I've made a huge mistake
I went to see a counselor at Rollins once and I hated it.
She listened carefully to the things which were bothering me. This was the year that everyone forgot my birthday, and I cried so hard I wanted to die. People whose parties I had thrown that year couldn't even be bothered to give me a call. I felt so invisible. So empty and worthless.
And she said things which made her seem on my side.
Then I went back, and I told her about how my roommates wanted Chinese food while I was writing a school paper. I gave them my check card for it, set my 17 page paper to print and ran to take a shower, in danger of being late for class. When I got out of the shower, I walked into the room to check on my paper, but it wasn't in the printer tray. From their view in the dining room, my roommates advised me that it had fallen, because after the first 4 pages, the tray got heavy, and each additional page slid out and flew aimlessly to the floor. I asked for help, and they said they were busy eating Chinese food.
I was so angry. I struggled around to put the pages in order and hold up my towel, all the while crying. When they laughed, I exploded. I screamed and called them ungrateful and selfish. I picked up the last pages, ran to my room to get dressed and slammed the door on my way to my car.
We never spoke of it again.
The counselor simply asked me if given the choice about the Chinese food, would I give them the card again?
I said yes--they had, in fact, repaid me for their part of the food.
And then she said, "Liisa, you teach people how to treat you."
I thought there was no way she understood my story. This wasn't about money or food. She was blaming me for others treating me badly? I never went back.
But now I get it.
I see it so clearly, and it hurts so bad.
You hurt me, I blame me, I come back for more. I call it misguided hope. I call it naive trust. blind faith.
It's stupidity. It's normalacy.
It's that I am most comfortable where I have found myself so many times before--in the company of assholes.
She listened carefully to the things which were bothering me. This was the year that everyone forgot my birthday, and I cried so hard I wanted to die. People whose parties I had thrown that year couldn't even be bothered to give me a call. I felt so invisible. So empty and worthless.
And she said things which made her seem on my side.
Then I went back, and I told her about how my roommates wanted Chinese food while I was writing a school paper. I gave them my check card for it, set my 17 page paper to print and ran to take a shower, in danger of being late for class. When I got out of the shower, I walked into the room to check on my paper, but it wasn't in the printer tray. From their view in the dining room, my roommates advised me that it had fallen, because after the first 4 pages, the tray got heavy, and each additional page slid out and flew aimlessly to the floor. I asked for help, and they said they were busy eating Chinese food.
I was so angry. I struggled around to put the pages in order and hold up my towel, all the while crying. When they laughed, I exploded. I screamed and called them ungrateful and selfish. I picked up the last pages, ran to my room to get dressed and slammed the door on my way to my car.
We never spoke of it again.
The counselor simply asked me if given the choice about the Chinese food, would I give them the card again?
I said yes--they had, in fact, repaid me for their part of the food.
And then she said, "Liisa, you teach people how to treat you."
I thought there was no way she understood my story. This wasn't about money or food. She was blaming me for others treating me badly? I never went back.
But now I get it.
I see it so clearly, and it hurts so bad.
You hurt me, I blame me, I come back for more. I call it misguided hope. I call it naive trust. blind faith.
It's stupidity. It's normalacy.
It's that I am most comfortable where I have found myself so many times before--in the company of assholes.