It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
So I obviously have been neglecting my livejournal for a while. I like to think there's a reason for it. I can't say I have had the best year. I feel like my body has been pulled inside out. I haven't been myself. My emotions have run me wild and I believe the big cause of this was Shawn. Our relationship and lack there of really got to my head. I was never confident about myself. He constantly belittled me. How he broke up with me was totally selfish and immature. Everything was pointed to me. I suppose it is my fault that I wouldn't support him seeing another girl while he was still with me...I just felt like our 3 year friendship was a waste of time and energy.After that I never felt good about myself again. Was that the best I was going to get? A boyfriend that had no respect for who I am? I became a bit premiscuous and went from guy to guy knowing that they were just a fling. None of them really meant anything to me. They were distractions from how I really felt. I never got close to really any of them. Well the last few weeks I've finally started to feel like myself again. I feel like I'm becoming more emotionally stable. I'm starting to trust guys again. I feel I am ready for another serious relationship if the opportunity occurs. I think I finally realized this when I started liking my friend Benji here at IU. No we're not together and probably will never be, but there was something about him that made me open up. Something about him made me feel comfortable and ok again. I feel like I can tell him anything and everything and i do! I love our relationship and where it's headed. I want a guy best friend again like I had with Shawn. I missed having that strong shoulder to cry on. I missed getting a true guys perspective on things. It feels so good to have that back. On the topic of relationships, there is this one guy...I have had a crush on him since I met him my freshman year of college. He is seriously the sweetest and most repectful guy I have ever met. He's just a good person. Good intentions, well mannered, beautiful soul. I stopped talking to him for a while because he started dating someone else. I hated myself for not telling him earlier that I liked him, but everything turned out alright I guess. They're no longer together. The last week or so he's been talking to me, sending me messages. We talked last night for about an hour and he said he wants to come visit. I guess he's coming in two weeks. All those feelings from freshman year have been rejuvinated. I was so giddy last night and still am at this moment just thinking about it. I can't believe that someone other than my family is going to drive 5 hours just to see me. Nobody else, but me. I don't really know what this means, but I'm going to take it easy and just see what happens. Worse case scenario our friendship becomes stronger. Ill keep you all updated on what happens :)
this song is for you Shawn...
"Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Ohhh yeah
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
We the stars fall and I lie awake
Your my shooting star "