my medicine, my life
I have been trying to find that center of all of this. The medicine that I take, the anti-depressants, frustrate me so. Without them, I feel, really feel everything, inspiration rushes over me and I feel alive, with bursts of electricity inside me that make it impossible to believe I don't have to ever leave this state of being. But I also feel, really feel everything, and the thought of going back to my little cage the next day becomes overwhelmingly ridiculous. It doesn't make sense for me to have to sit there not giving light and love to the world. I am sick of my apartment and feel anxious to sit there when there are places to discover and people to meet and musical adventures to chase. I look around and always remember that I don't belong to anyone and no one belongs to me. I may have lovers, but none with soul. I need to go. I can't go. So I don't go.
That is when I fall. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't work, need lots and lots of sleep. Depression kicks in.
So I go full force on my meds, not 10, but 20mg. Then I go numb, nothing has flavor and as comfortable as it is to sit there, some part of me always stirs, fights to go live. So I go from 20 to 10mg.
I'm in that halfway point. This is a sober point. I can think of the joys of life and appreciate the losses as lessons learned. The problem with being here, is that I can function, but I am cognitive enough to know that I am wasting my life away by choice, by responsibility. I am a passenger in my life. Looking out the window, appreciating the air, the sky, the road, smiling. Not talking because I know that I am just sitting there wasting time.
So the truth is I don't need meds. I need life. But my responsibility to son doesn't allow me to live. So I sit and look out the window.
That is when I fall. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't work, need lots and lots of sleep. Depression kicks in.
So I go full force on my meds, not 10, but 20mg. Then I go numb, nothing has flavor and as comfortable as it is to sit there, some part of me always stirs, fights to go live. So I go from 20 to 10mg.
I'm in that halfway point. This is a sober point. I can think of the joys of life and appreciate the losses as lessons learned. The problem with being here, is that I can function, but I am cognitive enough to know that I am wasting my life away by choice, by responsibility. I am a passenger in my life. Looking out the window, appreciating the air, the sky, the road, smiling. Not talking because I know that I am just sitting there wasting time.
So the truth is I don't need meds. I need life. But my responsibility to son doesn't allow me to live. So I sit and look out the window.