Kai - but there was no need to ask, Uruha knew Ruki was long past ready.
When he withdrew his fingers and let Ruki slip out of his mouth, Ruki just moaned and pulled his knees up with his hands, spreading his legs ever wider. After a little fumbling, Uruha got the condom out of the wrapper and rolled it on. A little more lube later, and he was pushing his cock against Ruki's hole.
As soon as he started to slide inside, Ruki wrapped his legs around Uruha's hips. "Nnnghhnnn... yeah... oh fuck yes..." Ruki groaned and grabbed Uruha's shoulders, making Uruha feel like he was completely wrapped inside Ruki. "Oh yeah, fuck me... Fuck me hard."
Ruki raised his head to try to kiss Uruha, and Uruha didn't resist, losing himself quickly in the sensations. Ruki was tight, hugging his cock snuggly as Uruha thrust deep and hard into him, his mouth eager and hungry as well, and for the first time in months, Uruha felt like he was wanted, desired, needed... His thrusts became faster, egged on by the sounds Ruki made, the way he was clinging to Uruha, tightening his legs around him. The intense pleasure was almost overwhelming, but somehow, Uruha still found the sense to wrap one hand around Ruki's cock, pumping it in his fist as he himself was getting closer and closer.
"U--ru-- com-- ing-- I-- 'ruha!" Ruki tensed like a bow against Uruha, jumbled fractions of words forced out between gasps, and then he let out a long deep moan as he came, pulling Uruha with him over the edge.
They were gasping against each other, Ruki's breath hot on Uruha's neck. After a few moments, Ruki released his hold on Uruha and lowered his legs after Uruha pulled out. Uruha rolled over on his back, pulling the condom off and dropping it on the floor.
Uruha felt dizzy. He didn't know if it was because he was still drunk, or if it was because he'd just come. Maybe a bit of both? He knew he'd needed this, though, to feel someone's body against his own, to feel pleasure again... So why did he feel so empty now? He should be content, blissed out in post-orgasm bliss, not feeling like shit, like something was missing. Kai, a tiny voice in the back of his mind said, and Uruha tried to push the thought away. It wasn't fair to Ruki, he thought. But the harder he tried to not think about Kai, the clearer the mental image of him became, the more his chest tightened and his eyes stung with tears.
Uruha turned away, not wanting Ruki to see. Better if he just thought that Uruha was falling asleep, drunk and sated after sex. Yeah...
But Ruki moved closer, pressing his chest to Uruha's back, wrapping his arms tightly around him, and held him close. So close that Uruha couldn't hold back the tears. His body shook with quiet sobs, but Ruki said nothing, just held him and stroked his hair until he fell into a restless sleep.
**
At first, Uruha didn't know why he'd woken up, but then he heard someone move around in the room, the rustle of clothes and the sound of a zipper being pulled up. His head felt terrible and his tongue tasted like roadkill. He turned over and carefully opened his eyes.
"Hey, I didn't mean to wake you up," Ruki rasped.
"Mmffnnn..." Uruha groaned. He tried to remember what had happened the night before and winced as he realised he'd fallen apart in front of Ruki.
"I'd stay," Ruki said as he hopped on one foot, pulling on a sock, "but I have a design meeting this morning."
"Wh'time'sit?"
"Nine."
Uruha groaned again, then looked up as Ruki sat down on the edge of the bed. Ruki smiled and leaned down to kiss him softly.
"Go back to sleep. You look like you need it."
Uruha nodded. "Hey, about last night..." He frowned and wondered how the hell he could even begin to apologise for that.
Ruki shook his head. "It's okay. Don't worry about it. You're not over him yet, I understand. It was good anyway." He grinned and gave Uruha's hip a light slap. "I'm certainly feeling very well-fucked. It'll give me something nice to think about while I'm at the meeting."
After Ruki left, it took Uruha about five minutes to fall asleep again.
There was a slight lull in activity while the single was being mastered and all the last little preparations for the shooting of the promotional video were being made, and Uruha took the opportunity to shut himself away from the others for a bit. But then Ruki emailed one day and suggested a meeting, a casual get-together to discuss the upcoming schedule with rehearsals and photo shoots, and to just hang out. Uruha wasn't too keen on that last bit. He didn't mind seeing his friends, and sometimes it was what he needed to take his mind off things, but if Ruki had gathered the whole band, then it meant that Kai would be there too.
Uruha sighed and emailed back, asking when and where. He'd rather not go, but it was about the band, so he had no choice. He'd caused enough little inconveniences for the others already, being late, being unable to write any good songs, causing tension... He knew Kai would be in a bad mood as soon as Uruha showed up, and he just didn't know what to do about it. He couldn't use his old ways of cheering him up any longer - no kisses, no promises of a good time later, no teasing, smiling at him didn't help, and no amount of slipping him a coffee or a soda or something else would help either, he suspected. It would be easier if he knew why Kai was always angry with him, because then he could try to change it.
As it was, it felt like it was all his fault, but hell if he knew what he'd done wrong, and it was making him doubt everything he was, everything he was feeling and had ever felt, and everything that maybe Kai had felt for him once.
It fucking hurt.
He dragged himself into the shower to get ready, mostly on autopilot. It was just part of the ritual of going to work. Get clean, brush teeth, get dressed, get painkillers for the hangover... and if he knew he was going too meet Kai, have a drink before leaving. Numb that weird trembling in his chest and try to warm up the coldness bordering on nausea in his stomach.
It was the same today, apart from the fact that they didn't really have 'work' lined up for the day. Ruki had said he wanted them to discuss looks and plans, and what to dream for next. Uruha had had two dreams - they'd reached one, and the other had walked out on him. It was enough to make Uruha consider staying at home, pretending he was sick. It wouldn't be fair on the others though, so he took another drink instead.
Uruha reached for his car keys, then hesitated. He'd barely sobered up by the time he got up, and then he'd had two drinks... With a sigh, he reached for his phone instead and called a taxi.
He got out of the taxi on the main street, then turned a corner to walk the last bit. The others were gathered outside the building, no doubt waiting for him. Apparently he wasn't later than they'd expected, because he was met by smiles and greetings, and a silent ignoring by Kai. Uruha looked at him for a moment, wondering if maybe he should try to just greet him as a fellow band mate, or a friend, but the closed look on Kai's face made it pretty clear it wouldn't be welcome.
"Where's your car?" Reita asked.
"Um... It broke down," Uruha said quietly. "So I took a taxi."
"Oh? Need some help fixing it?"
Uruha knew Reita enjoyed working on his own car, taking it apart and putting it together again, proud at how he could do things like that himself. It was usually a good thing, except when it threatened to reveal Uruha's little white lie. "No, it's okay. It's already in the shop. They said they would have it done in a few days."
"Okay, we need to get some things first," Ruki said, looking determined and apparently set on taking control of their little not-quite-a-meeting. He pointed across the street. "Konbini first!"
Kai looked at Ruki.
"What? There's no one around to even bring us tea or coffee today," Ruki countered the unspoken question. "Better to get things now so we don't have to run out later to get something to eat."
They all stepped inside the shop and each wandered around a bit, finding things they might want to snack on. When they gathered at the check-out, they had enough to feed them for days, Uruha thought, two bags' worth of candy, ready to eat food, and beverages. Ruki divided it between them, handing one bag to Aoi and the other to Uruha, and they were on their way back to the office.
The building was quiet, the lights off, and Aoi had to unlock the front door for them. For a moment, Uruha wondered if this part of town was on electricity saving status that day, but the lights came on with a press of a button, so apparently it was just that they were the only ones stupid enough to work that day, or they were the first to arrive.
The elevator was also already down on the ground floor so Kai stepped inside quickly, apparently eager to start the meeting after the time-consuming detour to the konbini, Reita and Uruha following.
"Ah!" Ruki suddenly exclaimed, stopping between the doors. "I forgot something in your car, Reita. Can you help me carry it?" He took a step back, holding his arms out a bit. "It's kind of big." Reita nodded and got out again.
Before Aoi could sidestep Ruki and get into the elevator, the doors closed. "You go on ahead," Uruha heard him call out and then the elevator jerked into motion. Someone had already hit the button to their floor, and he was alone with Kai.
Uruha discreetly pressed up against the wall as far away from Kai as possible, not interested in crowding him. Kai was silent. As usual. Uruha sighed silently, and looked up to see what floor they were on, when the elevator jerked again and came to a shuddering halt at the same time as the lights cut out.
"Eh? What was that?" Uruha moved to where he knew the door was and felt around for the buttons, pressing them randomly.
"Stop it," Kai said irritably from behind him. "It won't help."
Uruha turned instinctively towards him, but just then the emergency lights came on, and he immediately dropped his gaze and went back to his corner. This was a nightmare, he decided. Not only was he alone with Kai, he was also trapped with him. Cramped places didn't usually bother him, but this was a bit too much. Small, suffocating, dark, and intensely awkward.
A thumping echoed outside the elevator, reaching them a bit muffled. "Hello? Kai? Uruha? Are you okay?" It was Ruki.
Kai went up to the door, cupping a hand around his mouth. "Yeah!" he shouted. "What happened? Is it another earthquake?"
