good morning, its time to go
Since I met Rob, I have cheated on him. First with Joey from the mountains, then with Jonathan from Tampa by way of DC, then with Justin from Yonkers, NY and then with Joe from the coffeeshop and now with Joey again.
Here is what I have realized:
I want Kevin to be my buddy. He rocks.
I miss Dayami.
My sisters' lack of common sense and general patience with the world, and me as a part of it, is disgusting.
I miss my littles.
I can't believe that Erika is having a get together and didn't invite me. After she found out about Rob, she made it worse and harder for me all because she can. Instead of being happy for me. I can't believe that after I left my family on New Year's eve to be with him and not leave him alone after all the shit he had been going through. I can't believe he didn't stand up for me and ask them to invite me. I don't know which hurt more: Erika's judgment and ruling or Rob's denial of who I am to him. Either way what I have learned is that I am alone right now, until I am not. I just have to learn to deal with being alone. Maybe the lesson isn't yet completed. Maybe I am not ready and need to get bigger and stronger in the soul. Maybe there is more to get out, more to wash away and more to digest.
If I leave, I leave defeated. If is stay I wait alone
Here is what I have realized:
- I am no longer the girl I was. I don't need physical connection to feel complete anymore. I don't need to have sex with anyone but who I want and who I want is who I love.
- Joey is not what I want. I can't believe I ever cared so deeply about him. I only want him as a friend and now I have to tell him and he's not gonna like it. He makes me feel grounded when I am with him, until we kiss. But all I want is to go into the cave of his arms, and out of the constant rain where I am strong and responsible. Just a minute is all I need. Then he can go home, please.
- I don't want W anymore. I am cured of that
- I am too lonely right now. I need to make friends and have a life, a life that someone can squeeze into, instead of me rush over theirs like an ocean of needs.
- I hate the morning after, each and every time, even with him. Also I need to takes naps so that I can leave at night, no matter who I am with.
I want Kevin to be my buddy. He rocks.
I miss Dayami.
My sisters' lack of common sense and general patience with the world, and me as a part of it, is disgusting.
I miss my littles.
I can't believe that Erika is having a get together and didn't invite me. After she found out about Rob, she made it worse and harder for me all because she can. Instead of being happy for me. I can't believe that after I left my family on New Year's eve to be with him and not leave him alone after all the shit he had been going through. I can't believe he didn't stand up for me and ask them to invite me. I don't know which hurt more: Erika's judgment and ruling or Rob's denial of who I am to him. Either way what I have learned is that I am alone right now, until I am not. I just have to learn to deal with being alone. Maybe the lesson isn't yet completed. Maybe I am not ready and need to get bigger and stronger in the soul. Maybe there is more to get out, more to wash away and more to digest.
If I leave, I leave defeated. If is stay I wait alone