everything i always knew i needed to live without...
So I used to watch these silly romantic comedies, and think that finding the one person who was "everything you never knew you always wanted" was the height of true love.
It's ridiculous, and I know that. At this point, I would rather have functional than over-the-top. The therapy has been successful. I have more realistic expectations these days. I don't cry nearly as much.
I found out yesterday how big of a liar you were. It made me angry at first, because that last time, I really did let go of a lot to try to trust you. I let our past be the past to try to find a real chance at a future, and I forgave you--really forgave you. I did everything you could have asked of me and then some. In the end, you failed me anyhow, which I chalked up to your weak character and inability to resist temptation, especially when it arrives in the form of a slutty bridesmaid.
I thought that meant that I got to keep all that we used to be, locked away in my brain somewhere, in my past, as proof of the kind of relationship that is possible for me. One where I felt happy and safe and understood. A relationship where there was a true connection, and real love. One that would have lasted with a man just a little bit better than you.
Now, this throws everything you ever said to me into shadow. Did you mean a word of it? Was I someone you cared for and wanted to protect? For as flawed as you are, did you love me as well as you could? Or was I just an easy mark--drop thirty dollars on tulips for a fair shot at sex for a couple weeks?
I don't want to believe it, so I'm trying not to think about it at all. I haven't cried about this new development, but I feel that after all the rounds we battled out, I was left with few bright spots to take away with me, to try to say, "at least we had these moments--at least I got to experience that". Now you've taken them, too. I thought you were a good man once, and what happened after that, even I cannot say. Did I make believe? Settle for less and name it something better in the search for true love?
I'm not sure. Which I hate. And although I know you didn't win, from the outside it looks like you did--you have a family and a life. I am back where I was when I met you, trying to explain to myself where these last few years have gone...
But here is what I do know: I didn't miss you. I'm not going to miss you now. And if I'm going to move forward believing in the things I want--trusting they exist despite a twenty-five year search turning up little hope--then I have to do it now without you as evidence. With you as evidence to the contrary.
And I think I'm finally ready to do that.
You are the last man like you I will ever try to love.
It's ridiculous, and I know that. At this point, I would rather have functional than over-the-top. The therapy has been successful. I have more realistic expectations these days. I don't cry nearly as much.
I found out yesterday how big of a liar you were. It made me angry at first, because that last time, I really did let go of a lot to try to trust you. I let our past be the past to try to find a real chance at a future, and I forgave you--really forgave you. I did everything you could have asked of me and then some. In the end, you failed me anyhow, which I chalked up to your weak character and inability to resist temptation, especially when it arrives in the form of a slutty bridesmaid.
I thought that meant that I got to keep all that we used to be, locked away in my brain somewhere, in my past, as proof of the kind of relationship that is possible for me. One where I felt happy and safe and understood. A relationship where there was a true connection, and real love. One that would have lasted with a man just a little bit better than you.
Now, this throws everything you ever said to me into shadow. Did you mean a word of it? Was I someone you cared for and wanted to protect? For as flawed as you are, did you love me as well as you could? Or was I just an easy mark--drop thirty dollars on tulips for a fair shot at sex for a couple weeks?
I don't want to believe it, so I'm trying not to think about it at all. I haven't cried about this new development, but I feel that after all the rounds we battled out, I was left with few bright spots to take away with me, to try to say, "at least we had these moments--at least I got to experience that". Now you've taken them, too. I thought you were a good man once, and what happened after that, even I cannot say. Did I make believe? Settle for less and name it something better in the search for true love?
I'm not sure. Which I hate. And although I know you didn't win, from the outside it looks like you did--you have a family and a life. I am back where I was when I met you, trying to explain to myself where these last few years have gone...
But here is what I do know: I didn't miss you. I'm not going to miss you now. And if I'm going to move forward believing in the things I want--trusting they exist despite a twenty-five year search turning up little hope--then I have to do it now without you as evidence. With you as evidence to the contrary.
And I think I'm finally ready to do that.
You are the last man like you I will ever try to love.