"No, just some kind of electrical failure! Elevator is stuck." That was Reita now.
"We noticed," Kai replied. Apparently he hadn't completely lost his humour, or maybe it was the sarcasm he'd come to use more and more lately. "Call for help!"
"Okay! Doing that now! Just sit tight, we'll try to fix it!"
After that Reita was silent, and Uruha could only hope that they'd find a janitor or get someone from the elevator company as quickly as possible. He slid down the wall to sit on the floor, not caring if it was dirty. It wasn't like he was wearing anything nice anyway. "It's Saturday," he said quietly.
"So?" Kai snapped, and Uruha winced inwardly, regretting that he'd said anything.
"Fewer people work on Saturdays..."
Kai sighed. "Yeah, well. They'll find someone." He sat down on the floor as well, the bag with snacks between them.
**
When the elevator stopped before they'd reached their floor, Kai got a sinking feeling in his stomach. Great, just great! he thought, eyes darting lightning-quick in Uruha's direction and then forward again. He could hear Uruha move, the frantic pushing of buttons, and a flare of anger rose up in him.
"Stop it," he said, keeping his anger in check because he knew that as inconvenient as this was, it wasn't actually Uruha's fault. "It won't help," he added.
After their friends had assured them through the door and god knows how many metres of elevator shaft that they were trying to get help for them, Kai sighed and sat down on the floor. No point in standing. He had no idea for how long they'd be trapped so why not be as comfortable as possible?
The emergency light was weak, and had a strange redness to it - as if a red light would actually calm anyone in this kind of situation. It was the stupidest thing ever, Kai thought. He wished Uruha hadn't reminded him that it was weekend and likely to take some time to find someone who could help. He stole a glance at Uruha who was sitting on the floor too, knees bent and arms resting on them, head hanging between his arms. He didn't look comfortable with the situation either.
The silence spread out between them, and Kai realised that this was the first time they'd been together alone, just the two of them, since he'd stormed out of Uruha's apartment. That didn't make the silence any less awkward or less heavy. Kai looked at his watch. 20 minutes already. How long was this going to take?
With a sigh, he reached into the bag and took out a bottle of water and a box of chocolate Pucca, ripping it open and holding it out to Uruha after he'd taken a handful himself. Uruha accepted the box silently and ate a few of the little chocolate-filled pretzels, then got a bottle of coke out of the bag to wash them down.
An hour and two onigiri each later, Uruha took a deep breath. "Can I ask you something?" he asked quietly, one hand fingering one of the rings on the other.
Kai grunted an affirmative.
"Why do you hate me?" Uruha's voice was barely more than a whisper.
Kai stared at him. Hate him? Kai knew there was no love between them any longer (he refused to acknowledge the bitter ache in his heart), but there was no reason for Uruha to believe he hated him, right?
"What do you mean?"
Uruha swallowed audibly and took a deep breath, still not looking at Kai. "I know I did something to make you hate me... I mean, you left... just like that..." He turned the ring on his finger around and around, the movement almost hypnotic. "But I don't know what it was, and I thought it might be easier if I knew. Not easier, maybe, but... Maybe I can move on if I know?" Uruha stopped fiddling with his ring and lowered his head. "Or something. I don't know." His voice faltered and faded, and Kai had to strain his ears to hear his words. "I'm sorry. Forget that I asked."
Kai kept looking at Uruha, trying to make sense of what he'd said. Uruha wanted to move on? But, he had moved on already, even before Kai had left him, hadn't he?
"I don't hate you," Kai replied finally, holding on to the actual question Uruha had asked. "Why do you think I do?"
The look on Uruha's face was hard to read, half-hidden as it was behind a curtain of hair, but he raised his head just a fraction. "When you left..." he whispered. "You said you were tired of pretending, of pretending to love me..." Uruha took a shaky breath and clenched both hands into fists. "I knew we had problems, but I thought we were going to talk about them when things settled down, and we had more time, when we had time to find our way back... I didn't know you wanted out. I didn't see that you'd stopped loving me... I didn't-- I..." A small sob broke free and Uruha fell quiet, his forced calm breaths the only thing that broke the silence, since Kai had stopped breathing.
"Uruha?"
"I've tried-- I've tried to stop loving you," Uruha whispered, voice strangely thick. "I really have, but... I thought, it might be easier if I knew what I did wrong, if I knew why you started hating me, and then I could stop... But now you say you don't hate me and I am even more confused." He spoke quickly, as if afraid that if he didn't, the words would get stuck on the way. "I'm sorry," he said then, his voice cracking.
Kai kept staring at Uruha, his heart sinking and a terrible cold settling in his stomach. Uruha was trying to stop loving him now?! He... he thought Kai had left him because Kai had stopped loving him?
"Oh fuck..." Kai's whisper echoed between the metal walls. Ruki had said something about him being an idiot for leaving Uruha when Uruha loved him so much, and Kai had just growled at Ruki, telling him he clearly knew nothing about Uruha. Maybe Ruki understood things better than Kai gave him credit for? He scooted a little closer to Uruha, putting one hand on the bag between them.
Uruha moved away a bit when Kai got closer. "I won't bother you again about this," he said quickly. "I-- I want you to be happy, and I hope you are. With her. I just... you know... I used to hope I could make you happy. But," he added, "it wasn't meant to be, right? You're happier now... You can have a family and all that... All that stuff."
Uruha was babbling nervously, and Kai could see straight through it to the pain that was lying underneath every word. It reminded him of the look he'd seen in Uruha's eyes when he'd glared at him as he'd thrown his key on the floor and slammed the door behind him. He'd refused to see what it was then, told himself that it was nothing but surprise, and maybe a little bit of shock, nothing more. But now...
"Uruha." Uruha didn't move, didn't say anything, but his hands were trembling and his shoulders shaking. "Look at me." There was no reaction from Uruha. "Look at me," Kai repeated, more firmly, pushing the bag away so he could move closer.
Uruha slowly raised his head, first looking at the wall in front of him, and Kai could see the tremble in his lips, the clenching of his jaw as he tried hard to not cry. He'd seen it before, last time having been at the tour final a few months earlier, under the spotlights of Tokyo Dome. Uruha had lost the battle then, and he was losing it now a well, tears running unbidden down his cheek.
"I'm sorry," Kai said then, the only thing he could think of to say. Ruki was right after all. He'd been such an idiot! How could he have just walked out without even talking to Uruha, without affirming that his suspicions had been correct? He'd just assumed they were, so certain of it that he hadn't even bothered to say why he left. He'd just thought Uruha knew what he was talking about.
Uruha turned to look at him, confusion written on his face. "Eh?" He looked down at Kai's hand, resting on his arm. "What?"
"Do you--" Kai took a deep breath to steady himself. "Do you still love me?"
Uruha nodded sadly. "I'm sorry."
"No!" Kai said vehemently, and immediately calmed down when Uruha flinched. "No," he said in a softer voice, squeezing Uruha's arm. "Never apologise for loving someone, Uruha."
Uruha nodded and swallowed against his tears.
"Don't apologise for loving me." Kai tried to smile at him, but he could feel that it was strained. Was it too late to fix this, he wondered. Did he even have a right to try?
"But you don't want me to love y--" Uruha started, trying to explain, and Kai pressed his lips to Uruha's to shut him up.
There was a small whimper from Uruha, and when Kai pulled back, a look of stunned shock on his face.
Kai sighed, guilt starting to ooze up inside him, curling around his limbs and making them feel heavy and cold. "I think I made a mistake," he said quietly, holding Uruha's gaze.
Uruha nodded, barely noticeable. "I know..." He looked away and sucked at his lower lip for a second, as if wanting to taste the last bit of Kai lingering there. "We'll pretend it didn't happen. I'm not going to tell her you kissed me."
"What?" For a second, Kai had no idea what Uruha was talking about. Then he realised what Uruha meant and that this was not going to get solved as easily as just with a kiss. "No, I didn't mean the kiss. The kiss was the first thing I've done right in a long time."
**
Uruha could still feel the warm touch of Kai's lips against his own, like a faint tingle, a phantom sensation. It had shocked him, made his heart burst into a thousand tiny pieces all over again. He was both happy that it had happened and sad at the same time. It was an infinitely better parting memory than the horrible sight of Kai's angry face and the door slamming closed, but it also hurt to remember what they'd had, all the happy times together. Bitter-sweet. That's what it was called, wasn't it? But it felt like it wasn't enough to describe the feeling inside him. It was painful rather than bitter. Torture-pleasure?
Kai had said he'd made a mistake, and Uruha knew he had. Maybe he would never find out why Kai had left or why he'd just kissed him, but he had to go on living, regardless. At least they were talking now, so maybe the strain on the band would be less from now on. They had so much they had to do! Lives and singles and a PV and several photo shoots...
"We'll pretend it didn't happen," he said quietly and rubbed at his face, angry at the tears. "I'm not going to tell her you kissed me." Of course he wouldn't. He wanted Kai to be happy, even if it wasn't with him. He would never destroy Kai's new relationship, no matter how much he was hurting. He wasn't that kind of person.
"What?" Kai's hand squeezed Uruha's arm again. "No, I didn't mean the kiss. The kiss was the first thing I've done right in a long time."
