Too Old, Too Lame crack!fics
My darling dearest Gun ( theregoesyamum ) created the comm too_old_toolame for the anti-R/T theorist in all of us. I've thoroughly enjoyed my forays into crack!fic for the sake of giving a good kick in the pants to all those militants' whacked-out ideas.
Title: The Galleon
Word Count: >250
Rating: PG-13
Summary: OMFG hes holding hands with her cuz there freinds n remus is still all gay n stuff
They sat side-by-side at the end of a row, holding hands and speaking in hushed tones.
"You silly thing, why didn’t you just tell me in the first place that you were gay?" she whispered, giving his arm a playful smack.
He shrugged. "Never know how people will react to the news."
"Oh, Remus! You thought I wouldn’t accept you just the way you are?" She gave a quiet giggle. "Now we can go shopping together!"
"That sounds fabulous! But you’re going to have to foot the bill. I’m too poor."
"So you’ve told me, at least a million times," she whispered.
"And we’re going to have to make it a quick trip ‘round the stores. My knees aren’t what they once were."
"I know, I know, you’re old! I’ll bet you’re right dangerous in the shoe department, though."
Remus chuckled. "That I am, babydoll. That I am."
She nudged his side. "I feel so ridiculous for having had such a crush on you this past year. I mean, now that I know you’re a total shirtlifter, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. I should’ve known you could fit a sack of Galleons up your arse."
"Just one," Remus protested, his eyes widening. "And don’t you dare say all hands were lost."
Tonks’ brow furrowed as a resounding cheer of, "ARRRRRR!" came from the seat of Remus’ pants.
Her expression cleared. "Oh, that kind of galleon!" she giggled.
"Quiet back there," Remus hissed over his shoulder. "The funeral’s about to start."
~FIN~
Title: Molly Weasley's Patented Gay-Conversion Love Potion
Word Count: <600
Rating: PG-13/R
Summary: ZOMG molly weaselys feeding remus teh love potion cuz she dosent want him 2b gay!
Tonks had no idea why Molly Weasley kept inviting her over for tea.
All Molly had ever done, really, was express utmost irritation with her: Tonks! she’d cry, whenever Tonks ended up engaging in combat with the troll’s-leg umbrella stand. Tonks! she yelled, whenever she’d drop a dish, or fall down the stairs.
And, especially, Tonks!, in a particularly horrified tone, when she let slip at dinner, in the basement kitchen at Grimmauld place one night in the spring, that she preferred girls.
If Molly’s so hell-bent that I shouldn’t be a rug-muncher, she should be reluctant to have me over for bloody tea, right?
Well, here she was, in the garden at the Burrow nonetheless…
By the time Harry and Dumbledore showed up, she’d had three cups of tea, which, oddly, had smelled of patchouli and flannel and something vaguely reminscent of the last Weird Sisters/Indigo Girls joint concert.
Damned good tea, it was.
"Dear, why not come to dinner at the weekend, Remus and Mad-Eye are coming -"
"No, no, I need to get going…’Night."
She had the sudden urge to find Remus and Mad-Eye - both - either - and show them just what it meant to be with a woman.
She Disapparated, and found herself outside of the Village Wizards’ tavern, on the outskirts of Hogsmeade. Several men outside invited her in to dance, and an ex-girlfriend looked her over and offered her a drink ("Brown, that’s new. Does the carpet match the draperies?"), but none of them was Remus or Mad-Eye, and besides, something seemed off.
They were…boys, and all.
Ah, well, Tonks thought, heading down the street to buy, of all things, lip gloss and mascara.
** ** ** ** **
Molly had to wait till Remus came by the Burrow for Christmas to implement Phase Two of her cunning plan.
Mad-Eye hadn’t consented to eating or drinking a damned thing she’d prepared, so she had shrugged him off as a lost cause, may Merlin damn his filthy soul to Hades.
Now Remus, on the other hand, was starving for a good meal.
She dished out a heaping spoonful of turnips onto his plate, and surreptitiously added the potion, as he closely watched Bill’s arse as her eldest son sat down.
Hmph, Molly thought. Fleur might be a conceited cow, but at least she’s female.
Unfortunately, Remus seemed to be more interested in Bill’s posterior, and flinging the turnips at Percy once her thirdborn had made his ill-fated appearance, but still, there was one spoonful left.
"Remus, dear," Molly said, fluttering her eyelashes, "Please take one bite of turnips, would you? You’re looking so peaky…"
Remus obligingly lifted a spoonful of turnip to his mouth. Molly watched closely as he chewed, swallowed…And his eyes widened.
"Now, Remus," she purred, "What was that about Tonks not being able to join us?"
Remus shook his head, as if to clear it. "Pardon me, Molly?"
"Tonks. You said she couldn’t come."
"We’ll see about that!" Remus shouted, and rushed to the fireplace, grabbing Floo powder from the "I <3 Sirius 4-Ever"-emblazoned drawstring pouch hanging at his waist.
** ** ** ** **
That damned assignment…It had taken AGES to throw the two of them together, but finally, it had happened.
In spite of her deep sorrow that Dumbledore had passed away, and in such an unseemly manner, no less, Molly Weasley regarded the intertwined hands of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks, and permitted herself a small smile of deepest satisfaction.
It had worked.
Now, as for Charlie…