De Profundis
So because of my mistakes I have yet to receive the student visa I needed to fly out to Barcelona last Saturday and I currently find myself in a great limbo. I have nothing to do but wait; I don't have a job anymore, my gym membership ran out, I sold my motorcycle, most of my friends have left for school, my clothes are packed. everything is done except for me to leave. all this sitting around has led to some introspection and a couple of realizations.
i need to be moving, go, go, going all the time and never standing still for too long. like a shark that can't stop swimming. it's just part of me, i think the romantic youthful part. but if i'm honest i really wonder whether i'm running towards something or away from something. I'd like to think i'm like some explorer always searching, always looking forward. in reality, sometimes i feel like a runaway, scared to look backward. i want to see it all. i want to roam Spain, work the summer in Greece, rediscover Cuba, go to law school, see the wildlife in Alaska, visit Buenos Aires in Argentina, Rio and Sao Paolo in Brazil, Santiago de Chile, Addis Ababa in Ethiopia, climb Kilimanjaro in Tanzania, and on and on. So many places i want to go and see and take in, so much to look forward to. But i do get the feeling that if i stopped, things would catch up with me. I sometimes envy those sedentary people that just stay put and grow deep roots. i have very shallow roots, actually to take this metaphor farther, i think i'm some sort of air plant.
I've also realized something about my character. I'm kind of an outsider. I'm not really part of any group, and within any group i happen to be inhabiting i usually feel somehow detached or as if i don't fit in just right. I don't really know whether this is something that is in my head, or if it's something that others perceive along with me (i think the latter), but i usually feel like the odd man out. whether it is because of the way i dress, because of where i go to school, my political or philosophical views, because i don't have a girlfriend, i usually get the feeling i'm outside the fold. i don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, i am fiercely individualistic and have a hard time getting into a group mentality. i think maybe people perceive my inability to join groups as arrogance, but it's not. it's just my way of being, maybe a handicap of mine. i don't think there's anything wrong with my social skills, i can be very outgoing and i'm a confident person. but i think it takes a much different skill set to make a great friendship connection with someone than simply to make a good impression on acquaintances. i do have a couple people, more from high school than from Chicago, that i consider true friends. so maybe that's enough.
also, in light of my experiences this summer, it seems to me that even the biggest difference in personality and background can be totally overcome between people as long as they inhabit the same common mundane reality. if you got the same things to bitch about, who cares what they think of globalization or the films of Stanley Kubrick. as soon as you remove the daily grind however and you add distance, personality becomes everything. the farther people move apart, the more what's inside them comes into play. character is the only thing that truly travels great distances.
i need to be moving, go, go, going all the time and never standing still for too long. like a shark that can't stop swimming. it's just part of me, i think the romantic youthful part. but if i'm honest i really wonder whether i'm running towards something or away from something. I'd like to think i'm like some explorer always searching, always looking forward. in reality, sometimes i feel like a runaway, scared to look backward. i want to see it all. i want to roam Spain, work the summer in Greece, rediscover Cuba, go to law school, see the wildlife in Alaska, visit Buenos Aires in Argentina, Rio and Sao Paolo in Brazil, Santiago de Chile, Addis Ababa in Ethiopia, climb Kilimanjaro in Tanzania, and on and on. So many places i want to go and see and take in, so much to look forward to. But i do get the feeling that if i stopped, things would catch up with me. I sometimes envy those sedentary people that just stay put and grow deep roots. i have very shallow roots, actually to take this metaphor farther, i think i'm some sort of air plant.
I've also realized something about my character. I'm kind of an outsider. I'm not really part of any group, and within any group i happen to be inhabiting i usually feel somehow detached or as if i don't fit in just right. I don't really know whether this is something that is in my head, or if it's something that others perceive along with me (i think the latter), but i usually feel like the odd man out. whether it is because of the way i dress, because of where i go to school, my political or philosophical views, because i don't have a girlfriend, i usually get the feeling i'm outside the fold. i don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, i am fiercely individualistic and have a hard time getting into a group mentality. i think maybe people perceive my inability to join groups as arrogance, but it's not. it's just my way of being, maybe a handicap of mine. i don't think there's anything wrong with my social skills, i can be very outgoing and i'm a confident person. but i think it takes a much different skill set to make a great friendship connection with someone than simply to make a good impression on acquaintances. i do have a couple people, more from high school than from Chicago, that i consider true friends. so maybe that's enough.
also, in light of my experiences this summer, it seems to me that even the biggest difference in personality and background can be totally overcome between people as long as they inhabit the same common mundane reality. if you got the same things to bitch about, who cares what they think of globalization or the films of Stanley Kubrick. as soon as you remove the daily grind however and you add distance, personality becomes everything. the farther people move apart, the more what's inside them comes into play. character is the only thing that truly travels great distances.