acquiring privilege
dpolicar asked me, in response to an earlier post where i mentioned moving from not having heterosexual privilege for 24 years to suddenly acquiring some by beginning to date men as well as women: "what do you most notice during the visibly-queer to invisibly-queer transition?." and i told him i'd think about it and make a post.
the big stuff doesn't affect me on a day to day basis. i mean, arching over every relationship with a man is the realization that i could legally marry this person without having to travel to a different state or a different country, and then still not be able to file a joint federal tax return. but most days, you don't notice that.
i'll never forget the day that the realization came crashing into my consciousness. i met the man who became my first male partner in december. we were an LDR so i didn't see him again until a visit in may. we went out together for the first time to a production of "blue man group." and there we were, standing in the lobby, waiting for the doors to open so that we could take our seats, and i was being a bit snuggly, as i have been known to be with my partners, and suddenly i realized that i hadn't checked the room to make sure that it was safe before snuggling up to him. checking the room, checking the street, checking wherever i was for potential threats was completely second nature to me, and i had omitted that step. and as i've said about this before, i almost wept because it felt so wonderful not to have to check--like not noticing that you had a headache until you stop bashing your head against the wall. and suddenly i had the ability to do that, or rather to not do that--but no way to give it to all my friends and loves in same-sex relationships--no way to have them feel the freedom that i suddenly felt.
that's when i started paying attention. there are classics, like you really do get treated better when you go to a restaurant with a guy than you do with another woman. not at every restaurant, of course, but in the aggregate--i still really notice restaurants that are equally nice to me when i go there with a woman after having been there with a man. but it's not just restaurants. you get treated just that little bit differently everywhere you go. and there's the stuff that doesn't happen. in my other post, i mentioned that i had had a hotel room refuse to put me and a same-sex partner in a room together (there was only one bed in the room). that's unlikely to happen most places today, but you can still get people who aren't too welcoming when you show up with your same-sex partner. so my stomach always clenches a bit when i go to the desk with my same-sex partner--but not when i go with an opposite-sex partner of the same race. (because there are always different axes along which you can acquire or give up privilege.) hell--walking along the street is different--you can hold hands and no one gives it a second look unless you're taking up too much sidewalk.
being amongst other people who don't know me well is different. talking about my opposite-sex partner is not "coming out," automatically. (it might be if the person knew me as a lesbian, formerly, but even there it probably needs more words to really qualify as coming out.) so again, these conversations are missing that little frisson that i would have before choosing to utter the words that would identify me as a person with a same-sex partner--would the person react badly? reject me? seem okay but never speak with me again? (again, this is different if they knew me as a lesbian--i have had some reactions from that group of people about dating men, but they are few and far between.)
almost all the world suddenly looks like me, or more like me than ever before. suddenly most of the relationships that i see in movies look much more like mine. (there aren't a ton of middle-aged fat women and their relationships in movies, but still.) plays, books, songs, billboards--suddenly i'm surrounded by a world that i fit into rather than a world that doesn't look like mine at all. it's very odd--i used to be desperate for media that reflected my life--now i don't have to lift a finger to find it. (i still seek out media that reflects same-sex relationships, though.)
one thing that isn't different is my family--i was out to them and they were great to my same-sex partners--most of them have yet to meet any opposite sex partners but i assume that that will be fine, but not a big change. but i know that i'm lucky in this aspect of my life--well not just lucky--some of it took a lot of work, but i'm lucky that all the work that i did ... worked.
that's off the top of my head, but i'll keep thinking. is there stuff that occurs to some of you that i missed?
the big stuff doesn't affect me on a day to day basis. i mean, arching over every relationship with a man is the realization that i could legally marry this person without having to travel to a different state or a different country, and then still not be able to file a joint federal tax return. but most days, you don't notice that.
i'll never forget the day that the realization came crashing into my consciousness. i met the man who became my first male partner in december. we were an LDR so i didn't see him again until a visit in may. we went out together for the first time to a production of "blue man group." and there we were, standing in the lobby, waiting for the doors to open so that we could take our seats, and i was being a bit snuggly, as i have been known to be with my partners, and suddenly i realized that i hadn't checked the room to make sure that it was safe before snuggling up to him. checking the room, checking the street, checking wherever i was for potential threats was completely second nature to me, and i had omitted that step. and as i've said about this before, i almost wept because it felt so wonderful not to have to check--like not noticing that you had a headache until you stop bashing your head against the wall. and suddenly i had the ability to do that, or rather to not do that--but no way to give it to all my friends and loves in same-sex relationships--no way to have them feel the freedom that i suddenly felt.
that's when i started paying attention. there are classics, like you really do get treated better when you go to a restaurant with a guy than you do with another woman. not at every restaurant, of course, but in the aggregate--i still really notice restaurants that are equally nice to me when i go there with a woman after having been there with a man. but it's not just restaurants. you get treated just that little bit differently everywhere you go. and there's the stuff that doesn't happen. in my other post, i mentioned that i had had a hotel room refuse to put me and a same-sex partner in a room together (there was only one bed in the room). that's unlikely to happen most places today, but you can still get people who aren't too welcoming when you show up with your same-sex partner. so my stomach always clenches a bit when i go to the desk with my same-sex partner--but not when i go with an opposite-sex partner of the same race. (because there are always different axes along which you can acquire or give up privilege.) hell--walking along the street is different--you can hold hands and no one gives it a second look unless you're taking up too much sidewalk.
being amongst other people who don't know me well is different. talking about my opposite-sex partner is not "coming out," automatically. (it might be if the person knew me as a lesbian, formerly, but even there it probably needs more words to really qualify as coming out.) so again, these conversations are missing that little frisson that i would have before choosing to utter the words that would identify me as a person with a same-sex partner--would the person react badly? reject me? seem okay but never speak with me again? (again, this is different if they knew me as a lesbian--i have had some reactions from that group of people about dating men, but they are few and far between.)
almost all the world suddenly looks like me, or more like me than ever before. suddenly most of the relationships that i see in movies look much more like mine. (there aren't a ton of middle-aged fat women and their relationships in movies, but still.) plays, books, songs, billboards--suddenly i'm surrounded by a world that i fit into rather than a world that doesn't look like mine at all. it's very odd--i used to be desperate for media that reflected my life--now i don't have to lift a finger to find it. (i still seek out media that reflects same-sex relationships, though.)
one thing that isn't different is my family--i was out to them and they were great to my same-sex partners--most of them have yet to meet any opposite sex partners but i assume that that will be fine, but not a big change. but i know that i'm lucky in this aspect of my life--well not just lucky--some of it took a lot of work, but i'm lucky that all the work that i did ... worked.
that's off the top of my head, but i'll keep thinking. is there stuff that occurs to some of you that i missed?