(no subject)
Best friend:
Are you trying to make me cry? You know how much I hate that. In the middle of the librarby nonetheless. Watdafuxup with that. Just kidding. I wish I knew too. I have always had that "one who [I thought] sees and knows all things," even if he didn't really. Now he's gone. And that's the problem. That's why I need him. Ironic huh? I just want to talk to him. I just want to talk to him. I miss him so much. I would give anything to talk to him again.
Why did I leave my car keys in the living room? I never do.
Why didn't I go out into the living room when I heard him playing his bass? I always do.
Why didn't I get up and talk to him when he opened my door and apologized? I wanted to.
If I had, would things be different? I can't help but think so. I miss him so much. How is it that I can never see him again, never talk to him again? My dad, of all people, my dad. I don't understand. And I don't understand not understanding. I have always been able to understand. I feel like there are no answers, and I kind of feel like I went with him, or tried, and now I'm floating in a space that's not really like being alive, but not really like being dead either. Life had meaning for me before, even if it was superficial to be swept away so easily. Now I am wandering aimlessly, waiting for the next thing to happen, wasting time. I feel like I'm gonna blink my eyes, and be 80 on my deathbed, and still trying to figure out what the next step is. And I have no idea what to do. My dad once told me that the answer always lies in the problem, you just have to be able to see it, understand it, and figure it out, but I don't even see it, let alone understand it. I just don't know. I am defeated.
Are you trying to make me cry? You know how much I hate that. In the middle of the librarby nonetheless. Watdafuxup with that. Just kidding. I wish I knew too. I have always had that "one who [I thought] sees and knows all things," even if he didn't really. Now he's gone. And that's the problem. That's why I need him. Ironic huh? I just want to talk to him. I just want to talk to him. I miss him so much. I would give anything to talk to him again.
Why did I leave my car keys in the living room? I never do.
Why didn't I go out into the living room when I heard him playing his bass? I always do.
Why didn't I get up and talk to him when he opened my door and apologized? I wanted to.
If I had, would things be different? I can't help but think so. I miss him so much. How is it that I can never see him again, never talk to him again? My dad, of all people, my dad. I don't understand. And I don't understand not understanding. I have always been able to understand. I feel like there are no answers, and I kind of feel like I went with him, or tried, and now I'm floating in a space that's not really like being alive, but not really like being dead either. Life had meaning for me before, even if it was superficial to be swept away so easily. Now I am wandering aimlessly, waiting for the next thing to happen, wasting time. I feel like I'm gonna blink my eyes, and be 80 on my deathbed, and still trying to figure out what the next step is. And I have no idea what to do. My dad once told me that the answer always lies in the problem, you just have to be able to see it, understand it, and figure it out, but I don't even see it, let alone understand it. I just don't know. I am defeated.