(no subject)
When I listen to Paranoid Android I remember a time when nobody existed except for me, when I was always melancholy and everything felt empty. It's amazing how songs can take you back to such an exact memory or feeling. Like I can taste it, and remember what I was wearing and the wet grass under my feet, or the cold rain in my hair. I sat outside a lot and cried to myself a lot and didn't tell anyone. Once I was on the phone after a shower in only my towel, it was like 2am and the coldest I ever remember feeling. The tears were warm on my skin and the conversation was difficult. I got sick the next day, and felt even worse. I kept thinking that one conversation might change everything. That my fate waited for one moment. I kept thinking it'd occur to him that he loved me, but it occured far too late. It didn't even taste sweet, and it doesn't even matter because all I can remember is the bitter taste of the lies on your tongue.
And you pick the WORST GIRL EVER to put the love I opened you up for toward. I hate Elyse, I hate her because she abused what I wanted so badly! Now it never may happen again, it could never be great again. It's dead. Tryin again would only be painful.
Sometimes I think the sadness I feel over Will is really just a reminder of the pain I felt over Theo and that's why it hurts.
I don't know, when it gets lates I get really upset and think a lot. I think everyone does.
I think I may need to go talk to my counselor again soon.
I tried to cut the other day, but couldn't find anything gash-worthy to use, and I keep wanting cigarettes and pain killers.
It just SUCKS at night, Spenser goes to bed. And without Spenser I'm 100% alone and that scares me. What if something happened to him? I'd die. I'd absolutely die.
I love him, I just wish we could be together all the time so I didn't have to remember bad things. I don't feel guilty for feeling bad things, because I feel so peaceful when I'm with him.
Sigh. Goodnight.
And you pick the WORST GIRL EVER to put the love I opened you up for toward. I hate Elyse, I hate her because she abused what I wanted so badly! Now it never may happen again, it could never be great again. It's dead. Tryin again would only be painful.
Sometimes I think the sadness I feel over Will is really just a reminder of the pain I felt over Theo and that's why it hurts.
I don't know, when it gets lates I get really upset and think a lot. I think everyone does.
I think I may need to go talk to my counselor again soon.
I tried to cut the other day, but couldn't find anything gash-worthy to use, and I keep wanting cigarettes and pain killers.
It just SUCKS at night, Spenser goes to bed. And without Spenser I'm 100% alone and that scares me. What if something happened to him? I'd die. I'd absolutely die.
I love him, I just wish we could be together all the time so I didn't have to remember bad things. I don't feel guilty for feeling bad things, because I feel so peaceful when I'm with him.
Sigh. Goodnight.