i can't walk backward without falling... so this is it.
i can't even really express what i am thinking, because i don't know.
i'm good at pros and cons. i'm good at cost-benefit analysis. i'm no good at this.
you see, this issue is that i may have turned a bad mistake into a worse one, and now i don't know where to turn. i can't handle being wrong like this, so i run from it. is that what i am doing? did i push you away so that you couldn't have the last word? and if i did, how will i ever know that's what you wanted? that you weren't ever going to come back?
i sleep for 12 hours or not at all. i don't cry over this, or over anything much lately. i've heard from so many people that i cry too much, over too many things. i'm emotional, i always need help. i cannot handle things alone. i never believed these things, until too many people said them. so now i don't always talk when i can't sleep, and i choke back tears, and pretend i don't hurt. i'm so self-conscious that having too many feelings would drive people away that i walk around like i don't have any anymore. this isn't who i used to be. it isn't who i wanted to be. i'm just trying to survive.
this stings so much because it reeks of Dale. after almost a year of doing my best by him, never letting him down, always covering and caring and giving so much, i messed up. i don't know whether for him it was partly surprise that i failed him or partly that he got to revel in being the one who was right that time, but when i made my one mistake, he wouldn't even think about forgiving me. one time i messed up, and that was too much for him. yet our friendship could have been described--accurately, i think--as a series of his mistakes and failures that i either ignored or covered up. to protect us both. i tried to fix it then, and he wouldn't even listen.
this time, it has been years which were good. i helped you and tried to be there for you because i loved you and i loved your son. i didn't fuck up that whole time, until the end. and now, just like with him, you won't forgive me. my heart is broken.
how did i get here again? i know that i don't make small mistakes. when i mess up, it destroys friendships. how is that possible? how is it possible that when i'm the one who let you get fired, i suddenly cease to be the girl who was the only reason you had kept your job the past six months? how is it possible that when i stand aside just one time, i'm not the person who took care of you when you were sick? i'm not the girl who stood by you when no one else would talk to you at work? i'm the one who was your friend when the rest of them didn't want you there anymore at all? how can months of work and love be erased by a single stupid act, which wasn't intended to hurt anyone at all--least of all you?
i feel like it's all happening again. when did i ever say to anyone, "i'm never gonna let you down"? i haven't said it, because i know i will. i know that at some point, the people in my life will mess up and not come through. and i forgive them when it happens. because they're only human.
when years of my love and work gets erased by one stupid mistake--that i fixed within the hour--then i can't see how love was what you had for me in the first place. so how can i come back to you at all? you can't trust me anymore? i lost my faith in you, too. because i thought we could work out just about anything that came along.
now i don't sleep at night, and during the day, i dream things i refuse to talk about when i'm awake. i only cry alone, and almost never anymore. i've been looking for a real best friend, and i don't think i will anymore. people are just in things for their own best interests most of the time, and as i have learned now for the 1000th time, i am very good at providing for other people's interests. blindly, even, out of love and stupidity. until the moment of truth, and i find nothing was what i thought it was, and i feel robbed again, and my heart gets broken.
i'm not handling this well, but i don't plan on ever telling you. this is so hard for me, cutting you off like this, but i have to protect myself for once. and i'm no good at walking away, even from people who i know will only bring me down in the end. i don't know if you're one of them. but it's gotten to the point where i can't see how it's worth it to know for sure.
forever is a real thing that doesn't apply to anyone. it is simply a timeline, over which all things eventually die.
i'm good at pros and cons. i'm good at cost-benefit analysis. i'm no good at this.
you see, this issue is that i may have turned a bad mistake into a worse one, and now i don't know where to turn. i can't handle being wrong like this, so i run from it. is that what i am doing? did i push you away so that you couldn't have the last word? and if i did, how will i ever know that's what you wanted? that you weren't ever going to come back?
i sleep for 12 hours or not at all. i don't cry over this, or over anything much lately. i've heard from so many people that i cry too much, over too many things. i'm emotional, i always need help. i cannot handle things alone. i never believed these things, until too many people said them. so now i don't always talk when i can't sleep, and i choke back tears, and pretend i don't hurt. i'm so self-conscious that having too many feelings would drive people away that i walk around like i don't have any anymore. this isn't who i used to be. it isn't who i wanted to be. i'm just trying to survive.
this stings so much because it reeks of Dale. after almost a year of doing my best by him, never letting him down, always covering and caring and giving so much, i messed up. i don't know whether for him it was partly surprise that i failed him or partly that he got to revel in being the one who was right that time, but when i made my one mistake, he wouldn't even think about forgiving me. one time i messed up, and that was too much for him. yet our friendship could have been described--accurately, i think--as a series of his mistakes and failures that i either ignored or covered up. to protect us both. i tried to fix it then, and he wouldn't even listen.
this time, it has been years which were good. i helped you and tried to be there for you because i loved you and i loved your son. i didn't fuck up that whole time, until the end. and now, just like with him, you won't forgive me. my heart is broken.
how did i get here again? i know that i don't make small mistakes. when i mess up, it destroys friendships. how is that possible? how is it possible that when i'm the one who let you get fired, i suddenly cease to be the girl who was the only reason you had kept your job the past six months? how is it possible that when i stand aside just one time, i'm not the person who took care of you when you were sick? i'm not the girl who stood by you when no one else would talk to you at work? i'm the one who was your friend when the rest of them didn't want you there anymore at all? how can months of work and love be erased by a single stupid act, which wasn't intended to hurt anyone at all--least of all you?
i feel like it's all happening again. when did i ever say to anyone, "i'm never gonna let you down"? i haven't said it, because i know i will. i know that at some point, the people in my life will mess up and not come through. and i forgive them when it happens. because they're only human.
when years of my love and work gets erased by one stupid mistake--that i fixed within the hour--then i can't see how love was what you had for me in the first place. so how can i come back to you at all? you can't trust me anymore? i lost my faith in you, too. because i thought we could work out just about anything that came along.
now i don't sleep at night, and during the day, i dream things i refuse to talk about when i'm awake. i only cry alone, and almost never anymore. i've been looking for a real best friend, and i don't think i will anymore. people are just in things for their own best interests most of the time, and as i have learned now for the 1000th time, i am very good at providing for other people's interests. blindly, even, out of love and stupidity. until the moment of truth, and i find nothing was what i thought it was, and i feel robbed again, and my heart gets broken.
i'm not handling this well, but i don't plan on ever telling you. this is so hard for me, cutting you off like this, but i have to protect myself for once. and i'm no good at walking away, even from people who i know will only bring me down in the end. i don't know if you're one of them. but it's gotten to the point where i can't see how it's worth it to know for sure.
forever is a real thing that doesn't apply to anyone. it is simply a timeline, over which all things eventually die.