Friday Five
Haven't done one of these in a long time... but this week it's about phobias. Hah!
Phobias
1. What phobia do you have?
I have a weirdass phobia that is a cousin or something of agoraphobia (fear of open spaces): I have a phobia for new and unfamiliar places/spaces. So, travelling is intensely horrible and panicky for me. Places like airports and train stations are always in flux with so many people that nothing is ever familiar there, so just the thought of going to one sends me into anxiety and panic attacks. Sadly, my favourite place in the world is London! I don't live in London. I don't even live in the UK. So, air travel is rather necessary to go there. :(
When I was a kid, I was terrified of going to my class mates' homes if I had to take the bus or something... Too unfamiliar, too scary, too much of "OMG! I can't find my way home ever again! *flail*". I still did it though, sometimes, and I still do go to London, sometimes. But I live in a constant state of panic for weeks before. Frustratingly, this also made it next to impossible for me to take out the garbage when they built this special little house for the garbage cans. *facepalm* It's better now, but it's still a bit of a battle to convince myself to do it. Generally, if I sit inside for too long, anything that is not my home starts to be affected by this phobia, until I'm terrified of even going out to take the mail in from the letterbox by the street. *sigh* Hikkikomori material, I has it. (I have been known to not take a step outside my apartment door for two weeks.)
I'm also arachnophobic. But that's pretty common, right? ;)
2. How did your phobia come about?/Or how do you think it came about?
Ah. This is tricky. I know when it started, or was triggered. It was the summer I turned 7, and spent two months with my father (my parents were divorced). How or why or what happened? No idea. I have a big blank nothing where that summer should be, and further away from it in time, I have sporadic and hazy memories. Steady, reliable memories start about a year on either side of this summer. Even at that time, when I got back from my fathers', and my mum asked what had happened, all I could say was "I can't remember".
I went to my father a happy, normal, girl, if a bit quiet and bookish. I came back deathly pale, stuttering, easily startled, fearful of anything and everything, reluctant to play with other kids, and plain refusing to talk to my stepfather, to the point of whispering to my mother at the dinner table and she had to relay my question or reply to him. O.o I didn't even dare to look at him. After this, I was sickly as well, and very depressed. Mum took me to a therapist, who just said I'd had a shock of some kind, and it would pass.
Well, it hasn't passed yet. Many, many years later, and I still have to deal with the fall-out. Like flashbacks. Of course, the problem with those is that since I have no memory of the traumatic incident, my flashback memories comes in the form of the emotions that are connected to it. Suddenly, out of the blue, I am attacked by horrible emotions of such fear and despair and abandonment that I am completely paralysed and thrown into something like a whirlpool of darkness and horror. Yeah... took me a while to figure it out, but now I know it's PTSD.
Anyway, it was with the start of this that I started being terrified of new places.
3. If you could replace your phobia with any other, which one would it be?
Hmmm... something less crippling would be nice. I'm already terrified of spiders, so I guess I could deal with being also terrified of snakes? Even though I do love them. Horse phobia, perhaps? I don't get into contact with horses very often. That's better.
4. What phobia would you wish on your worst enemy?Why.
I don't think I am cruel enough to wish a phobia even on my worst enemy!
5. What phobia do you not wish on you worst enemy?Why.
All? See above.
This entry was originally posted at http://ldybastet.dreamwidth.org/554520.html.
comments there. You can comment on either site.
Phobias
1. What phobia do you have?
I have a weirdass phobia that is a cousin or something of agoraphobia (fear of open spaces): I have a phobia for new and unfamiliar places/spaces. So, travelling is intensely horrible and panicky for me. Places like airports and train stations are always in flux with so many people that nothing is ever familiar there, so just the thought of going to one sends me into anxiety and panic attacks. Sadly, my favourite place in the world is London! I don't live in London. I don't even live in the UK. So, air travel is rather necessary to go there. :(
When I was a kid, I was terrified of going to my class mates' homes if I had to take the bus or something... Too unfamiliar, too scary, too much of "OMG! I can't find my way home ever again! *flail*". I still did it though, sometimes, and I still do go to London, sometimes. But I live in a constant state of panic for weeks before. Frustratingly, this also made it next to impossible for me to take out the garbage when they built this special little house for the garbage cans. *facepalm* It's better now, but it's still a bit of a battle to convince myself to do it. Generally, if I sit inside for too long, anything that is not my home starts to be affected by this phobia, until I'm terrified of even going out to take the mail in from the letterbox by the street. *sigh* Hikkikomori material, I has it. (I have been known to not take a step outside my apartment door for two weeks.)
I'm also arachnophobic. But that's pretty common, right? ;)
2. How did your phobia come about?/Or how do you think it came about?
Ah. This is tricky. I know when it started, or was triggered. It was the summer I turned 7, and spent two months with my father (my parents were divorced). How or why or what happened? No idea. I have a big blank nothing where that summer should be, and further away from it in time, I have sporadic and hazy memories. Steady, reliable memories start about a year on either side of this summer. Even at that time, when I got back from my fathers', and my mum asked what had happened, all I could say was "I can't remember".
I went to my father a happy, normal, girl, if a bit quiet and bookish. I came back deathly pale, stuttering, easily startled, fearful of anything and everything, reluctant to play with other kids, and plain refusing to talk to my stepfather, to the point of whispering to my mother at the dinner table and she had to relay my question or reply to him. O.o I didn't even dare to look at him. After this, I was sickly as well, and very depressed. Mum took me to a therapist, who just said I'd had a shock of some kind, and it would pass.
Well, it hasn't passed yet. Many, many years later, and I still have to deal with the fall-out. Like flashbacks. Of course, the problem with those is that since I have no memory of the traumatic incident, my flashback memories comes in the form of the emotions that are connected to it. Suddenly, out of the blue, I am attacked by horrible emotions of such fear and despair and abandonment that I am completely paralysed and thrown into something like a whirlpool of darkness and horror. Yeah... took me a while to figure it out, but now I know it's PTSD.
Anyway, it was with the start of this that I started being terrified of new places.
3. If you could replace your phobia with any other, which one would it be?
Hmmm... something less crippling would be nice. I'm already terrified of spiders, so I guess I could deal with being also terrified of snakes? Even though I do love them. Horse phobia, perhaps? I don't get into contact with horses very often. That's better.
4. What phobia would you wish on your worst enemy?Why.
I don't think I am cruel enough to wish a phobia even on my worst enemy!
5. What phobia do you not wish on you worst enemy?Why.
All? See above.
This entry was originally posted at http://ldybastet.dreamwidth.org/554520.html.
comments there. You can comment on either site.