(no subject)
sometimes i wonder why i am so anxious and so in need of success. of excellence. so afraid of any kind of failure. it has to be a subconcious way of dealing with something. usually this kind of thing isnt healthy. shouldnt be kept up. but it has gotten me this far. the question really is how long before i cant keep myself leashed and i end up hurting myself. or worse, people i love.
my fish wont eat. utterly refuses. its been over a week and a half. i have an anorexic fish. that is so wrong and so bitterly ironic that i almost cant believe it. i almost just want the fish to die, to let go. give me a happy fish that loves me! pets are supposed to be destressors. my fish is just taunting me. it has the control. its showing me who's boss. and yet somehow there is a strange camraderie between us-both stubbornly holding on to self destructive habits. i like my old ways. i dont want to be perfect. i want to be perfectly flawed. just as long as i dont kill myself trying.
my fish wont eat. utterly refuses. its been over a week and a half. i have an anorexic fish. that is so wrong and so bitterly ironic that i almost cant believe it. i almost just want the fish to die, to let go. give me a happy fish that loves me! pets are supposed to be destressors. my fish is just taunting me. it has the control. its showing me who's boss. and yet somehow there is a strange camraderie between us-both stubbornly holding on to self destructive habits. i like my old ways. i dont want to be perfect. i want to be perfectly flawed. just as long as i dont kill myself trying.