Uruha looked at Kai again. The words Kai had just said failed to make any sense to him. How could it be right when Kai was together with someone else? It had been a pity kiss, hadn't it? At least something to be grateful to the tears for, the stupid tears that he'd vowed to never let Kai see.
But Kai was leaning closer again and before Uruha could find anything to say, Kai's lips were pressed against his own once more, soft and warm and slightly moist, and oh god, Uruha couldn't hold back the shameful whimper.
He knew he shouldn't, but he parted his lips eagerly as soon as he felt the tip of Kai's tongue against them. Another whimper broke free as Kai deepened the kiss - his tongue sliding against Uruha's, teasing and tasting. Uruha didn't notice that he grabbed Kai's shirt and shoulder, holding on to him as if his life depended upon it. The kiss blocked all thoughts and all that remained were Kai's lips, Kai's breath, the heat of his body, the muscles in his shoulder flexing when he moved closer, the knee that dug into Uruha's thigh... and the overwhelming arousal that spread all through Uruha.
Uruha gasped when Kai broke the kiss for a moment. Was this really happening? Maybe it was a dream after all - a nightmare turned into an erotic dream - and he was going to wake up any moment, back in his bed, having to get up and get ready for the meeting?
"I broke up with her a few days ago," Kai mumbled and then his lips were back on Uruha's mouth.
Uruha's last defence broke at Kai's words, and he didn't care anymore why Kai suddenly showed interest in him again. It didn't matter, not at that moment. He knew he'd probably regret it later, the pain of losing Kai twice probably too much to bear, but he couldn't think about that, couldn't stop his body from wanting and needing to feel Kai one more time.
His hand slid in under Kai's shirt, moving over flat stomach and soft skin. When Kai pushed him down on the floor he didn't resist, instead wrapping his arms around Kai and moaning as Kai's mouth latched onto the side of his neck - licking, kissing, biting...
The kisses grew more heated, and Uruha clung desperately to Kai. Kai pushed his legs apart and settled his hips between them, growling against the abused skin of Uruha's neck before claiming his mouth again. Uruha moaned when Kai rolled his hips, grinding his very noticeable erection against Uruha's.
"Oh god," he gasped. "Kai..." He bucked up under Kai, tried to get more of that delicious friction and he felt as if his entire body was on fire. Uruha pulled at Kai's shirt first, then gave that up as unnecessary, and tried instead to get one hand between them to get Kai's jeans open. But Kai had already had that idea, and their hands tangled as they tried to unbuckle belts and pull zippers down.
The frantic need gave Uruha a flashback to other times - backstage fumbling with live-exhausted hands and arousal fuelled by adrenaline coursing through their bodies, the rushed grinding and hot kisses to tide them over until they reached the hotel. "Please..." he whispered, begging for the moment to not end, for Kai to not remember who he was and where they were, to not stop.
He almost cried out when he felt Kai's cock against his own, hard and hot. Kai rocked his hips, rubbing their cocks together, and Uruha's moans grew louder against Kai's lips. Uruha wrapped his legs around Kai's thighs and laced his fingers through Kai's hair, holding him close while writhing and trying desperately to put all these sensations into his memory.
Kai growled into the kiss, nipping at Uruha's upper lip, and the sound of his voice, dark and feral, sent a shiver down Uruha's spine, straight down to his balls. Uruha drew a sharp breath when his hair was pulled suddenly and Kai's thrusts against his body grew more desperate. Uruha knew this, knew that Kai was getting close to coming, and even though he didn't want it to stop, his body didn't care. The friction was eased by their combined pre-come now and Uruha felt his toes curl as his release loomed closer, undeniable and demanding. "K-- Kai..."
With a loud moan, Kai tensed up and raised his head to gasp for air. Uruha forced his eyes open to watch as Kai came, kiss-swollen lips parted and brow knitted in focused attention. But as soon as those features relaxed again, Kai sneaked a hand between them and started stroking Uruha.
The look in Kai's eyes was so intense that Uruha had to look away. He groaned as Kai tightened his hand a little more, twisted it just so and, knowing exactly how to please Uruha, brought him to completion in no time.
Their breaths sounded harsh and loud in the confined space, and Uruha's heart was thumping loud enough that he was sure Kai must be able to hear it. Despite the wonderful feeling of post-orgasm bliss, a mist of sadness settled over him, and he kept his eyes closed, scared of looking at Kai now. If he opened them, the moment would end, lost forever. And he wasn't sure he could deal with that yet. What did Kai think of him? Did he... He'd said he'd broken up with the girl, so did he want to be fuck buddies with Uruha now? God... Uruha almost choked on a sob at the thought. Could he handle that?
His jumbled thoughts were interrupted by a loud banging that resonated through the elevator shaft. "Hello? Are you still alive in there?" Reita had returned.
Kai and Uruha quickly disentangled from each other, all legs and smeared come.
"Yeah!" Kai shouted back, sticking his clean hand into the bag. He pulled out the pack of paper napkins that Ruki the neat-freak had insisted on buying, just in case their snacks would give them sticky fingers. They came in very handy now, and Kai tore the package open with his teeth and pulled out a few to clean his hand. "We're still here. Not gone anywhere..." He gave Uruha a quick smile, and something inside Uruha's chest started to warm up.
"Oh? You haven't managed to escape yet?" Reita shouted and then laughed. "What kind of a leader are you?"
"A trapped one!"
"Not for much longer! Help is here, and we'll have you free in no time!"
Uruha and Kai looked at each other, and there was a mad scramble for more napkins to wipe the worst of the come off themselves and to adjust their clothing. "Shit," Kai mumbled and quickly put the opened box of snacks and bottles of water and soda, together with the wads of soiled napkins, back into the bag.
Uruha combed his fingers through his hair and tried to look as composed as he could when the lights came back on and the elevator shuddered into motion again. The elevator returned to the ground floor, and when the doors slid open Ruki, Reita, and Aoi stood there, smiling and looking very relieved.
Kai stepped forward first, smiling at them. "Hey, what took you so long?"
"Well," Ruki said. "Apparently it's Saturday and the janitor had a day off, so we had to get the elevator guys to come instead and they had a job somewhere else first... You're welcome, by the way."
Kai laughed. "Thank you. Really, I mean it."
Reita and Aoi exchanged a look but didn't say anything. Instead, Reita looked around Kai at Uruha. "You okay?" he asked, a worried look on his face.
Uruha nodded, still feeling a bit dazed. "Yeah," he said quietly, not sure he could trust his voice with a longer reply.
"It's late now," Kai said as he stepped out of the elevator, Uruha following, their bag of used goods in one hand. "I think we should postpone the meeting. We're not exactly in the mood now..." he said vaguely.
Ruki nodded. "Yeah, I can understand that. Fucking elevators. We can meet up on Monday instead?"
Aoi sneaked up behind them, putting one arm over Kai's shoulders, the other over Uruha's. "My place, Monday, at 12. Think you can make it?"
"Sure!" Kai said cheerfully, and Uruha nodded. When Aoi pulled away, Kai looked at Uruha. "You didn't take the car, right? I'll give you a ride home."
Uruha nodded again, his heart in his throat. After a short nod to the others, he hurried after Kai to the parking lot. At least it looked like Kai had stopped being angry at him, and maybe they could be friends again. Uruha still felt a little light-headed after the surprise orgasm and the forced normalcy (with their mixed come drying on his skin) in front of their friends. With a small sigh, he leaned back in the passenger seat of Kai's car and closed his eyes. He knew he was an idiot for hoping that things might get better between them again, but god, he wanted it so much.
part 2
This entry was originally posted at http://ldybastet.dreamwidth.org/609721.html.
comments there. You can comment on either site.
Author: ldybastet
Fandom/Pairing: the GazettE - Uruha/Kai, Uruha/Ruki
Summary: Being in the same band as the person you love is great, until everything falls apart...
Rating: NC-17/Adult/Hot
Content: Angst, hurt/comfort, relationship problems, alcohol, frottage, anal, oral...
Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with the GazettE or PSC, and have no knowledge of what is happening in their lives, apart from what is revealed in interviews and on Twitter. This is a work of fiction, and any resemblance to real events or people is purely coincidental. No disrespect is intended and I earn no money from this.
Notes: ~16900 words. Beta and handholding by misumaru, and lots of support from one_short_fuse. <3 Posted in two parts because LJ doesn't support long posts.
Greatest Dream To Lose
Some dreams are worth everything to pursue; some dreams, you only think that they are, until you realise what the price you had to pay was. And then it's too late.
The road to Tokyo Dome had been long and stressful. For a whole year, they'd worked hard and tirelessly (it was a pretty lie - they had all been very tired and worn) to reach their goal, their dream: to stand on a stage at Tokyo Dome in front of thousands of fans. The stress and the strain had sometimes made it a little hard to appreciate and to enjoy. Once they were on the stage, it was wonderful, and Uruha had felt as if he was flying, so happy, so full of joy and fulfilment...
And then it was over. Just like that.
**
Uruha walked into the studio at what he thought was a decent time. They'd said 11, right?
Ruki glared at him. "You're late!"
