Asking for too much.
I wish I had a bit more childhood. Just a bit. Enough that having an hour looking up things about my creepy obsession and searching for upcoming concerts won't throw me off track. But now is okay. I just gotta stick it out for the rest of-- my life.
edit 10:39 P.M.:
Okay as soon as I posted this entry I regretted the last line. I was going to say year, but then I remembered my busy summer, and really it's not going to be that bad, or bad at all, I'll be doing this internship that I'm looking forward to, and a job/another class will be, well, not tortuous. Plus I'm going to EUROPE. Awesome :). I'll have the thoughts of what I'm missing back home (answer: not much), summer assignments, guard, and internship (as in what I'm missing there) looming over my head. I feel like this is going to be, perhaps, a full out fun, relaxation vacation. Or as much as one can be (disregarding unrealistic getting waited on hand and foot).
I'm afraid that I'm becoming a work-aholic (haha, 'ain't no chocohol' dang it I was trying to have an entry without that, though I already alluded to him earlier) and that I won't be able to relax while thinking, '...I should be doing something productive.' Now that I think about it, I probably won't be like that. I'll probably take the time to think, dream, listen to music, write, and photograph. If only I had a better camera. No matter. I'll figure something out in the end, as I sometimes do.
Anyway, the 'rest of my-- (melodramatic pause as I speculate about when I will be able to do such on-a-whim things, unrealistically realizing, 'never') life' was too much. Much too Jennifer-from-earlier-this-year/this-life. But it does remind me of how I want to live out of the country when I am older. America is much too overworked.
Added on, because I jumped from the previous to the next without a transition paragraph that didn't let the reader know what I was thinking:
Sherry says it's about managing your time. I think a lot of it is. But I still think that anything I want requires more. She also says it really doesn't, a lot of people just think that. I've learned that I have to try harder to succeed. I don't know why. Well, maybe I do, it's just harder to do something you just don't want to do. A lot of people don't want to do stuff, though, and they still can achieve things easier than I can. So I guess I don't know why. I am likely an over-achiever for my life. For anybody else's, I am average, or even a bit of an underachiever (i.e. at lunch: Aya to Michael: 'You got a B+ - in French 1? You're so dumb!' Also known as: at speed study session for Calculus Final which third character, Jennifer, did not study for, nor do the apparently assigned homework for, overhearing one friend, an IB Diploma candidate who beat third character out for the Women's University Award, comment on second friend who is taking six IB classes out of seven in his schedule's 'bad grade.' True, I would've been displeased to a small extent. Yet I wouldn't have felt excessively stupid except for not turning in those assignments he didn't turn in)
Plus, I don't think I got what it takes to work my hardest to get what I want (good job, education, etc.). That requires...well, 'care' is not the right word. 'Care' seems more about being meticulous. The care I mean is the 'I care about...(family, friends, goals, etc.).'
Or,
as in my case,
'I simply do not care.'
edit (11:06 P.M.):
I must get used to being able to fall asleep earlier and being able to do my homework earlier. I must get used to not having to do my homework late at night and early in the morning.
I must get used to this lifestyle.
Do I have to?
edit 10:39 P.M.:
Okay as soon as I posted this entry I regretted the last line. I was going to say year, but then I remembered my busy summer, and really it's not going to be that bad, or bad at all, I'll be doing this internship that I'm looking forward to, and a job/another class will be, well, not tortuous. Plus I'm going to EUROPE. Awesome :). I'll have the thoughts of what I'm missing back home (answer: not much), summer assignments, guard, and internship (as in what I'm missing there) looming over my head. I feel like this is going to be, perhaps, a full out fun, relaxation vacation. Or as much as one can be (disregarding unrealistic getting waited on hand and foot).
I'm afraid that I'm becoming a work-aholic (haha, 'ain't no chocohol' dang it I was trying to have an entry without that, though I already alluded to him earlier) and that I won't be able to relax while thinking, '...I should be doing something productive.' Now that I think about it, I probably won't be like that. I'll probably take the time to think, dream, listen to music, write, and photograph. If only I had a better camera. No matter. I'll figure something out in the end, as I sometimes do.
Anyway, the 'rest of my-- (melodramatic pause as I speculate about when I will be able to do such on-a-whim things, unrealistically realizing, 'never') life' was too much. Much too Jennifer-from-earlier-this-year/this-life. But it does remind me of how I want to live out of the country when I am older. America is much too overworked.
Added on, because I jumped from the previous to the next without a transition paragraph that didn't let the reader know what I was thinking:
Sherry says it's about managing your time. I think a lot of it is. But I still think that anything I want requires more. She also says it really doesn't, a lot of people just think that. I've learned that I have to try harder to succeed. I don't know why. Well, maybe I do, it's just harder to do something you just don't want to do. A lot of people don't want to do stuff, though, and they still can achieve things easier than I can. So I guess I don't know why. I am likely an over-achiever for my life. For anybody else's, I am average, or even a bit of an underachiever (i.e. at lunch: Aya to Michael: 'You got a B+ - in French 1? You're so dumb!' Also known as: at speed study session for Calculus Final which third character, Jennifer, did not study for, nor do the apparently assigned homework for, overhearing one friend, an IB Diploma candidate who beat third character out for the Women's University Award, comment on second friend who is taking six IB classes out of seven in his schedule's 'bad grade.' True, I would've been displeased to a small extent. Yet I wouldn't have felt excessively stupid except for not turning in those assignments he didn't turn in)
Plus, I don't think I got what it takes to work my hardest to get what I want (good job, education, etc.). That requires...well, 'care' is not the right word. 'Care' seems more about being meticulous. The care I mean is the 'I care about...(family, friends, goals, etc.).'
Or,
as in my case,
'I simply do not care.'
edit (11:06 P.M.):
I must get used to being able to fall asleep earlier and being able to do my homework earlier. I must get used to not having to do my homework late at night and early in the morning.
I must get used to this lifestyle.
Do I have to?