Don't suppose you would care to expand on that (assuming you want to and have time, of course)? I know I felt that the last scene was an abrupt move on from the rest, but I didn't think it was that unconnected, so I'd love to know what didn't gel. It could again be me thinking that I've made links in the story that are actually only in my head. By 'canonically odd', do you mean S waiting with R for Pomfrey or something else?
Okay, IMHO, YMMV, etc.
To take the second one first, because it's easier: my first thought on reading the scene was: "um, when is this happening?" It must be after they became Animagi, but in that case Remus shouldn't be suffering from tearing himself apart -- stopping that was the point of them becoming Animagi in the first place. Or if it's after school, why is he in the Shack? Even if he still used it to transform, presumably at least one of them would normally be able to keep him company. And it did seem surprising that Sirius would risk Pomfrey seeing him there -- he's not supposed to be able to remain in the same room as a werewolf without getting attacked, and I thought she was probably supposed to get there to tend him pretty much as soon as the moon set. It's werewolfily dramatic, but I'm not sure where to fit it into the canon setup. (Minor point: 'witches' fingers' seemed an odd image for a Sirius POV -- I'm guessing it's intended to conjure up the 'witch as scary old crone' idea, but even though that might apply to his mother(!), as a wizard not a Muggle it presumably isn't his default view of witches.)
To take the first one second, because it's much more nebulous: to me it felt that the really original aspect of the piece, and the basic theme that runs through it, is that of an Animagus finding that the characteristics of their animal form seep into their human personality, or maybe just emphasise the parts of it that gave rise to that particular animal form (with a nice side nod to the possibly deleterious effect that has on Peter). Interleaved with that, there are the lines relating to the Sirius-Remus relationship -- maybe it was me, but they seem mostly orthogonal to the Animagus idea, and (again for me) the linkage between them didn't quite seem to gell as parts of the same whole. The first 'becoming' seems to be stated confidently, the second rather whispered. (That may of course just be because I find it awkward to semi-assume S/R without quite specific setup.)
In detail: Sirius has his wanting-to-fetch moment with James's note -- but this apparently leads to him going to see Moony, and presumably the realisation in the first line that he loves Moony more than himself? Not sure where that reaction came from? Initially I thought that first line was referring to his feelings of love and loyalty to James.
The idea that the RoR smells of Moony to Padfoot does link the two together, but also raises questions that aren't directly answered -- e.g. is the other Gryffindor Moony himself? Does he ask for a room that reminds him of Sirius, presumably in human form? If not, what's going on? If so, perhaps a little too subtle for over-literal people like me. :)
It then segues into the final scene in which the main theme of the preceding ones -- becoming like your Animagus form -- isn't really there, except as a little aside (and as I said above, I'm not sure why Padfoot wouldn't have to be there). That links well to the first line and the Moony-reflections, but if they're to be the takeaway at the end (and as the last section, that would be the natural feeling for a reader?) then the Animagus bits would feel like a side issue to me.
It also felt a bit 'something's missing' that Moony was the only one of the Marauders that Sirius doesn't observe directly doing something (as opposed to lying passively hurt). He's almost an offstage character.
Anyway, that's enough, or I'll have waffled on longer than the fic itself. :)
Okay, IMHO, YMMV, etc.
To take the second one first, because it's easier: my first thought on reading the scene was: "um, when is this happening?" It must be after they became Animagi, but in that case Remus shouldn't be suffering from tearing himself apart -- stopping that was the point of them becoming Animagi in the first place. Or if it's after school, why is he in the Shack? Even if he still used it to transform, presumably at least one of them would normally be able to keep him company. And it did seem surprising that Sirius would risk Pomfrey seeing him there -- he's not supposed to be able to remain in the same room as a werewolf without getting attacked, and I thought she was probably supposed to get there to tend him pretty much as soon as the moon set. It's werewolfily dramatic, but I'm not sure where to fit it into the canon setup. (Minor point: 'witches' fingers' seemed an odd image for a Sirius POV -- I'm guessing it's intended to conjure up the 'witch as scary old crone' idea, but even though that might apply to his mother(!), as a wizard not a Muggle it presumably isn't his default view of witches.)
To take the first one second, because it's much more nebulous: to me it felt that the really original aspect of the piece, and the basic theme that runs through it, is that of an Animagus finding that the characteristics of their animal form seep into their human personality, or maybe just emphasise the parts of it that gave rise to that particular animal form (with a nice side nod to the possibly deleterious effect that has on Peter). Interleaved with that, there are the lines relating to the Sirius-Remus relationship -- maybe it was me, but they seem mostly orthogonal to the Animagus idea, and (again for me) the linkage between them didn't quite seem to gell as parts of the same whole. The first 'becoming' seems to be stated confidently, the second rather whispered. (That may of course just be because I find it awkward to semi-assume S/R without quite specific setup.)
In detail: Sirius has his wanting-to-fetch moment with James's note -- but this apparently leads to him going to see Moony, and presumably the realisation in the first line that he loves Moony more than himself? Not sure where that reaction came from? Initially I thought that first line was referring to his feelings of love and loyalty to James.
The idea that the RoR smells of Moony to Padfoot does link the two together, but also raises questions that aren't directly answered -- e.g. is the other Gryffindor Moony himself? Does he ask for a room that reminds him of Sirius, presumably in human form? If not, what's going on? If so, perhaps a little too subtle for over-literal people like me. :)
It then segues into the final scene in which the main theme of the preceding ones -- becoming like your Animagus form -- isn't really there, except as a little aside (and as I said above, I'm not sure why Padfoot wouldn't have to be there). That links well to the first line and the Moony-reflections, but if they're to be the takeaway at the end (and as the last section, that would be the natural feeling for a reader?) then the Animagus bits would feel like a side issue to me.
It also felt a bit 'something's missing' that Moony was the only one of the Marauders that Sirius doesn't observe directly doing something (as opposed to lying passively hurt). He's almost an offstage character.
Anyway, that's enough, or I'll have waffled on longer than the fic itself. :)
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