"I am?" Uruha looked at him, then over at Reita and Aoi, who also looked impatient. Kai was sitting in a corner, not even looking at Uruha.
"Irresponsible," Kai muttered under his breath.
"It's 1 o'clock! We've been here since 11," Reita said, trying to help explain why Uruha was met by so much irritation.
"It is?" Uruha looked at his watch. Oh. Yeah, it was. "Sorry." He sat down, away from Kai, and the meeting could begin.
"Okay," Ruki said. "Now that we're all here," he looked pointedly at Uruha, "we can listen to the songs we've brought."
Ruki had a few songs (bare, not perfect, but they could all hear the melody, the idea of what the songs would be) to play for them, and then Aoi brought his laptop up, to play what he'd been working on. It was good, Uruha thought. They were both good at making songs that resonated with their audience.
He looked up when the room was all quiet, and only then realised that he'd probably been asked something. "Eh? What?"
"I said, what do you have to play for us?" Ruki sighed, obviously not having a lot of patience that day.
Uruha looked down. "Nothing."
There were several long seconds of silence before Ruki said anything. "Nothing? Uruha, it doesn't have to be complete, you know that..."
Uruha shook his head. "No, I mean, I don't have anything written."
The silence turned uncomfortable now, not used to this kind of situation, and it made the seconds longer, which wasn't helping at all. It wasn't until Reita coughed that it slunk away, and Uruha hoped it wouldn't be back for a long time.
"What's wrong?" Reita asked. "You've always had songs for us to listen to and choose from before."
Uruha just couldn't look his best friend in the eyes, so he settled for looking at the top button in Reita's shirt instead. "No inspiration..."
The silence took the opportunity to stroll into the room again, and Uruha frowned. "So... why don't we listen to your songs again, and decide?" There, defeated it.
Ruki shrugged, looking at Aoi. "Okay." They played the songs again, and scribbled down notes. After the fourth listen, they'd decided on a main song for the single. Just in time for a food break. Lunch, is what Uruha would have called it despite the fact that it was really late in the afternoon. But Uruha wasn't hungry.
"No, it's okay... You go, and I'll start thinking about the guitar parts..." He waved them off, to leave him alone.
When they'd left, Uruha sighed and got up to get one of his studio guitars. They didn't always have meetings in the rehearsal studio, but today he was glad they did. It sort of helped a little when he could dive right into work and not have to think about things too much. He settled down again, guitar in his lap, and started to play around a bit, finding his way around the song they'd decided on.
After a while though, he found himself playing one of the guitar phrases he'd deemed impossible to fit into a song. It was just sad and pained, the notes drawn out and depressing. It wasn't even something that was suitable for a ballad, because it was just wrong for that. He sighed and reached for the laptop to play Ruki's song again.
"Why did you stop?"
Uruha looked up, surprised to see Reita standing in the doorway.
"That wasn't for Ruki's song," Reita said as he stepped inside.
"No, it wasn't." Uruha sat back again, just holding his guitar. "But one phrase is not a song."
"It could be one?"
Uruha shook his head. "It won't go anywhere. It's just..."
"It sounds sad." Reita sat down at the table, looking straight at Uruha. "He's still not talking to you, I noticed."
"No, he doesn't, and I don't think he ever will. He's just angry with me."
"Give him time. Breakups can be hard."
Uruha sighed heavily. He knew Reita was only trying to help, being worried about him, but he really didn't want to have this conversation. "Its not like that... He just left."
"Why? What did you fight about?"
"We didn't," Uruha said quietly, shaking his head and closing his eyes against the sudden stinging in them. "Like I said, he just left, and he's been angry at me ever since." He looked at Reita again. "Can you tell them that I went home to work on the songs when they return?" Reita nodded, and Uruha quickly copied the files to take them with him.
When Uruha got home, he just closed the door behind him and leaned against it for a while. "Shit," he mumbled. He had no problems with Ruki being grumpy about him being late, but Kai was a different story altogether. He'd always thought of Kai as a warm, caring, reliable and strong kind of person. Someone he could trust, someone who could both make him feel better when he were down and also make him do better than he'd ever thought he could. But to experience how Kai could completely turn away from him, withdrawing all of that... Uruha had told Reita that Kai was angry with him, but it was only half of the truth. The rest of it was just too hard to explain. How did one even try to say what it felt like to see Kai smile at others and then, when his gaze passed Uruha, the smile just completely disappearing, as if it had been removed, only for Uruha?
It wasn't just that they'd broken up, it wasn't just that Kai didn't love him anymore - it was like Uruha wasn't even a person to Kai.
Uruha pushed away from the door, pulled off his boots, and headed for the living room. He poured himself a small shot of sake and sat down on the sofa, putting the bottle on the table. After he'd loaded the files into his laptop, he listened to what they'd decided would be the main song of the single again and looked at the notes he'd scribbled down.
Working on Ruki's song, he tried to find a way to incorporate what Ruki had told them he felt in it, what he wanted it to convey, but it was slow going. Refilling his glass, Uruha tried to find the fun and joy in playing, forgetting all the other things that went on in his life. But the harder he tried, the louder the memories cried out to him.
With a sigh, Uruha leaned to the side on the sofa, half lying down, and closed his eyes. He remembered it like it had been yesterday...
Uruha was playing his guitar, when Kai burst out of the bedroom. "I'm so fucking tired of this!"
"Tired of what?" Uruha asked, muting the strings and looking in Kai's direction.
Kai had been in a bit of a bad mood for a few days, irritable and short-tempered, but Uruha didn't expect him to explode out of the blue. Kai pulled a shirt off the armrest of the sofa and stalked into the kitchen. Uruha could hear the tap running, a glass being filled, and a little later how it was thumped down onto the kitchen counter and Kai stomped back into the room.
"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about," Kai snarled, and Uruha stared at him. This was not the Kai he knew and loved.
"But I really don't--"
"Shut up!" Kai returned to the bedroom, opening closets and drawers. A few minutes later he was back, carrying two bags. "I'm tired of this shit. Tired of all of this pretending! I can't take it anymore! Do whatever the fuck you want, but I've had enough!"
Uruha dropped the guitar as he got to his feet and took a few steps forward. "Kai... What do you mean?" He felt numb, cold, like his body wasn't his own any more.
Kai turned towards him, anger flashing in his eyes. "I mean that I can't stand being around you anymore! This," he made a wide gesture, "is all a lie!" He turned and headed for the front door, angrily shoving his feet into his shoes and grabbing his jacket.
Uruha saw it happening as if it was in slow motion, and he had no idea how he'd ended up in the hallway. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, to stop Kai from leaving, but the look on Kai's face made all the words freeze to ice and his glare shattering them before he could form them properly.
Kai grabbed the door handle and then turned back to Uruha. He took something out of his jacket pocket. "You can have this back," he growled, "I don't want it anymore." With that he threw the object on the floor, in Uruha's direction, and was gone, slamming the door behind him.
Uruha slowly sank down to the floor. He couldn't think. He felt, but the emotions were so far away that he could barely make sense of them. Then his gaze fell upon the small metal object close to his knee. A key. It was a key. The key to his apartment.
A dam burst inside him and pain crashed down over him, tearing through him and breaking everything that he was, crushing him under its weight and making it impossible to breathe. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he didn't notice, could only see the key, abandoned on the floor. Just like he was. It had all been a lie, Kai had said. Kai had pretended to love him? All that they'd done together, all the time they'd spent together... All a lie.
Uruha didn't know how long he sat there, but he finally managed to get his phone out and pressed the number to Reita. He couldn't handle this himself; he needed someone to talk to. The call went straight to voicemail. Uruha tried Ruki's number instead.
"Yeah, hello?"
"R--uki."
"Uruha?" Uruha made a pitiful, strangled sound. "What's up?" Ruki was alert at once.
"He's... gone." Uruha tried to say more, but he couldn't get the words past the lump in his throat and the tears started again. He sobbed and tried to get his breathing calmer so he could try to explain.
"He's gone? Who's gone? Kai?!" Uruha tried to reply, but Ruki cut him off. "Stay where you are! I'm coming over. I have to hang up to call a cab, but don't go anywhere, don't do anything, okay!"
Uruha nodded mutely and listened to the beep of the disconnected line. As another crashing wave of nauseating emotions flooded him, he wished for the earlier numbness to come back. It was strange to hurt so much and to still be in one piece. He should be bleeding, skin slashed and torn, his ribcage opened and his blood and guts smeared over the walls and the floor... because it felt like it was.
There was a banging on the door, then Ruki was there, sitting on the floor in front of Uruha. Uruha couldn't see him clearly through the tears, but he could hear him and he could feel the warmth of his hands, the smell of his cologne.
"Uruha... What happened?" Ruki hesitated, then folded Uruha into his arms, hugging him tightly. "He's gone?"
Uruha nodded against Ruki's shoulder.
"He's not hurt or dead or fallen off the balcony or anything?"
Uruha shook his head. "He left," he managed to croak.
Ruki stroked Uruha's hair. "He left you?" Another nod. "It'll be all right. I promise..."
Uruha let Ruki soothe him and didn't protest, even though he knew nothing would be all right again.
