Look who's digging their own grave (That is what they all say), You'll drink yourself to death~ //
Feeling that empty void again.
Ya know, per usual... my self loathing towards this weight gain and longing for a body that I could feel comfortable letting close to the person dearest to me, my boyfriend. Seriously... I don't want Dan looking at any part of me. If *I'm* making myself this sick looking at it.... I can't imagine what someone whom I'm supposed to be intimate with may feel.
Last night Dan came over to watch Game of Thrones. The second the credits started, he said he had to go. Now... I know that he just worked 8.5 hours and had to drive home still, and it was already past 11:30 when we got done.... but I just felt empty again.
Maybe this is me over reacting.
I know I keep saying something needs to change, but really... The flabby crazy streched out looking stomach attached to me is a sight that makes me want to never eat again.
*sigh*
Tonight I'm going with Patricia back to the gym. She's buying me a month membership and we're doing U-Jam. Still not sure how I feel about that class, but alas... I'll give it a shot. I'm trying to be more active. What is really frustrating is that I don't eat like crap, so I don't know how to change to 'healthy eating habits' when it's already pretty healthy.
There are several things I want.
I long for a vehicle... but with that comes a great chunk of money that will go towards it every month, making it hard to save up.
And then... there's some sort of surgery that I long for. Seriously, My stomach is just so.... there. Everything feels loose. Doesn't help that I want to cry just looking at the random stretch marks appearing on my arms.
My chest has been hurting lately. I feel like I need to go to the doctor. Maybe that is the logical explanation towards my random weight gain.
Maybe I'll call today to make an apointment for Friday.
Going over my expenses... It's killing me.
My Credit Card is maxed out, my phone bill & hulu are due.... I also want to get a car. (oh yeah, I finally got my license!) -- I need to think about getting a vehicle soon. Then I'll have insurance and gas to pay for in monthly bills.