Words? Fuck you, Hamlet.
“The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use them.” - Philip K. Dick
I have thoughts on words bouncing around my head all day. Words, meanings, vocabulary. Let's see if I can get these down.
Words have power. They can make people laugh, cry, strong, cower, feel many, many things. They can convey emotion and thought, though not perfectly. And if used slightly wrong or the wrong word is used, the thought or emotion gets misinterpeted.
When I first started dating Jen, we established some rules. One of the main ones I asked for was that if we were going to have an open relationship that permission be given before hand. This was establish very, very early on in our relationship. Like within a month or two. I had asked for this because of trust issues I was having because of the way things had fallen out in my recently ended relationship with my ex-wife. At the same time, we established a pattern where permission was almost always given and we were open about our other relationships. Not always, we failed at communication some times, but mostly we were good about the open communication. Though looking back, me more than her. She was always secretive about some aspects of her life, but I never really begrudged her that.
The idea was that we had the ability to make sure that if there was something that made us uncomfortable that the other was engaging in we could voice an objection before it had a chance to hurt us. Again, this was the idea, not always what occured. Sometimes we failed.
Anyway, at some point that changed and I didn't get the memo. Suddenly, she felt that asking permission was unfair to her as a person and that she no longer wanted that aspect of being controlled. Funny, I never thought of it as controlling. But, when I confronted her, I made the comment that I had given her every freedom. And that was the problem. She felt she had to ask for her freedom and it was not mine to give and take away as I saw fit. That was never the case. I was never controlling. I had a couple objections, some I couldn't put my finger on, but mostly never objected.
So, I have reflected on that a bit. The problem I keep running up against is that I don't have any other words for it. This weekend I slipped and used the same phrase, though i knew it would get tossed back in my face. I guess the correct set of words would be more that she had every freedom, and she still wanted more.
Another thing I have been bouncing around with is justification. Justification is just another form of excuse.
Couple things on that.
First, I have been having a lot of people telling me my "fellings are justified". I KNOW THEY ARE. Guh. I am going through a rough time. Of course I am feeling hurt, angry, betrayed, etc. Duh. But people always telling me they are is just validating me to keep having them and not letting me work on them.
Second, the justifications used by Jen. They are just excuses that she is using to either remove or redirect responsibility. No matter how a persons actions are justified, the damage and pain caused are still the fault of the person acting. She knows this, of course. I just want to write it down. Maybe it will get out of my head.
A final thing. During this last weekend, Jen stated that she is going to try to be in contact with me more, of her own action. Not me always going to her. This is hopefully a good thing. I was starting to feel that it was only me that was putting in the work and effort. Hope she follows through.
I have therapy in the morning. Been an interesting week. Tomorrow is another day. Things are what they are.
I have thoughts on words bouncing around my head all day. Words, meanings, vocabulary. Let's see if I can get these down.
Words have power. They can make people laugh, cry, strong, cower, feel many, many things. They can convey emotion and thought, though not perfectly. And if used slightly wrong or the wrong word is used, the thought or emotion gets misinterpeted.
When I first started dating Jen, we established some rules. One of the main ones I asked for was that if we were going to have an open relationship that permission be given before hand. This was establish very, very early on in our relationship. Like within a month or two. I had asked for this because of trust issues I was having because of the way things had fallen out in my recently ended relationship with my ex-wife. At the same time, we established a pattern where permission was almost always given and we were open about our other relationships. Not always, we failed at communication some times, but mostly we were good about the open communication. Though looking back, me more than her. She was always secretive about some aspects of her life, but I never really begrudged her that.
The idea was that we had the ability to make sure that if there was something that made us uncomfortable that the other was engaging in we could voice an objection before it had a chance to hurt us. Again, this was the idea, not always what occured. Sometimes we failed.
Anyway, at some point that changed and I didn't get the memo. Suddenly, she felt that asking permission was unfair to her as a person and that she no longer wanted that aspect of being controlled. Funny, I never thought of it as controlling. But, when I confronted her, I made the comment that I had given her every freedom. And that was the problem. She felt she had to ask for her freedom and it was not mine to give and take away as I saw fit. That was never the case. I was never controlling. I had a couple objections, some I couldn't put my finger on, but mostly never objected.
So, I have reflected on that a bit. The problem I keep running up against is that I don't have any other words for it. This weekend I slipped and used the same phrase, though i knew it would get tossed back in my face. I guess the correct set of words would be more that she had every freedom, and she still wanted more.
Another thing I have been bouncing around with is justification. Justification is just another form of excuse.
Couple things on that.
First, I have been having a lot of people telling me my "fellings are justified". I KNOW THEY ARE. Guh. I am going through a rough time. Of course I am feeling hurt, angry, betrayed, etc. Duh. But people always telling me they are is just validating me to keep having them and not letting me work on them.
Second, the justifications used by Jen. They are just excuses that she is using to either remove or redirect responsibility. No matter how a persons actions are justified, the damage and pain caused are still the fault of the person acting. She knows this, of course. I just want to write it down. Maybe it will get out of my head.
A final thing. During this last weekend, Jen stated that she is going to try to be in contact with me more, of her own action. Not me always going to her. This is hopefully a good thing. I was starting to feel that it was only me that was putting in the work and effort. Hope she follows through.
I have therapy in the morning. Been an interesting week. Tomorrow is another day. Things are what they are.