Hello...
So i guess i'll update while i have all these emotions inside of me...
There has been so much going on the past few days. My life has been turned every which way. The big event being the death of my grandma. I've always been close to her. Not as much the past few years, but still very close. The wake was tonight. Seeing her look as peaceful as she did brings both joy and sadness. I'm glad that she's not longer in pain. But so sad that she's gone. There are more emotions too...i just don't even know the words to describe how i'm feeling. Angry for one. Not sure why..but driving to the funeral home tonight i was so angry. Once i got there and talked with family and such i was fine. I don't even know why i was feeling the way i was. The funeral is tomorrow. I'm a pal bearer for it. Me and my other cousins are. Me, Earl, Steve, John, Justin, and Kevin. 4 of which i haven't seen in years. 1 moved out of ohio, and the other 2 got married. where the hell have i been? heh. I'm just..scared/nervous/sad that i'll be carrying my gramma come tomorrow afternoon. i havn't cried (yet) about the whole situation yet. I'm not sure if that's healty, or if it's just how i deal. I think one of my friends (Todd) has been the only one to see me cry. I have a "issue" with being weak. And to me, crying is a sign of weakness. Not with other people crying. I'm not saying that if you cry, you're weak. I'm just saying that if i let myself cry, I'm "giving in". I'm not perfect...so leave me alone about that.
Speaking of friends: a big thank you goes out to everyone that's helped me the past few days. It's been a big help just to know that you're there for me. I love ya all.
I've had a lot of time to think about my own family these past couple days too. I'm so lucky to have my mom, dad, and sisters. I havn't realized it until now. They're great. And although they have their flaws (and i have a good share of mine), we all get along very well for being family. My dads family is constantly bickering back and forth to eachother about SUCH petty things. It just makes me greatful for my sisters and I having a great deal of common sense to not get mad at eachother for stupid things.
Thursday and Friday are my last days at Club Isabella. Until Labor Day weekend when i'll being working "taste of cleveland". i think ambers gonna work it with me. good money+free food = i'm in. haha. Today at work, it was SO busy. I made myself sick cause i was running around so much. GLAAAD that's over. I had about 8 tables going at once. 4 people at each. yeah. crazyness. You might not think it's that much, but try it, and you'll have a new found respect for servers.
i'm ready to go back to school. i wish res-life would get their act together. it must be chaos in the building. i don't even want to get into everything that me and my friends have had to deal with the past 2 weeks. ugh...
the ever so common feeling of rejection also came into play in my life a few weeks ago. god it hurt. i played it off as "oh well...life goes on", but wow has it taken some time to deal. I've dealed, and dealt. I'm good now. But my life is missing something. The feeling of being wanted. that feeling you get when you meet a certain special someone. It was amazing. for me at least. everyday felt great and new. ya know, the whole "i've found a great person" feeling. YEAH...i was taken over by that. But then, it just ended. There are no hard feelings towards eachother. We still talk. But i miss the feeling of being wanted. I've had it a few times in my life. Great times too. heh. but i miss it. i miss the phone calls, i miss the movies, i miss the meals. i miss the feeling. that's what it all comes down too. i've gotten over the person, but not how they made me feel.
my "trial session" of being off medication is over. soooooo i'm gonna stay off it. I feel more like myself.
I'm gonna go...go to bed. Listen to music. and remember the simple times. and pray they come again. and i know they will. in about 3 weeks i'll be back at my own little word. i can't wait to go and forget about this summer. so much hurting.
p.s. i got my first phone number in a check the other day at work. SO HOT...called it...SO HOT...i hope i scream again. haha.
There has been so much going on the past few days. My life has been turned every which way. The big event being the death of my grandma. I've always been close to her. Not as much the past few years, but still very close. The wake was tonight. Seeing her look as peaceful as she did brings both joy and sadness. I'm glad that she's not longer in pain. But so sad that she's gone. There are more emotions too...i just don't even know the words to describe how i'm feeling. Angry for one. Not sure why..but driving to the funeral home tonight i was so angry. Once i got there and talked with family and such i was fine. I don't even know why i was feeling the way i was. The funeral is tomorrow. I'm a pal bearer for it. Me and my other cousins are. Me, Earl, Steve, John, Justin, and Kevin. 4 of which i haven't seen in years. 1 moved out of ohio, and the other 2 got married. where the hell have i been? heh. I'm just..scared/nervous/sad that i'll be carrying my gramma come tomorrow afternoon. i havn't cried (yet) about the whole situation yet. I'm not sure if that's healty, or if it's just how i deal. I think one of my friends (Todd) has been the only one to see me cry. I have a "issue" with being weak. And to me, crying is a sign of weakness. Not with other people crying. I'm not saying that if you cry, you're weak. I'm just saying that if i let myself cry, I'm "giving in". I'm not perfect...so leave me alone about that.
Speaking of friends: a big thank you goes out to everyone that's helped me the past few days. It's been a big help just to know that you're there for me. I love ya all.
I've had a lot of time to think about my own family these past couple days too. I'm so lucky to have my mom, dad, and sisters. I havn't realized it until now. They're great. And although they have their flaws (and i have a good share of mine), we all get along very well for being family. My dads family is constantly bickering back and forth to eachother about SUCH petty things. It just makes me greatful for my sisters and I having a great deal of common sense to not get mad at eachother for stupid things.
Thursday and Friday are my last days at Club Isabella. Until Labor Day weekend when i'll being working "taste of cleveland". i think ambers gonna work it with me. good money+free food = i'm in. haha. Today at work, it was SO busy. I made myself sick cause i was running around so much. GLAAAD that's over. I had about 8 tables going at once. 4 people at each. yeah. crazyness. You might not think it's that much, but try it, and you'll have a new found respect for servers.
i'm ready to go back to school. i wish res-life would get their act together. it must be chaos in the building. i don't even want to get into everything that me and my friends have had to deal with the past 2 weeks. ugh...
the ever so common feeling of rejection also came into play in my life a few weeks ago. god it hurt. i played it off as "oh well...life goes on", but wow has it taken some time to deal. I've dealed, and dealt. I'm good now. But my life is missing something. The feeling of being wanted. that feeling you get when you meet a certain special someone. It was amazing. for me at least. everyday felt great and new. ya know, the whole "i've found a great person" feeling. YEAH...i was taken over by that. But then, it just ended. There are no hard feelings towards eachother. We still talk. But i miss the feeling of being wanted. I've had it a few times in my life. Great times too. heh. but i miss it. i miss the phone calls, i miss the movies, i miss the meals. i miss the feeling. that's what it all comes down too. i've gotten over the person, but not how they made me feel.
my "trial session" of being off medication is over. soooooo i'm gonna stay off it. I feel more like myself.
I'm gonna go...go to bed. Listen to music. and remember the simple times. and pray they come again. and i know they will. in about 3 weeks i'll be back at my own little word. i can't wait to go and forget about this summer. so much hurting.
p.s. i got my first phone number in a check the other day at work. SO HOT...called it...SO HOT...i hope i scream again. haha.