meh...
I was in a funk today. A big one. Like, I haven't experienced that kind of funk in a while.
I think it's due to a couple of factors.
For one, I feel like my seratonin levels are plummeting, which is a tell-tale sign of my monthly friend swiftly approaching.
For another, I dunno. I just...really don't know how well it's working out here. Honestly, today I wished I was just a commuter. The only part of this experience that I'm really enjoying right now is class. I feel like the lack of relationship I have with my roomates isn't fixable. I know I'm missing a lot, but I also know that there's only a small chance of me actually being able to repair it. I just felt like crying for about six hours straight, and I never have the urge to just sit there and bawl my eyes out.
Having to adjust to one or two roomates is one thing. Having to adjust to five is a completely differnt thing. Especially for me. I hate this feeling of knowing that no one within a 20-foot radius is anything like me. I hate missing everyone so much. I thate the struggle between knowing that I need to be off the Cape for a while to experience new things and just wanting to be where I feel comfortable. I'm not adjusting as well as I thought I would. Especially in the home situation.
And I don't just want to talk to my RA about a room transfer when I lucked out into getting into the good building in the first place. And I don't want my roomates to be insulted. But I need to live somewhere where I don't feel so fucking restricted.
Right now I just fucking hate it here. I seriously just want to cry or scream my lungs out right now. Or just get really high. There's one reason I'm so disappointed that that endeavor didn't succeed over the weekend. I know if I had the option of smoking pot, I'd feel a lot better. Just an escape...
That's all I really need.
I said over the weekend, or rather earlier last week during the spontaneous visit from friends, that I don't know if I'm even going to make it the full four years of college. It'd be helpful to me finding a job and succeeding in life. But I still don't know...
Perhaps it'll get better after next weekend. Perhaps it won't. Perhaps this semester will improve, or perhaps I'll just fucking be absolutely miserable until May. Seriously, the only thing really keeping me going right now is the thought of next summer when I don't have to be here.
Ehhh....FUCK.
I think it's due to a couple of factors.
For one, I feel like my seratonin levels are plummeting, which is a tell-tale sign of my monthly friend swiftly approaching.
For another, I dunno. I just...really don't know how well it's working out here. Honestly, today I wished I was just a commuter. The only part of this experience that I'm really enjoying right now is class. I feel like the lack of relationship I have with my roomates isn't fixable. I know I'm missing a lot, but I also know that there's only a small chance of me actually being able to repair it. I just felt like crying for about six hours straight, and I never have the urge to just sit there and bawl my eyes out.
Having to adjust to one or two roomates is one thing. Having to adjust to five is a completely differnt thing. Especially for me. I hate this feeling of knowing that no one within a 20-foot radius is anything like me. I hate missing everyone so much. I thate the struggle between knowing that I need to be off the Cape for a while to experience new things and just wanting to be where I feel comfortable. I'm not adjusting as well as I thought I would. Especially in the home situation.
And I don't just want to talk to my RA about a room transfer when I lucked out into getting into the good building in the first place. And I don't want my roomates to be insulted. But I need to live somewhere where I don't feel so fucking restricted.
Right now I just fucking hate it here. I seriously just want to cry or scream my lungs out right now. Or just get really high. There's one reason I'm so disappointed that that endeavor didn't succeed over the weekend. I know if I had the option of smoking pot, I'd feel a lot better. Just an escape...
That's all I really need.
I said over the weekend, or rather earlier last week during the spontaneous visit from friends, that I don't know if I'm even going to make it the full four years of college. It'd be helpful to me finding a job and succeeding in life. But I still don't know...
Perhaps it'll get better after next weekend. Perhaps it won't. Perhaps this semester will improve, or perhaps I'll just fucking be absolutely miserable until May. Seriously, the only thing really keeping me going right now is the thought of next summer when I don't have to be here.
Ehhh....FUCK.