Look at the time...
Its about 6 in the morning, and I haven't slept a wink, despite my sleep shortage the night before. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have no motivation anymore for anything I love/once loved. It makes me sick. And very sad. And along with this, my standardized test scores are the lowest they've ever been, yeah I still qualified for National Merit Scholarship, but I've gotten dumber. Why do I keep on living? I don't have the same affinity towards music, I don't like to read, or be outside like I used to. If I was off at school last year, I would come home on breaks and spend most of my time at the skatepark, practicing, and reading. I do nothing but criticize others now. I realize now how screwed up I am, that perhaps the reason I have no passion anymore, is the competition isn't there. I can't compete against myself. There is no high. Its just letdown after letdown. There are no victories. Why am I so messed up? I was helping my sister get some things out of the top of her closet, and pulled out a self-portrait and description of myself I made in 1st grade at camp. I had tan skin, brown hair, green eyes, and a blue shirt on, and the description stated,
Lauren
Artistic, Athletic, Helpful,
Polite baseball player.
Who loves basketball
Who feels happy when she wins games.
Who fears not doing her best.
Born in Charleston, SC
Resident of Hilton Head, SC
yeah artistic, that's a joke. I have no self-confidence in anything I do, so I scrap it. Athletic, that ended when I got fat. Helpful, i don't know how to help myself, how can I help anyone else anymore? Polite. Ha. I don't like answering the phone because I have to be heard, I don't introduce myself to new people, if I have someone with me and I'm talking to someone I know, and they don't know the person with me, the introduction never happens. Baseball, Dad made me quit baseball that year because he said he didn't want me playing with the boys, like I didn't do that in soccer and every other sport. Loving basketball I do, but that was messed up by wrecking my ankle, not having rich parents that sucked up to the coaches, and the constant torment that I was put through by girls that played basketball. Winning is something I miss a lot, but its not my happiest moment anymore, I have higher emotions and experiences I've gone through, and not doing my best is my biggest fear still. There is nothing worse for me than messing up. If I do something and its not the best for me, I don't want to turn it in, I make no effort to keep up with it, and so on. Governor's school has completely broken me down in that sense. Teachers have made me feel I was basically, crap, though probably not intentionally save for a few, I don't get to play violin to my highest ability, or anywhere near for that matter, and I'm given things I physically cannot do, and in the number of ways I've tried to articulate this, nothing has happened. It completely destroys me inside to be given things I cannot achieve, that I've tried for years. and I get told I'm a slacker or whatever, and as much as I don't want to believe that, it may be true. My life is full of second-guesses, loathing of myself, and everything in between. I cannot accept in my heart as much as I try that anyone could like me in any way, much less love me, because I don't feel that way about myself. I work at it. It doesn't happen. My relationship with almost all of my family is awful, because there's no way they would accept the real me, they don't even accept the little they know now. I hate when something goes wrong, and I'm told, "You're too smart for this." or "How could you be so stupid?" For the past three days in my house, I've been scoffed at, yelled at, laughed at, and the rest. Despite what I know about them, I still believe them, I still feel like crap. It doesn't matter how many times in your life you're told the words don't hurt, they always do. THEY ALWAYS DO. I can't think of many points in my life, that I had a month where I was not humiliated greatly by someone, teasing me about something I can't fix or help. I've had teachers screw up my name to make me feel bad (There is no teacher that you spend 6 hours with a day that by day 150 something they don't know how to pronounce your last name), been teased about my physical appearance, been teased about my brother, been teased about my friends. Then there's those people that won't tease you, they just talk about you behind your back all the time. If you don't like me or something about me, tell me so I can fix it or tell you, yeah well that's me get over it. I've developed a couple of brutally honest, beautiful relationships since August, and it hurts me that all my relationships can't be like that. I'm going to go back to school and... do nothing for the next semester. This summer is going to suck, sorry for my few friends, but I hope I'm in Kinhaven or Encore, so I don't have to deal with my parents, I won't be able to take it. I want to die right now. I'm so sorry to everyone who has truly cared for me, because I've most likely questioned your motives and/or genuinity. Everyone in the house will be rising in about an hour and half, and I haven't slept. I'll just stay here at the computer away from the shower, because yeah going near the bathroom right now scares me. I'm scared of myself. Why? Why do I go through this everyday? What is so messed up about my life? Why can I not question anything and just live and be simple? I feel like some people are connected to me because they're forced to, or because they feel sorry for me. Ahhh. I'm just tearing apart everything I have. There is no need. My world lies in shambles. I should have seen it coming during my high. What a crash.