The bottle was empty, and finally a little of the pain was gone. Uruha pushed himself up from the sofa and shuffled into the bathroom, shedding his clothes on the way. He stepped into the shower and while the hot water flowed over him, he willed it to wash away his emotions too, wash him clean on the inside as well.
**
As usual, they started by laying down the drum parts. Kai took a lot of time to get his kit set up as he wanted it, and worked through each part of the song, practising first and then, when he felt he had the flow of it, recording it. Little by little, the foundation of the new song was being put into place.
Uruha knew he didn't really have to be in the studio yet, but he'd always been around for most part of the songs before, and he was not about to change that habit now. He'd been working hard on this song, and he was not going to abandon Ruki with it. As they worked, the song filled out from the pre-process copy they'd arrived with.
At Aoi's insistence, Uruha was working on a solo for it. Aoi hadn't said why he didn't want to play one, but Uruha accepted it. He knew that Aoi would grab a solo when he felt it was his. The song had turned into a good one, and Uruha liked the touches of aggressiveness in it. It was like it was pulling up his own anger and disappointment... and he'd been floored when he'd read the lyrics Ruki had written for it.
He could find lines in there that resonated with things that he felt, even though he knew that Ruki had had something completely different in mind when writing them. But Uruha could take those bits and he played his guitar with those words echoing in his head and his heart. The sound technicians were patient with him, and after a few takes, he had it down, the solo laughing in the face of his pain.
Afterwards, Ruki smiled at him. "That was great! It's just what I had in mind."
Just a few more days, and they would be done with the entire single.
**
Uruha didn't know whose idea it had been, going out to celebrate finishing the recording. There was still the matter of editing and mastering and a cover and probably a dozen other things that went into making a single that he couldn't remember before it was actually done. But he found himself at a table in a small club full of mostly music-business related people - musicians and roadies and a producer or two, and a few women who looked more like hostesses than fans. They could be both, of course. Uruha was always a little wary of them, because he knew how easily rumours got started, especially if you turned them down.
They were all sitting around table, drinks in front of them, light discussion of that day's last work in the studio in the air between them. Uruha was only listening with half an ear, sipping his shouchuu.
"We need new looks again," Aoi said with a grin.
"Urgh, don't remind me!" Reita laughed. "I'm running out of ideas!"
Ruki grinned. "I'm not. I have lots of ideas."
"Why am I not surprised?" Reita replied, poking him in the shoulder. "But what about you, Aoi? Are you going to lose the pink now?"
"No way!!" Aoi looked shocked at the mere thought. He combed his fingers through his bright pink hair. "I'm keeping this."
"The look for the single has to be easy to merge into the looks we decided on for the fc tour," Ruki pointed out. "We still have them ahead of us..." He looked a little unhappy with this fact, and Uruha put his arm around Ruki's shoulders.
"They're just postponed. It'll be fine."
Ruki sighed, but flashed Uruha a smile. "I know. It's just... I don't like causing trouble for people like that, rescheduling things."
"I know." Uruha pulled his arm back and refilled his glass. "But it's not our fault." It was no one's fault really, Uruha thought. You just couldn't argue with Mother Nature. At least they'd had their anniversary live before that earthquake disaster struck. It sort of made him feel a little guilty though... But maybe it was a good thing that they'd been able to bring fun and joy to a lot of people, because there wasn't much fun and joy to be had now, with all the worrying and the dead or lost people and the damages. With the fan club lives later, maybe they could make people forget the harsh reality for a few hours.
For a little while, it felt almost like the old days, the five of them together - the old days before Uruha had confessed his feelings for Kai and they'd started going out. The old days when they were all friends (some of them with a few benefits). Kai didn't speak directly to Uruha, but Uruha could ignore that as long as they were all talking.
However, Kai suddenly excused himself and got up, crossing the room to greet one of the young ladies that had just entered the club, and Uruha felt a stab to his chest. He watched as Kai gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, and the knife was twisted to open the wound more. It was quiet around the table.
"Um," Reita said, as if their conversation had been harpooned like a fish at sea, flopping desperately to survive.
"I need something to drink," Uruha mumbled and didn't protest when Aoi called for a new bottle to be brought to their table.
The other three started haltingly to talk about something again - games, other bands' new releases, their worries about the nuclear plant and the state of the government - while Uruha drank in silence. Whatever Aoi had ordered tasted nice, and he didn't object when Aoi refilled his glass for him. After a while, Uruha chanced a glance in Kai's direction over by the bar, and his fingers tightened around his glass.
Kai was anything but discreet, and the young woman didn't seem to mind at all to have her handsome boyfriend pressed up against her, one arm around her waist and the other god knows where. Uruha growled and turned away from the scene. He really needed something to drink, before he fell apart completely, and wouldn't that add to the spectacle?
Aoi happily matched him, glass for glass, as the conversation picked up again and Uruha welcomed the buzz and the growing carelessness and partial emotional numbness the alcohol gave him. When one of Aoi's friends came over to talk to him a bit, and Reita was off to the toilet, Ruki looked at Uruha.
"Are you okay?" he asked, leaning close to be heard over the din.
"Mm," Uruha tried to assure him, doing his best to ignore Kai and his girlfriend, holding hands and kissing. Kai practically had his tongue jammed down her throat. Fuck it. Uruha could kiss too! He was even good at it, he knew. He grabbed Ruki and pressed their lips together. When Ruki didn't pull back, Uruha grew bolder and teased his lips with the tip of his tongue, feeling them part for him. Ruki tasted nice, a hint of orange mixed with tobacco.
Uruha felt, rather than heard, Ruki moan, and he put his hand on Ruki's thigh. It felt good, touching someone again, and Uruha got a little lost in the kiss, their tongues dancing slowly around each other. When he pulled back, Ruki looked as dazed as Uruha felt, lips red and glistening with saliva.
Uruha slid his hand higher on Ruki's leg, squeezing it lightly. "Come home with me," he murmured in Ruki's ear, and Ruki nodded, his hand moving to Uruha's waist.
They slipped out of the club and managed to get a taxi after only a few minutes. They got into the car, and Uruha gave the driver his address. Ruki looked at him and grinned as he slid his hand over Uruha's thigh.
"I can be quiet," he murmured against Uruha's ear. "Can you?"
Uruha nodded. "I've shared buses and rooms with you guys enough to learn." He palmed Ruki's cock through his jeans, rubbing lightly.
"Me too," Ruki said, and Uruha wondered how many times they'd both been masturbating at the same time without even knowing it. The thought sent a tingle down his spine.
Uruha had to practice his restraint when Ruki slipped his hand in under his shirt to tease and pinch one of his nipples. They were sensitive, and within moments, Uruha's cock was straining against the denim, begging to be released. He could feel Ruki's cock fill out his trousers too, growing hard and hot under his hand. The taxi driver threw a look at them in the rear-view mirror, and Uruha realised that maybe they were being too quiet. Silence could be suspicious as well.
"Work went well," he said awkwardly and squeezed Ruki's cock through the fabric.
Ruki hummed, maybe in pleasure, maybe in response. "Yeah, the project is almost done. Not much we can do about it right now." He slid his hand down to Uruha's groin and rubbed his hand over the bulge he found there, fingers sliding down over Uruha's balls.
"Still," Uruha said, "not much time left over for rest." Uruha had no idea what he was saying, but as long as it covered what they were doing, he didn't care.
"Mm, we needed a night out." Ruki found the zipper in Uruha's jeans and tugged teasingly at the pull. It would have been so hot if he'd actually done it, opened the zipper and pulled Uruha's cock free - dangerous and lewd and obscene, but Uruha knew they couldn't. They didn't want to be thrown out of the cab, after all. So he kept facing forward while teasing Ruki, tracing the outline of his cock with his fingers. Ruki leaned his head back and little puffs of breath fell from his lips as Uruha rubbed his hand over the bulge.
When they were finally at Uruha's place, they were both hard as rock and desperate to get each other's clothes off. Ruki paid the driver and then they were out and up the stairs and inside Uruha's apartment.
They stumbled towards the bedroom in the darkness, Uruha more than a little unsteady on his legs. Not unsteady enough though to not be able to catch Ruki when he tripped on a bottle and almost fell over. The bottle rolled in under Uruha's bed while they were both laughing and taking this as another opportunity to feel each other up.
They fell into the bed, half undressed, and Uruha tried to pull Ruki's jeans off while still kissing. Eventually, he gave up and pulled away to get Ruki naked, taking the opportunity to undress himself as well, then he pushed Ruki back down on the bed and lay down on top of him.
Ruki looked up at him, a naughty smile playing on his lips. "Fuck me," he whispered and brought his hands down to Uruha's arse, pulling him closer and rubbing their cocks together.
"Mm, that's exactly what I had in mind," Uruha replied and then crawled down to settle between Ruki's legs. Ruki's cock was hard and eager, a drop of pre-come travelling down the head when he took it in his hand. Uruha licked it off and, accompanied by Ruki's deep moans, swirled his tongue around the head before closing his lips around it.
