even if i change my mind...
it feels petty, and it probably is, but i'm angry at you for ruining everything.
i know that i messed up a lot of things in order to be with you, but that was something i really thought would be worth it in the end. i thought we would be worth it. i thought you would be worth it. i hate that i was wrong. that i bet on you, and lost.
i say things about how i would give just about anyone a chance. and about how i don't care what someone looks like, or how smart they are. if they're not a troll and they graduated high school, i could love them. if they're nice to me and we can have a conversation, that's enough to start with. my true love could be just about anyone, i said.
i lied. i want someone who doesn't know that he's adorable. i want someone who manages to be both masculine and non-threatening at the same time. someone who is well-read and intelligent. who i think is a little bit smarter than me, while he thinks the opposite. someone with personal style beyond a lumberjack, but short of metro. and who is just a little bit nerdy. who laughs when i tease him, and then sometimes worries that i meant it. someone who listens when i talk, and has a memory that is as eerily good as mine. who remembers what i was wearing when we met. and the things i said which were important, even if i've only said them once. someone who has never once misspelled my name. someone who doesn't have too much body hair. whose hand is bigger than mine, but fits over mine comfortably. with clean fingernails. someone taller than me, who likes to come up and hold me from behind, and speak quietly into my ear, while we look in the same direction together. someone who doesn't smoke ever, and likes white wine more than red, and votes democrat. someone who goes to great lengths to explain football to me, but doesn't mind if i fall asleep while we're watching it. someone who has seen my worst haircut and my makeup-less face on a breakout day, and still tells me i am lovely. someone who keeps my secrets and tells me his, who reads my writing and lets me read his. who takes care of me when i am sick, and holds me tightly when i cry. i want someone i could talk to forever. and kiss endlessly.
i never made that list because i didn't believe in such a man. i thought that life was difficult--wanting a man who didn't exist. but the truth is, this life is much harder--finding him and watching him destroy it all, because he is also selfish and weak. dishonest. so i let you go. and we ended things.
now i've started dating again, and i will tell you--this isn't easy.
the men i have met recently are nice, for the most part. they aren't bad guys. they're harmless and sweet, with good intentions. they're science-smart, and technology-smart. they're awkward and hard-working and honest, and they will make someone very happy one day. but they can't spell and they don't really listen or understand me and most of all, they aren't you. so i don't want them.
but i can never trust you again. so i can't go back to you, even if it feels like that's what i really want.
so i suppose for now, the only answer left is what i had suspected all along: i'm not ready to go back out there. i'm not ready to try again. if i'm thinking about you and comparing them to you and after all you've done, they still can't win, then clearly i'm not thinking straight.
i'm not even sure why i'm writing this except that i know that you used to read my journal. i remember how you were amused to find it after we were together, and to read entries which discussed you in subject but not by name. to watch me slowly fall for you, in my own words, thinking then that it had a happy ending.
and right now, i'm vulnerable and i know it. and almost psychically, this is the moment when you usually return. and i fall for it. and have to start from zero, again. so i'm writing this to remind myself that this is a trap i have walked into before, and a pattern that has stung me many times. and i'm asking us both not to let me do this again.