Don't worry about me. I'm going to N. Charleston with the fam, and I'm going to pretend all day that everything is fine. I want my brandon and elizabeth. 'Tis all for now.
Oh yeah. I'm not as psycho as this probably looks, I haven't had much sleep and I'm crying my eyes out.
Lauren
Artistic, Athletic, Helpful,
Polite baseball player.
Who loves basketball
Who feels happy when she wins games.
Who fears not doing her best.
Born in Charleston, SC
Resident of Hilton Head, SC
yeah artistic, that's a joke. I have no self-confidence in anything I do, so I scrap it. Athletic, that ended when I got fat. Helpful, i don't know how to help myself, how can I help anyone else anymore? Polite. Ha. I don't like answering the phone because I have to be heard, I don't introduce myself to new people, if I have someone with me and I'm talking to someone I know, and they don't know the person with me, the introduction never happens. Baseball, Dad made me quit baseball that year because he said he didn't want me playing with the boys, like I didn't do that in soccer and every other sport. Loving basketball I do, but that was messed up by wrecking my ankle, not having rich parents that sucked up to the coaches, and the constant torment that I was put through by girls that played basketball. Winning is something I miss a lot, but its not my happiest moment anymore, I have higher emotions and experiences I've gone through, and not doing my best is my biggest fear still. There is nothing worse for me than messing up. If I do something and its not the best for me, I don't want to turn it in, I make no effort to keep up with it, and so on. Governor's school has completely broken me down in that sense. Teachers have made me feel I was basically, crap, though probably not intentionally save for a few, I don't get to play violin to my highest ability, or anywhere near for that matter, and I'm given things I physically cannot do, and in the number of ways I've tried to articulate this, nothing has happened. It completely destroys me inside to be given things I cannot achieve, that I've tried for years. and I get told I'm a slacker or whatever, and as much as I don't want to believe that, it may be true. My life is full of second-guesses, loathing of myself, and everything in between. I cannot accept in my heart as much as I try that anyone could like me in any way, much less love me, because I don't feel that way about myself. I work at it. It doesn't happen. My relationship with almost all of my family is awful, because there's no way they would accept the real me, they don't even accept the little they know now. I hate when something goes wrong, and I'm told, "You're too smart for this." or "How could you be so stupid?" For the past three days in my house, I've been scoffed at, yelled at, laughed at, and the rest. Despite what I know about them, I still believe them, I still feel like crap. It doesn't matter how many times in your life you're told the words don't hurt, they always do. THEY ALWAYS DO. I can't think of many points in my life, that I had a month where I was not humiliated greatly by someone, teasing me about something I can't fix or help. I've had teachers screw up my name to make me feel bad (There is no teacher that you spend 6 hours with a day that by day 150 something they don't know how to pronounce your last name), been teased about my physical appearance, been teased about my brother, been teased about my friends. Then there's those people that won't tease you, they just talk about you behind your back all the time. If you don't like me or something about me, tell me so I can fix it or tell you, yeah well that's me get over it. I've developed a couple of brutally honest, beautiful relationships since August, and it hurts me that all my relationships can't be like that. I'm going to go back to school and... do nothing for the next semester. This summer is going to suck, sorry for my few friends, but I hope I'm in Kinhaven or Encore, so I don't have to deal with my parents, I won't be able to take it. I want to die right now. I'm so sorry to everyone who has truly cared for me, because I've most likely questioned your motives and/or genuinity. Everyone in the house will be rising in about an hour and half, and I haven't slept. I'll just stay here at the computer away from the shower, because yeah going near the bathroom right now scares me. I'm scared of myself. Why? Why do I go through this everyday? What is so messed up about my life? Why can I not question anything and just live and be simple? I feel like some people are connected to me because they're forced to, or because they feel sorry for me. Ahhh. I'm just tearing apart everything I have. There is no need. My world lies in shambles. I should have seen it coming during my high. What a crash.
Don't worry about me. I'm going to N. Charleston with the fam, and I'm going to pretend all day that everything is fine. I want my brandon and elizabeth. 'Tis all for now.
Oh yeah. I'm not as psycho as this probably looks, I haven't had much sleep and I'm crying my eyes out.