Ruki tasted salty and a little musky, and Uruha moaned at the heady feel of having a cock in his mouth again. He missed it. He missed sex and closeness. He missed Kai, but he quickly tried to kill that thought and focused on making Ruki moan, losing himself in the sensations. While sucking and licking, Uruha slowly stroked his own cock, humming around the hard shaft in his mouth. It was so smooth and silky, yet hard like steel underneath, and Ruki made the sexiest sounds - sounds that would have made the most perverted fangirl blush, Uruha was sure.
He pulled away, and Ruki groaned in disappointment. "Just getting the lube," Uruha whispered and reached for the tube on the bedside table. Then he realised that he'd need a condom too, and quickly opened the drawer to get the old pack he had stashed there. He scanned the date on the box, and then pulled one out.
"Mmm, responsible," Ruki commented and grinned, one arm folded under his head.
"Shut up." Uruha grinned back and squirted lube over his fingers before ducking down to take Ruki into his mouth again.
"Ah! Oh fuck, Uruha... Your mouth... so fucking good," Ruki moaned and spread his legs, bending them at the knees, exposing himself to Uruha.
Uruha hummed again, quietly pleased that someone was enjoying his oral skills... He rubbed two slick fingers over Ruki's entrance, feeling the sensitive pucker twitch at the touch, and then slowly started pushing them inside.
"God, yes!" Ruki lifted his hips slightly, pushing against Uruha's fingers, which slipped deeper into him with very little resistance.
Uruha tried to coordinate his actions, taking Ruki's cock deep into his mouth at the same time as he was pushing his fingers into him, pulling away at the same time as well. It didn't take long before Ruki was a squirming mess of incoherent growls and moans. It had been a long time since they'd last done this - not since Uruha had got together with Kai - but there was no need to ask, Uruha knew Ruki was long past ready.
When he withdrew his fingers and let Ruki slip out of his mouth, Ruki just moaned and pulled his knees up with his hands, spreading his legs ever wider. After a little fumbling, Uruha got the condom out of the wrapper and rolled it on. A little more lube later, and he was pushing his cock against Ruki's hole.
As soon as he started to slide inside, Ruki wrapped his legs around Uruha's hips. "Nnnghhnnn... yeah... oh fuck yes..." Ruki groaned and grabbed Uruha's shoulders, making Uruha feel like he was completely wrapped inside Ruki. "Oh yeah, fuck me... Fuck me hard."
Ruki raised his head to try to kiss Uruha, and Uruha didn't resist, losing himself quickly in the sensations. Ruki was tight, hugging his cock snuggly as Uruha thrust deep and hard into him, his mouth eager and hungry as well, and for the first time in months, Uruha felt like he was wanted, desired, needed... His thrusts became faster, egged on by the sounds Ruki made, the way he was clinging to Uruha, tightening his legs around him. The intense pleasure was almost overwhelming, but somehow, Uruha still found the sense to wrap one hand around Ruki's cock, pumping it in his fist as he himself was getting closer and closer.
"U--ru-- com-- ing-- I-- 'ruha!" Ruki tensed like a bow against Uruha, jumbled fractions of words forced out between gasps, and then he let out a long deep moan as he came, pulling Uruha with him over the edge.
They were gasping against each other, Ruki's breath hot on Uruha's neck. After a few moments, Ruki released his hold on Uruha and lowered his legs after Uruha pulled out. Uruha rolled over on his back, pulling the condom off and dropping it on the floor.
Uruha felt dizzy. He didn't know if it was because he was still drunk, or if it was because he'd just come. Maybe a bit of both? He knew he'd needed this, though, to feel someone's body against his own, to feel pleasure again... So why did he feel so empty now? He should be content, blissed out in post-orgasm bliss, not feeling like shit, like something was missing. Kai, a tiny voice in the back of his mind said, and Uruha tried to push the thought away. It wasn't fair to Ruki, he thought. But the harder he tried to not think about Kai, the clearer the mental image of him became, the more his chest tightened and his eyes stung with tears.
Uruha turned away, not wanting Ruki to see. Better if he just thought that Uruha was falling asleep, drunk and sated after sex. Yeah...
But Ruki moved closer, pressing his chest to Uruha's back, wrapping his arms tightly around him, and held him close. So close that Uruha couldn't hold back the tears. His body shook with quiet sobs, but Ruki said nothing, just held him and stroked his hair until he fell into a restless sleep.
**
At first, Uruha didn't know why he'd woken up, but then he heard someone move around in the room, the rustle of clothes and the sound of a zipper being pulled up. His head felt terrible and his tongue tasted like roadkill. He turned over and carefully opened his eyes.
"Hey, I didn't mean to wake you up," Ruki rasped.
"Mmffnnn..." Uruha groaned. He tried to remember what had happened the night before and winced as he realised he'd fallen apart in front of Ruki.
"I'd stay," Ruki said as he hopped on one foot, pulling on a sock, "but I have a design meeting this morning."
"Wh'time'sit?"
"Nine."
Uruha groaned again, then looked up as Ruki sat down on the edge of the bed. Ruki smiled and leaned down to kiss him softly.
"Go back to sleep. You look like you need it."
Uruha nodded. "Hey, about last night..." He frowned and wondered how the hell he could even begin to apologise for that.
Ruki shook his head. "It's okay. Don't worry about it. You're not over him yet, I understand. It was good anyway." He grinned and gave Uruha's hip a light slap. "I'm certainly feeling very well-fucked. It'll give me something nice to think about while I'm at the meeting."
After Ruki left, it took Uruha about five minutes to fall asleep again.
There was a slight lull in activity while the single was being mastered and all the last little preparations for the shooting of the promotional video were being made, and Uruha took the opportunity to shut himself away from the others for a bit. But then Ruki emailed one day and suggested a meeting, a casual get-together to discuss the upcoming schedule with rehearsals and photo shoots, and to just hang out. Uruha wasn't too keen on that last bit. He didn't mind seeing his friends, and sometimes it was what he needed to take his mind off things, but if Ruki had gathered the whole band, then it meant that Kai would be there too.
Uruha sighed and emailed back, asking when and where. He'd rather not go, but it was about the band, so he had no choice. He'd caused enough little inconveniences for the others already, being late, being unable to write any good songs, causing tension... He knew Kai would be in a bad mood as soon as Uruha showed up, and he just didn't know what to do about it. He couldn't use his old ways of cheering him up any longer - no kisses, no promises of a good time later, no teasing, smiling at him didn't help, and no amount of slipping him a coffee or a soda or something else would help either, he suspected. It would be easier if he knew why Kai was always angry with him, because then he could try to change it.
As it was, it felt like it was all his fault, but hell if he knew what he'd done wrong, and it was making him doubt everything he was, everything he was feeling and had ever felt, and everything that maybe Kai had felt for him once.
It fucking hurt.
He dragged himself into the shower to get ready, mostly on autopilot. It was just part of the ritual of going to work. Get clean, brush teeth, get dressed, get painkillers for the hangover... and if he knew he was going too meet Kai, have a drink before leaving. Numb that weird trembling in his chest and try to warm up the coldness bordering on nausea in his stomach.
It was the same today, apart from the fact that they didn't really have 'work' lined up for the day. Ruki had said he wanted them to discuss looks and plans, and what to dream for next. Uruha had had two dreams - they'd reached one, and the other had walked out on him. It was enough to make Uruha consider staying at home, pretending he was sick. It wouldn't be fair on the others though, so he took another drink instead.
Uruha reached for his car keys, then hesitated. He'd barely sobered up by the time he got up, and then he'd had two drinks... With a sigh, he reached for his phone instead and called a taxi.
He got out of the taxi on the main street, then turned a corner to walk the last bit. The others were gathered outside the building, no doubt waiting for him. Apparently he wasn't later than they'd expected, because he was met by smiles and greetings, and a silent ignoring by Kai. Uruha looked at him for a moment, wondering if maybe he should try to just greet him as a fellow band mate, or a friend, but the closed look on Kai's face made it pretty clear it wouldn't be welcome.
"Where's your car?" Reita asked.
"Um... It broke down," Uruha said quietly. "So I took a taxi."
"Oh? Need some help fixing it?"
Uruha knew Reita enjoyed working on his own car, taking it apart and putting it together again, proud at how he could do things like that himself. It was usually a good thing, except when it threatened to reveal Uruha's little white lie. "No, it's okay. It's already in the shop. They said they would have it done in a few days."
"Okay, we need to get some things first," Ruki said, looking determined and apparently set on taking control of their little not-quite-a-meeting. He pointed across the street. "Konbini first!"
Kai looked at Ruki.
"What? There's no one around to even bring us tea or coffee today," Ruki countered the unspoken question. "Better to get things now so we don't have to run out later to get something to eat."
They all stepped inside the shop and each wandered around a bit, finding things they might want to snack on. When they gathered at the check-out, they had enough to feed them for days, Uruha thought, two bags' worth of candy, ready to eat food, and beverages. Ruki divided it between them, handing one bag to Aoi and the other to Uruha, and they were on their way back to the office.
The building was quiet, the lights off, and Aoi had to unlock the front door for them. For a moment, Uruha wondered if this part of town was on electricity saving status that day, but the lights came on with a press of a button, so apparently it was just that they were the only ones stupid enough to work that day, or they were the first to arrive.
The elevator was also already down on the ground floor so Kai stepped inside quickly, apparently eager to start the meeting after the time-consuming detour to the konbini, Reita and Uruha following.
"Ah!" Ruki suddenly exclaimed, stopping between the doors. "I forgot something in your car, Reita. Can you help me carry it?" He took a step back, holding his arms out a bit. "It's kind of big." Reita nodded and got out again.
Before Aoi could sidestep Ruki and get into the elevator, the doors closed. "You go on ahead," Uruha heard him call out and then the elevator jerked into motion. Someone had already hit the button to their floor, and he was alone with Kai.
Uruha discreetly pressed up against the wall as far away from Kai as possible, not interested in crowding him. Kai was silent. As usual. Uruha sighed silently, and looked up to see what floor they were on, when the elevator jerked again and came to a shuddering halt at the same time as the lights cut out.
"Eh? What was that?" Uruha moved to where he knew the door was and felt around for the buttons, pressing them randomly.
"Stop it," Kai said irritably from behind him. "It won't help."
Uruha turned instinctively towards him, but just then the emergency lights came on, and he immediately dropped his gaze and went back to his corner. This was a nightmare, he decided. Not only was he alone with Kai, he was also trapped with him. Cramped places didn't usually bother him, but this was a bit too much. Small, suffocating, dark, and intensely awkward.
A thumping echoed outside the elevator, reaching them a bit muffled. "Hello? Kai? Uruha? Are you okay?" It was Ruki.
Kai went up to the door, cupping a hand around his mouth. "Yeah!" he shouted. "What happened? Is it another earthquake?"
"No, just some kind of electrical failure! Elevator is stuck." That was Reita now.
"We noticed," Kai replied. Apparently he hadn't completely lost his humour, or maybe it was the sarcasm he'd come to use more and more lately. "Call for help!"
"Okay! Doing that now! Just sit tight, we'll try to fix it!"
After that Reita was silent, and Uruha could only hope that they'd find a janitor or get someone from the elevator company as quickly as possible. He slid down the wall to sit on the floor, not caring if it was dirty. It wasn't like he was wearing anything nice anyway. "It's Saturday," he said quietly.
"So?" Kai snapped, and Uruha winced inwardly, regretting that he'd said anything.
"Fewer people work on Saturdays..."
Kai sighed. "Yeah, well. They'll find someone." He sat down on the floor as well, the bag with snacks between them.
**
When the elevator stopped before they'd reached their floor, Kai got a sinking feeling in his stomach. Great, just great! he thought, eyes darting lightning-quick in Uruha's direction and then forward again. He could hear Uruha move, the frantic pushing of buttons, and a flare of anger rose up in him.
"Stop it," he said, keeping his anger in check because he knew that as inconvenient as this was, it wasn't actually Uruha's fault. "It won't help," he added.
After their friends had assured them through the door and god knows how many metres of elevator shaft that they were trying to get help for them, Kai sighed and sat down on the floor. No point in standing. He had no idea for how long they'd be trapped so why not be as comfortable as possible?
The emergency light was weak, and had a strange redness to it - as if a red light would actually calm anyone in this kind of situation. It was the stupidest thing ever, Kai thought. He wished Uruha hadn't reminded him that it was weekend and likely to take some time to find someone who could help. He stole a glance at Uruha who was sitting on the floor too, knees bent and arms resting on them, head hanging between his arms. He didn't look comfortable with the situation either.
The silence spread out between them, and Kai realised that this was the first time they'd been together alone, just the two of them, since he'd stormed out of Uruha's apartment. That didn't make the silence any less awkward or less heavy. Kai looked at his watch. 20 minutes already. How long was this going to take?
With a sigh, he reached into the bag and took out a bottle of water and a box of chocolate Pucca, ripping it open and holding it out to Uruha after he'd taken a handful himself. Uruha accepted the box silently and ate a few of the little chocolate-filled pretzels, then got a bottle of coke out of the bag to wash them down.
An hour and two onigiri each later, Uruha took a deep breath. "Can I ask you something?" he asked quietly, one hand fingering one of the rings on the other.
Kai grunted an affirmative.
"Why do you hate me?" Uruha's voice was barely more than a whisper.
Kai stared at him. Hate him? Kai knew there was no love between them any longer (he refused to acknowledge the bitter ache in his heart), but there was no reason for Uruha to believe he hated him, right?
"What do you mean?"
Uruha swallowed audibly and took a deep breath, still not looking at Kai. "I know I did something to make you hate me... I mean, you left... just like that..." He turned the ring on his finger around and around, the movement almost hypnotic. "But I don't know what it was, and I thought it might be easier if I knew. Not easier, maybe, but... Maybe I can move on if I know?" Uruha stopped fiddling with his ring and lowered his head. "Or something. I don't know." His voice faltered and faded, and Kai had to strain his ears to hear his words. "I'm sorry. Forget that I asked."
Kai kept looking at Uruha, trying to make sense of what he'd said. Uruha wanted to move on? But, he had moved on already, even before Kai had left him, hadn't he?
"I don't hate you," Kai replied finally, holding on to the actual question Uruha had asked. "Why do you think I do?"
The look on Uruha's face was hard to read, half-hidden as it was behind a curtain of hair, but he raised his head just a fraction. "When you left..." he whispered. "You said you were tired of pretending, of pretending to love me..." Uruha took a shaky breath and clenched both hands into fists. "I knew we had problems, but I thought we were going to talk about them when things settled down, and we had more time, when we had time to find our way back... I didn't know you wanted out. I didn't see that you'd stopped loving me... I didn't-- I..." A small sob broke free and Uruha fell quiet, his forced calm breaths the only thing that broke the silence, since Kai had stopped breathing.
"Uruha?"
"I've tried-- I've tried to stop loving you," Uruha whispered, voice strangely thick. "I really have, but... I thought, it might be easier if I knew what I did wrong, if I knew why you started hating me, and then I could stop... But now you say you don't hate me and I am even more confused." He spoke quickly, as if afraid that if he didn't, the words would get stuck on the way. "I'm sorry," he said then, his voice cracking.
Kai kept staring at Uruha, his heart sinking and a terrible cold settling in his stomach. Uruha was trying to stop loving him now?! He... he thought Kai had left him because Kai had stopped loving him?
"Oh fuck..." Kai's whisper echoed between the metal walls. Ruki had said something about him being an idiot for leaving Uruha when Uruha loved him so much, and Kai had just growled at Ruki, telling him he clearly knew nothing about Uruha. Maybe Ruki understood things better than Kai gave him credit for? He scooted a little closer to Uruha, putting one hand on the bag between them.
Uruha moved away a bit when Kai got closer. "I won't bother you again about this," he said quickly. "I-- I want you to be happy, and I hope you are. With her. I just... you know... I used to hope I could make you happy. But," he added, "it wasn't meant to be, right? You're happier now... You can have a family and all that... All that stuff."
Uruha was babbling nervously, and Kai could see straight through it to the pain that was lying underneath every word. It reminded him of the look he'd seen in Uruha's eyes when he'd glared at him as he'd thrown his key on the floor and slammed the door behind him. He'd refused to see what it was then, told himself that it was nothing but surprise, and maybe a little bit of shock, nothing more. But now...
"Uruha." Uruha didn't move, didn't say anything, but his hands were trembling and his shoulders shaking. "Look at me." There was no reaction from Uruha. "Look at me," Kai repeated, more firmly, pushing the bag away so he could move closer.
Uruha slowly raised his head, first looking at the wall in front of him, and Kai could see the tremble in his lips, the clenching of his jaw as he tried hard to not cry. He'd seen it before, last time having been at the tour final a few months earlier, under the spotlights of Tokyo Dome. Uruha had lost the battle then, and he was losing it now a well, tears running unbidden down his cheek.
"I'm sorry," Kai said then, the only thing he could think of to say. Ruki was right after all. He'd been such an idiot! How could he have just walked out without even talking to Uruha, without affirming that his suspicions had been correct? He'd just assumed they were, so certain of it that he hadn't even bothered to say why he left. He'd just thought Uruha knew what he was talking about.
Uruha turned to look at him, confusion written on his face. "Eh?" He looked down at Kai's hand, resting on his arm. "What?"
"Do you--" Kai took a deep breath to steady himself. "Do you still love me?"
Uruha nodded sadly. "I'm sorry."
"No!" Kai said vehemently, and immediately calmed down when Uruha flinched. "No," he said in a softer voice, squeezing Uruha's arm. "Never apologise for loving someone, Uruha."
Uruha nodded and swallowed against his tears.
"Don't apologise for loving me." Kai tried to smile at him, but he could feel that it was strained. Was it too late to fix this, he wondered. Did he even have a right to try?
"But you don't want me to love y--" Uruha started, trying to explain, and Kai pressed his lips to Uruha's to shut him up.
There was a small whimper from Uruha, and when Kai pulled back, a look of stunned shock on his face.
Kai sighed, guilt starting to ooze up inside him, curling around his limbs and making them feel heavy and cold. "I think I made a mistake," he said quietly, holding Uruha's gaze.
Uruha nodded, barely noticeable. "I know..." He looked away and sucked at his lower lip for a second, as if wanting to taste the last bit of Kai lingering there. "We'll pretend it didn't happen. I'm not going to tell her you kissed me."
"What?" For a second, Kai had no idea what Uruha was talking about. Then he realised what Uruha meant and that this was not going to get solved as easily as just with a kiss. "No, I didn't mean the kiss. The kiss was the first thing I've done right in a long time."
**
Uruha could still feel the warm touch of Kai's lips against his own, like a faint tingle, a phantom sensation. It had shocked him, made his heart burst into a thousand tiny pieces all over again. He was both happy that it had happened and sad at the same time. It was an infinitely better parting memory than the horrible sight of Kai's angry face and the door slamming closed, but it also hurt to remember what they'd had, all the happy times together. Bitter-sweet. That's what it was called, wasn't it? But it felt like it wasn't enough to describe the feeling inside him. It was painful rather than bitter. Torture-pleasure?
Kai had said he'd made a mistake, and Uruha knew he had. Maybe he would never find out why Kai had left or why he'd just kissed him, but he had to go on living, regardless. At least they were talking now, so maybe the strain on the band would be less from now on. They had so much they had to do! Lives and singles and a PV and several photo shoots...
"We'll pretend it didn't happen," he said quietly and rubbed at his face, angry at the tears. "I'm not going to tell her you kissed me." Of course he wouldn't. He wanted Kai to be happy, even if it wasn't with him. He would never destroy Kai's new relationship, no matter how much he was hurting. He wasn't that kind of person.
"What?" Kai's hand squeezed Uruha's arm again. "No, I didn't mean the kiss. The kiss was the first thing I've done right in a long time."
Uruha looked at Kai again. The words Kai had just said failed to make any sense to him. How could it be right when Kai was together with someone else? It had been a pity kiss, hadn't it? At least something to be grateful to the tears for, the stupid tears that he'd vowed to never let Kai see.
But Kai was leaning closer again and before Uruha could find anything to say, Kai's lips were pressed against his own once more, soft and warm and slightly moist, and oh god, Uruha couldn't hold back the shameful whimper.
He knew he shouldn't, but he parted his lips eagerly as soon as he felt the tip of Kai's tongue against them. Another whimper broke free as Kai deepened the kiss - his tongue sliding against Uruha's, teasing and tasting. Uruha didn't notice that he grabbed Kai's shirt and shoulder, holding on to him as if his life depended upon it. The kiss blocked all thoughts and all that remained were Kai's lips, Kai's breath, the heat of his body, the muscles in his shoulder flexing when he moved closer, the knee that dug into Uruha's thigh... and the overwhelming arousal that spread all through Uruha.
Uruha gasped when Kai broke the kiss for a moment. Was this really happening? Maybe it was a dream after all - a nightmare turned into an erotic dream - and he was going to wake up any moment, back in his bed, having to get up and get ready for the meeting?
"I broke up with her a few days ago," Kai mumbled and then his lips were back on Uruha's mouth.
Uruha's last defence broke at Kai's words, and he didn't care anymore why Kai suddenly showed interest in him again. It didn't matter, not at that moment. He knew he'd probably regret it later, the pain of losing Kai twice probably too much to bear, but he couldn't think about that, couldn't stop his body from wanting and needing to feel Kai one more time.
His hand slid in under Kai's shirt, moving over flat stomach and soft skin. When Kai pushed him down on the floor he didn't resist, instead wrapping his arms around Kai and moaning as Kai's mouth latched onto the side of his neck - licking, kissing, biting...
The kisses grew more heated, and Uruha clung desperately to Kai. Kai pushed his legs apart and settled his hips between them, growling against the abused skin of Uruha's neck before claiming his mouth again. Uruha moaned when Kai rolled his hips, grinding his very noticeable erection against Uruha's.
"Oh god," he gasped. "Kai..." He bucked up under Kai, tried to get more of that delicious friction and he felt as if his entire body was on fire. Uruha pulled at Kai's shirt first, then gave that up as unnecessary, and tried instead to get one hand between them to get Kai's jeans open. But Kai had already had that idea, and their hands tangled as they tried to unbuckle belts and pull zippers down.
The frantic need gave Uruha a flashback to other times - backstage fumbling with live-exhausted hands and arousal fuelled by adrenaline coursing through their bodies, the rushed grinding and hot kisses to tide them over until they reached the hotel. "Please..." he whispered, begging for the moment to not end, for Kai to not remember who he was and where they were, to not stop.
He almost cried out when he felt Kai's cock against his own, hard and hot. Kai rocked his hips, rubbing their cocks together, and Uruha's moans grew louder against Kai's lips. Uruha wrapped his legs around Kai's thighs and laced his fingers through Kai's hair, holding him close while writhing and trying desperately to put all these sensations into his memory.
Kai growled into the kiss, nipping at Uruha's upper lip, and the sound of his voice, dark and feral, sent a shiver down Uruha's spine, straight down to his balls. Uruha drew a sharp breath when his hair was pulled suddenly and Kai's thrusts against his body grew more desperate. Uruha knew this, knew that Kai was getting close to coming, and even though he didn't want it to stop, his body didn't care. The friction was eased by their combined pre-come now and Uruha felt his toes curl as his release loomed closer, undeniable and demanding. "K-- Kai..."
With a loud moan, Kai tensed up and raised his head to gasp for air. Uruha forced his eyes open to watch as Kai came, kiss-swollen lips parted and brow knitted in focused attention. But as soon as those features relaxed again, Kai sneaked a hand between them and started stroking Uruha.
The look in Kai's eyes was so intense that Uruha had to look away. He groaned as Kai tightened his hand a little more, twisted it just so and, knowing exactly how to please Uruha, brought him to completion in no time.
Their breaths sounded harsh and loud in the confined space, and Uruha's heart was thumping loud enough that he was sure Kai must be able to hear it. Despite the wonderful feeling of post-orgasm bliss, a mist of sadness settled over him, and he kept his eyes closed, scared of looking at Kai now. If he opened them, the moment would end, lost forever. And he wasn't sure he could deal with that yet. What did Kai think of him? Did he... He'd said he'd broken up with the girl, so did he want to be fuck buddies with Uruha now? God... Uruha almost choked on a sob at the thought. Could he handle that?
His jumbled thoughts were interrupted by a loud banging that resonated through the elevator shaft. "Hello? Are you still alive in there?" Reita had returned.
Kai and Uruha quickly disentangled from each other, all legs and smeared come.
"Yeah!" Kai shouted back, sticking his clean hand into the bag. He pulled out the pack of paper napkins that Ruki the neat-freak had insisted on buying, just in case their snacks would give them sticky fingers. They came in very handy now, and Kai tore the package open with his teeth and pulled out a few to clean his hand. "We're still here. Not gone anywhere..." He gave Uruha a quick smile, and something inside Uruha's chest started to warm up.
"Oh? You haven't managed to escape yet?" Reita shouted and then laughed. "What kind of a leader are you?"
"A trapped one!"
"Not for much longer! Help is here, and we'll have you free in no time!"
Uruha and Kai looked at each other, and there was a mad scramble for more napkins to wipe the worst of the come off themselves and to adjust their clothing. "Shit," Kai mumbled and quickly put the opened box of snacks and bottles of water and soda, together with the wads of soiled napkins, back into the bag.
Uruha combed his fingers through his hair and tried to look as composed as he could when the lights came back on and the elevator shuddered into motion again. The elevator returned to the ground floor, and when the doors slid open Ruki, Reita, and Aoi stood there, smiling and looking very relieved.
Kai stepped forward first, smiling at them. "Hey, what took you so long?"
"Well," Ruki said. "Apparently it's Saturday and the janitor had a day off, so we had to get the elevator guys to come instead and they had a job somewhere else first... You're welcome, by the way."
Kai laughed. "Thank you. Really, I mean it."
Reita and Aoi exchanged a look but didn't say anything. Instead, Reita looked around Kai at Uruha. "You okay?" he asked, a worried look on his face.
Uruha nodded, still feeling a bit dazed. "Yeah," he said quietly, not sure he could trust his voice with a longer reply.
"It's late now," Kai said as he stepped out of the elevator, Uruha following, their bag of used goods in one hand. "I think we should postpone the meeting. We're not exactly in the mood now..." he said vaguely.
Ruki nodded. "Yeah, I can understand that. Fucking elevators. We can meet up on Monday instead?"
Aoi sneaked up behind them, putting one arm over Kai's shoulders, the other over Uruha's. "My place, Monday, at 12. Think you can make it?"
"Sure!" Kai said cheerfully, and Uruha nodded. When Aoi pulled away, Kai looked at Uruha. "You didn't take the car, right? I'll give you a ride home."
Uruha nodded again, his heart in his throat. After a short nod to the others, he hurried after Kai to the parking lot. At least it looked like Kai had stopped being angry at him, and maybe they could be friends again. Uruha still felt a little light-headed after the surprise orgasm and the forced normalcy (with their mixed come drying on his skin) in front of their friends. With a small sigh, he leaned back in the passenger seat of Kai's car and closed his eyes. He knew he was an idiot for hoping that things might get better between them again, but god, he wanted it so much.
part 2
This entry was originally posted at http://ldybastet.dreamwidth.org/609721.html.
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